The Devil's Sword

1984 Indonesian kung-fu craziness

Rating: 7/20

Plot: There's the titular sword, a crocodile nymphomaniacal goddess who enslaves the men of nearby villages, a guy who wears bedazzled diapers and a shiny headband who sometimes floats around on a rock, and a bunch of crocodile men. Mayhem!

I might have to check out more Indonesian kung-fu movies or at the very least some Barry Prima. I'm sure the guy's like the Indonesian Bruce Lee. Only better because he hasn't died yet. Hell, he probably never will. The story for this thing, by "MAN" according to the credits, isn't all that important. It's Indonesian poetry, with action hero Barry Prima who almost knows movie martial arts fighting guys dressed up as crocodiles. This has some of the most inept fight choreography you're ever likely to see, guys moving slowly like they're waiting for their next scripted lunge. If head-loppin'-off's your thing, this has several decapitation scenes. You also get guys sailing off at ridiculous heights after being sliced, sliced with a sword that isn't even the demon sword. And those silly crocodile men who sometimes, but not always, hop into action. Seriously, check this out:

There's one scene (if you're in to this sort of thing) where Barry Prima has sexual relations with a crocodile. Not a crocodile man, you pervert, but an actual crocodile. See:

You'll just have to take my word for it that it's even hotter when they're moving. Actually, that might be a crocodile man after all. I couldn't focus because I was freaking out! I think it was the synth-laden score, or maybe the funny feeling that the crocodile queen gave me during those hypnosis scenes. She was a hot little number, living in her underwater den where special effects look a whole lot like cheap magic tricks. The scene where she's on a spinning bed surrounded by a ring of fire is exactly how I imagined sex to be when I was nine. And there's a huge orgy scene near the end of this (it actually interrupts the big climactic action scene and brings everything to a grinding halt) that I'm sure was an inspiration for that goofy rave sex scene in that third Matrix movie. This has some other cool characters, too. A skeletal boat man was pretty rad. I was really digging the kung-fu stylings of this guy with a skinny neck (I think his name was Skinny Neck Guy) who waits around for a while before flipping into action and showing off this uniquely awkward style. But his demise is unfortunately very quick. The crew of evil warriors are cool, too, with their interesting weapons and their ability to burrow underground or fly around, but the preface to their big battle scene was so lengthy. At least they threw out some good Indonesian kung-fu trash talk: "You polluted bitch hound!" and "Dirty daughter of a whore!" were my favorites. The witch hag, an evil warrior whose weapon appeared to be a bundle of weeds, was neat. I don't want to give too much away, but you don't ever want to count her out, even when she's cut in half. Oh, I just gave too much away. I guess it won't hurt to show you this then, a hideous monster in a cave filled with all kinds of half-assed booby traps:


This is recommended for anybody who's ever wanted to see Barry Prima have sex with a crocodile. I realize that's a very specific fetish, but I'm sure you people are out there.