The Incredible Hulk

2008 blockbuster

Rating: 9/20 (Mark: 7/20)

Plot: Bruce Banner has a problem where he turns green, gets really big, and turns monosyllabic whenever he gets really angry. The science is too complicated for me to explain to you cretins. Of course, I understand everything perfectly because I'm practically a scientist. I understand the nuclear reaction stuff involved, and I understand how when large and green, Hulk is capable of defying the laws of physics. And how Bruce Banner's bones, muscles, skin, nipples, and hair all manage to grow enormously while his pants always stay on? Yep. Perfect sense. Anyway, Bruce, his girlfriend, and Mr. Blue are working hard to find an antidote; unfortunately, the military keeps interfering and making our hero get all smashy. Oh, green snap!

Firstly, the environmental subtext here is sickening. The "Go green" message is so in-your-face that it makes me want to go out behind the house and burn a stack of tires or kill one thousand pigs and dump their carcasses in a river. Not a river that's close by either. No, I'd drive miles in a Hummer and take numerous detours to see the world's largest prairie dog, the factory where Jello is made, and Geronimo's bones. Take that, Mother Earth! Up yours!

Second comic book movie in a row at my brother's place. We started to watch a compilation of avant-garde shorts, but I became terrified at the prospect of seeing a penis and made the switch. This Hulk movie isn't a lot better than the Ang Lee version if it is at all. It's got embarrassing cameos and the clumsiest set-up for a sequel that I've ever seen. The special effects are at times tolerable, but a lot of the CGI stuff just looks ridiculous. The worst problem is with Hulk's antagonist, played by the always-wacky Tim Roth. Now, I like Tim Roth in a lot of things, but everything he does in this is awkward, sometimes awkwardly funny. He can't even walk right in this. And without an engaging bad guy, a movie like this just isn't going to work. The only reason the bad guy exists is to set up the bombast at the end. The conflict doesn't resonate, and there's almost no real tension created. As with all comic book movies, I had trouble figuring out what the heck was going on a great deal of the time, and more than once, I wished that I had left it on the penises. And come on, makers of The Incredible Hulk. Hulk smash? Really?