The Hills Have Eyes

1977 horror

Rating: 6/20

Plot: A family of idiots take their dogs and blue jean shorts on vacation to the desert. They befriend cavemen and have a squelching contest. The little guy wins, and a rudimentary medal is fashioned out of tin foil and stickers in the shape of stars. Everybody gets confused when they wake up on the seventh day and find a fax machine inside of shopping cart inside of a giant leather box inside of a shack. The family and cavemen decide to go to family counseling to work on some of their problems.

At least I laughed twice. This is a poor excuse for a cult classic. I expected creepiness (or something!), but the only thing scary was how bad the acting was. Well, that and the whiny guy's short shorts. I thought the performance of one of the dogs (Beast) was really good. In fact, this should have been more like a Lassie rip-off and centered on the dog. Woof! Woof! "What's that, Beast? Pa's being crucified by some dirty inbreds? Lead the way, boy!" Credit has to be given to this for a couple scenes which very obviously inspired the Home Alone movies. Not the first one though. Not even the second one. We're talking the third movie. I think it was called Home Alone III. The guy on the poster, by the way, has nipples that are at least three times the size of my nipples. He puts my nipples to shame! He's not the same guy who was in Goonies. I looked it up. He was in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest before he played Caveman 2 in this movie. He also played the devil in Highway to Heaven (Satan has big nipples. That's Biblical.)and was in an episode of Alf. Alf should have been in this movie as a matter of fact. Actually, the whole film would have benefited by having puppets. I know there was already a remake of this recently, but I'd like to see a remake with an all-puppet cast. Maybe the Muppets? Beaker and that bald scientist, Gonzo, that weird eagle guy, Animal (of course!), and Dr. Teeth can be the cannibal cavemen. The other Muppets can be the vacationing family. Kermit can sing a reflective song called "It's Not Easy Having Your Dog Eaten" and there can be a brutal scene where Miss Piggy is raped by Animal while Dr. Teeth bites the head off the family bird.

Replace these two with those two and you've got a movie!

Here I am wondering what a baby would taste like: