2007 animated crapRating: 8/20 (Dylan: 4/20)
Plot: The party noise from Heorot disturbs the neighbors, most notably a giant grunting demon named Grendal. Grendal comes over and very politely asks them to turn down their grunting and harps. Then he tears a lot of them in half. The king Hrothgar and his subjects become melancholic and close down the world's finest mead hall. Beowulf pops in out of nowhere, introduces himself over fifty times, and promises to kill Grendal a little over forty times. Clothes are removed, harps are again withdrawn, arms are torn off, and demons howl and hop around in a strobe-light. Beowulf's next challenge is to go after Grendal's nippleless mother. Will he survive and rule as King Beowulf and get to make whoopie with numerous young women? Will his vanity be his downfall? Will the audience suffer from vertigo and stop caring?
This got both the midget bonus and the Crispin "Hellion" Glover bonus (although I couldn't understand a word he said) and, more importantly, reminded me that I need to get my hands on the movie Crispin Glover directed which more than likely has midgets in it. Other than that, this telling of the epic poem is pretty worthless. It's not as creepy as The Polar Express but it's not any better either. It's inflated nonsense, bloated with over-the-top visuals (mostly people flailing around or pretty lights or "camera" swoops and sweeps) and a terrible over-the-top script. Dylan and I both laughed multiple times--when Beowulf introduced himself with a heroic "I am Beowulf" for the nineteenth time (probably so we won't confuse him with Dar in The Beastmaster); when he faught Grendal naked while having his genitals covered up in ways that would make Austin Powers groan; when Beowulf announced, "I will kill your monster!" I don't like this kind of animation (motion capture?) at all. The people don't move like people, and it's distracting even when the backgrounds are aesthetically and artistically pleasing. The characters nearly look real though; unfortunately, they just look like really really terrible actors. Speaking of which, John Malcovich phoned in a role (maybe literally?) and Angelina Jolie's lustiness was absolutely embarrassing. Robert Zemeckis needs to cut it out. The Polar Express and this piece of crap were enough. Next: an animated version of A Christmas Carol. Why the heck does anybody need that? Unless it stars that kid from Webster, this is nothing I want to see.
Here's a crudely animated me:
Great summary and review. You're going to love this, but I like this movie. The one thing any action or hero movie needs is a great villian, and this movie has two. Glover's Grendal is horrifying and fascinating. He has found a role to match his freakiness. I also thought the dragon was well done and the battle at the end was very good. I even liked Jolie and her lack of anatomy in a creepy way. One can't expect Oscar-caliber anything from this kind of movie. It is over the top and the visuals range from great to weird. I only ask that I be entertained. I was. Your 8 is understandable, but I would give it a 14.
ReplyDeleteIck.
ReplyDeleteDo your girls like those Barbie computer-animated movies?
And what did you think of 'Polar Express'? I think it's one of the creepiest movies ever made, but it seems there are people out there who don't think it's creepy at all...I watched that movie on a plane and was sort of hoping for a plane crash.
The girls like every freakin' Barbie movie that comes down the pike. My favorite part is how each one has an unavoidable preview for the next one so I'm caught in a continual spending loop. Those people are more evil than Disney.
ReplyDeleteI can't stand 'The Polar Express'. Every once in a while Hanks does a movie that makes me want to punch his face in. The visuals are creepy. The plot is overdone. The most annoying thing is the feeling that the makers are sure that they are making a classic. Yuck. I bet Zemeckis is a very strange dude. PE gets a 7 from me. Worse than any Barbie movie.