Troll 2

1990 atrocity

Rating: 2/20 (Dylan: 1/20 [Almost immediately, he finds a movie worse than Yellow Submarine.]

Plot: The Waits family agrees to exhange houses with another as some sort of vacation. So, they pack up and head out to Nilbog, a tiny farming community. Meanwhile, the youngest member of the family, Joshua, is being warned by his deceased Grandpa Seth that going to Nilbog is a terrible idea. The rest of the family doesn't listen. Then the inhabitants of Nilbog, none of them trolls, try to turn them into vegetables and eat them. Can Joshua convince his family that they are in trouble before it's too late? Can Grandpa Seth and a double-decker bologna sandwich save the day in time?

There's so much to love about this, the recent subject of a documentary called Best Worst Movie, I believe the project of the kid who played Joshua. For the most part, this looks like a legitimate effort to make a horror film although there are scenes (the erotic corncob scene, most notably) that make it seem like it was a comedy all along. Regardless, I haven't laughed this much at a movie in a long time. I can't believe this movie was written. Seems like the screenwriter would have stopped at one point and said, "Ya know. This just isn't working. Let me get started on something else." Then, I can't believe this movie was funded by a studio. And that nobody at the studio at any time, pre- or post-production, didn't say, "Now why are we calling this Troll 2 again? There aren't any trolls in the movie, are there?" Then they found people willing to ruin their careers by directing Troll 2 and ruin their reputations by appearing in the film. Money was paid to somebody to score the film. The managers at the movie theaters didn't say, "Now wait just a second. . .you realize it takes a lot of effort to put those letters up there on the sign, right?" Posters had to be made. Maybe. I had trouble finding one. Yes, lots of magic had to happen for Troll 2 to come to life. Luckily it did, for Troll 2 is a timeless piece of art. You've got what has to be some of the worst child acting of all time. You've got more quotable moments than you can remember. Dylan and I have been saying, "A double decker bologna sandwich!" since we saw this. But the mother's request to "Sing that song I like so much" followed by the family singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" was hilarious. The rapport between the entourage of the Waits' daughter's boyfriend's friends made it seem like the script had been written by a person who had never seen a teenager before. There's a great anti-meat sermon delivered by a character who winds up on fire later in the movie. My favorite line might have been from the dad, a guy whose performance probably would have been the worst child acting performance ever if he were a child: "I had an imaginary friend when I was young. But it wasn't your dead grandpa!" There's impromptu dancing, a goblin party complete with a song creepy enough to make the music from The Wicker Man seem like "Row, Row, Row Your Boat," chainsaw tickling, friend-flavored milkshakes, that aforementioned seductive corn cob scene, and a tacked-on twist ending that makes no sense at all. There are some goblins (midgets or children in rubber masks) that I laughed at every single time they appeared on the screen which was a lot because I think they only had about five goblin masks for the whole production. And wait until you see how Joshua stops his family from eating goblin food they find at their vacation home! I could go on and on, but that would take away time that I could be spending watching Troll 2 again. I'm really afraid that anything I try to watch after seeing Troll 2 will just seem boring.

You can watch this on hulu.com for free. And you should!