2005 science fiction movieRating: 15/20 (Dylan: 14/20)
Plot: Anakin's knocked up Queen Armadillo which, along with the blue dress he stained with his midichlorians, has created quite the scandal on the Planet Croissant. He's busy running around with his best friend (a roving trash can) and his homoerotic crush Obi-Wan Kenobi who, after seeing how well-hung he was in that Peter Greenaway movie, could think of nothing else but the Jedi master's junk. Meanwhile, Emperor Saltine is up to no good and midget Yoda and the other good guys have to stop him before he does whatever he's trying to do. The Clone Wars continue, but nobody really knows what side he's on. There seems to be a stalemate. Hands are removed. Anakin wants to be a Jedi master but can't because, according to regulations, he has to be able to grow a "Yoda-approved beard," so he pouts and then starts killing everybody. Armadillo asks him to hold her like he did on Naboo. Tears are shed. More hands are lost. Max Window, the Jackie Robinson of Jedi knights, pops in and says, "Palpatine, shut yo' mouth. I ain't having no mo-fo sith in my mo-fo galaxy." Unfortunately for him and the other good guys, Anakin is confused. Should he stay loyal to the Jedi or should he join the bad guys since his wardrobe seems to fit in more with them? Oh, the suspense!
The things that are really good about this movie outweigh the things that are really bad about this movie.
Funny review. I think it got a better grade because it stars Yoda the midget. It is still beyond my understanding as to how Lucas hired that punk Hayden Christiansen (I'm sure he's a perfectly nice guy), but at least he is less annoying in this movie. I give it a higher grade partly because it didn't suck like the first two in the modern trilogy and partly because of how perfectly and seamlessly it ties into the great "Star Wars" films. The fight scenes range from good to great, it is not afraid to go really dark, and there is much less "comic" relief. An 18.
ReplyDeleteHayden is no worse than Mark Hamill.
ReplyDeleteI do like the darkness. It's part of what makes 'Empire' so good. This one is darker, I think. 'Empire' does have the comic element, but it's well written stuff, not crap like C3PO having the wrong head and making terrible puns. The writing in this one is still bad. I will say this (and I know you'll get a kick out of it)...I don't think this movie is much better than Episodes I and II which I really enjoyed. Not great movies, but I did really enjoy them. Probably as much as 'Return of the Jedi' at least...
So what is your favorite scene? Now I must know.
ReplyDeleteThe scene question was meant for "The Shining". Ignore the above.
ReplyDeleteSaying that you like numbers I, II and Jedi nearly makes my head explode. The C3PO puns you mention, Jar-Jar, and Ewoks almost nulify all of the good will from the other three. I really don't understand you.
I was the right age when 'Return of the Jedi' came out.
ReplyDeleteOne of the best lightsaber fights in the entire series (and easily better than anything in the original trilogy), some pretty cool characters (not Jar-Jar), and some excitement in the pod race scene make Jar-Jar a little easier to swallow. Also, Emma really liked Jar-Jar, so that makes him less offensive to me.
And Episode II has some great scenes! The stuff on the rain planet with Boba's dad, the arena scene at the end with all those light sabers, Yoda kicking butt,Obi-Wan walking around like a private eye. That dialogue about how Anakin likes sand? C'mon, that's all good stuff!
'Return of the Jedi' started great. I loved all the Jabba's palace stuff at the beginning of the movie. And the prequels definitely made the final acts of Anakin make a little more sense.
Have you really paid attention to the dialogue in the original films? Not good.
OK, here we go.
ReplyDeleteEpisode I: Convoluted and boring plot. Horrid child actor with a severe case of the cutes. Jar-Jar Binks whom mesa thinks is the greatest comic relief since Stepin Fetchit. The pod race is passably entertaining. Mostly incredibly dull and disappointing stuff EXCEPT any time Darth Maul is on the screen. I totally agree that the final battle is the greatest in all of the series. When he first ignites the double light saber and the operatic music begins it gives me man-chills. Sadly, the greatness of this series of scenes simply highlights how inferior the final film is compared to what might have been. A 14.
Episode II: Better, but still a miss. Again, a plot only Lucas gets or cares about. Pouty Christiansen better than insipid kid, but what the f...? Is he the best Lucas could find? Rain scene good. Confused but decent arena scene ruined by the worst series of "funny"?, corny one-liners I've ever been exposed to. Horrible! The final battle is OK except for the strange way Yoda hops around and my confusion as to what Yoda is doing while Dooku spends 10 seconds with arms extended, pulling down a giant pillar. Couldn't he have tickled him or something? A 15.
And finally, my favorite, "Return of the Jedi". Best title, worst movie. If by "I was the right age", you mean that you were too immature to know how awful this movie is, then I agree. SW and TESB are all-time great movies. Will Luke be the greatest Jedi of them all and overthrow the emporor? No, he is a screw up who falls into a pit after being laughed at. He lucks out by not being Bantha food. The corny pit scene has many obviously fake CGI moments. Bad dialogue follows. Ewoks for God's sake! And then, best of all, the Emporor contemptuously fries Luke's a.. with ease until Luke's daddy saves him. What was the point of all of Yoda's Jedi training? Obviously the dark side is the way to go (Republicans know this). A two-and-a-half movie build up only to find out that Luke is a whiny weenie. I hated this movie! Lucas sold us all out for an Ewok merchandise bonanza. I will give you that Leia in a gold lamay bikini is undeniably great, but the rest of this film is cynically and poorly made crap and the most disappointing sequel ever. A 7.
Ok, we're not that far off here...I would have figured that you'd rate Episodes I and II much lower than that. For the most part, you're right with your gripes about the movies.
ReplyDeleteI always forget about that Luke fighting the big greasy monster in the pit scene. Horrible green-screen effects there! I'm surprised Lucas didn't redo that somehow when he started dicking around with other parts of the original trilogy.
I'm not sure I'd describe the Episode I plot as convoluted or boring. I actually like all the parallels to 'A New Hope'...I don't care for the characters of Dooku or Mr. Grievous, but I do like when the other characters say Dooku's name.
I probably like 'Return of the Jedi' less than I and II as well, but you're being REALLY harsh! And you forgot to mention Boba Fett's stupid death. Hmm...maybe you weren't being overly harsh. But you shouldn't have needed 'Return of the Jedi' to show you that Luke was a whiny weenie. "But I was going to Toshi Staion (??) to pick up some power converters" should have done it, and that was in the first movie.
Yoda's training? I've never really thought much about it. Maybe Luke was going to do some real bad-ass things in episodes 7-9?
I meant Emperor of course, twice. Crap. By the way, I love that you quoted the worst delivered line in the history of movies (Toshi Station).
ReplyDeleteThis movie is at best, mediocre The acting is so dreadfully bad, (Except Mcgregor, who somehow manages to keep trying all the way through.) and of course the writing is something out of high school musical.
ReplyDeleteAnd Hayden is worse than Mark Hammil, because he is being asked to play a more complex character. Hamil actually got bearable in Empire and Return of the Jedi...not good, but at least whole scenes could go by where you didnt want to kill him. Hayden is gives two of the worst performances of all time. I really enjoy his rendition of "anger" which to me resembles a squirrel pissed about you messing with his nuts.
If this movie had no connection to Star Wars, and it was a stand alone film, or even part of a series that began with Episode One, it would be getting single digit reviews from you. Its that connection to Star Wars, plus the fairly interesting final sword fight. (Although I still dont get what the hell the higher ground has to do with anything.) that lets anyone enjoy it on any level.
The darkness in this movie is forced and makes no sense. Anakins decent into the dark side is so jerky and badly presented that it was almost laughable. Oh hes a BAD guy now. Well that was easy.
It all became worth it when the now DARTH VADER jerkily gets up from the table. That is one classic, bad movie scene that had me busting up with laughter more than a dozen Adam Sandler movies.
Thinking about it I give it an eight. Just STRICTLY on kick ass sword fights alone. (Episode one and two rate reviews half that...or worse.)
You're ten points lower than Cory here...you two are usually a little closer than that.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to pretend that I wouldn't rate this lower if it had no connection to Star Wars. I also don't think there's anything wrong with that. It's part of something bigger and I don't think it's right to ignore the context.
Hammill...Hayden...they're both bad. And you're right about McGregor who gives a performance that just melts into the original Star Wars movie. He is a young Alec!
Higher ground...it's like that game King of the Hill or why castles/fortresses are built on hills. It's easier to defend. Elementary science should have taught you that if you try to attack somebody who is higher than you with a laser sword, you will likely get 75% of your limbs chopped off and then burn up in lava. Science, man!
Anakin's transformation into Darth Vader doesn't just happen in this movie...that's what the three movies about. And I thought the reasons were valid.
"Noooooooooooooooooo!" Everything leading up to Darth Vader's cliched exclamation is great though. The mask going on him, the breathing starting up...that's a terrific scene, man! But yeah, stretching his arms out and saying, "Noooooooooooo!" was really dumb. I believe I did laugh out loud in the theater.
If you're going to accuse me of being 6 points off just because this is a Star Wars movie and I'm some kind of Star Wars fanboy (not your words, I know), I'm going to accuse you of having expectations that were entirely too high for the prequel movies and rating them far too low because they didn't meet these lofty expectations. I'm not sure what you're feelings on the original trilogy are, but watch them with a critical eye...goofy dialogue, bad acting, improbability. It's all there. The biggest difference between the original trilogy and the new ones is that the sword fights are much, much better in the new ones.