The Wicker Man

2006 atrocity

Rating: 2/20

Plot: Nicolas Cage plays a cop who decides to go to a private island to investigate the disappearance of his ex-fiance's daughter. Once there, he gets sidetracked while joining in on the female islanders' fun games--Hide the Beaver, Smear the Queer, Hide and Seek with Masks, Monkeyman Monkeyman What Do You Smell?, Combustathon, Is You Damp Yet?, Break a Leg, Downhill Bicycle Death Race 2000, Catch the Raven, Grope the Raven, Raving Groper, Bee Gauntlet, Wet Suit and Tie Racing, Hey Aren't You Keanu Reeves?, Crack It!, Who's in the Bear Suit?, Which Box Has the Dead Girl in It?, and Cream Dreamer. During an impromptu free-for-all face-making contest, Nicolas Cage feels that he's being cheated, punches a few women, and injures his leg. In the end, he realizes (sadly, too late) that the promise of "all the honey [he] can eat" was just a bunch of talk. He punches another woman, karate chops at another, and yells "Bitches!" before (here's the shocking twist ending not seen in theaters--spoiler alert!) pouting to death.

If it wasn't for that religious high school football movie I had to watch at school earlier this year, this would be the worst movie I've seen in a very long time. I'm still not totally convinced that this wasn't a comedy. It's the most I've laughed while watching a movie in a while. Nicolas Cage is America's worst actor, and he delivers some poorly written lines ("Step away from the bicycle!", "God. . .damn it!", "How did it get burned?! How did it get burned?! How did it get burned?!?!", "Owwwwwww! My legs! Owwwwww!", "No, not the bees!") like the real pro-fessional bad actor that he is. When he's not doing that, he's just running aimlessly around the island looking befuddled. The original 1973 film is terrific, and a lot of its greatness is its layers and in the way it creates mystery, tension, and thrills. This remake substitutes the subtlety of the original for one-note attempts to shock the viewer into having the same responses. The only response from me was violent giggling though. The story's essentially the same (although at first I didn't think this was going to resemble the original at all), but nothing about it is as good; in fact, it pretty much seems to have been made just to piss all over the original. Ordinary music (that guy who did the Twin Peaks music. . . I did catch a musical reference to the original soundtrack though), wooden acting (no pun intended!), abysmal dialogue, no style whatsoever. Nearly blasphemous! This was inexplicably dedicated to Johnny Ramone, and it's a good thing he's dead. Otherwise, I'm sure he'd be offended to have his name anywhere near this piece of crap.

However, having said all that, this is something everybody should see. It's freakin' hilarious! Highly recommended!

Here I am enjoying The Wicker Man: