Urine Couch AM Movie Club: Man on Fire

1987 movie

Rating: 12/20

Plot: A former CIA guy is hired as a bodyguard for a little girl for reasons that I must have missed. Anyway, he does a terrible job at it, and some thugs kidnap her while he gets an ouchie on his leg. When he recovers, he takes off to find her.

This original Man on Fire (I didn't see the original during my 134 movie "man" streak last summer either) is stuffy and spins its wheels. It spends a lot of time building up the relationship between the principals, and once it finally does, it throws a few action scenes at you before ending in a way that isn't all that satisfying. Despite the lengthy exposition, I never really bought their relationship, and it actually got a little creepy as it progressed. The creepiest moment is when the bodyguard guy quotes Of Mice and Men and then imitates the little girl's voice. It's really weird. And then you were jerked into a vague sort of action thriller. You do get to learn what happens when a white guy (Joe Pesci) sings Chuck Berry. Attempts to connect all this schmaltziness by connecting it to Steinbeck's Lenny and George seems halfassed. I'm not sure how I felt about the sort-of pretentious shots of a hanging lamp and swinging curtains that bookend this story. I was admittedly distracted during this Urine Couch AM Movie Club selection because Gene Siskel's ghost wouldn't stop asking, "Where's the black guy? Hey, Shane? Where's the black guy?"