The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland

1999 movie

Rating: 12/20

Plot: One day, the folks on Sesame Street decided that they needed more cash, probably to support the drug habits of half of the population and to continue to pay off folks to keep the secret about Bert and Ernie's relationship a secret. One of them said, "You know what? Elmo's enormously popular even though he's about the most boring character we have. Let's do a movie about him!" Somebody else asked, "What the hell are we going to have Elmo do? He just sits in his room talking to himself and acting like he's mentally challenged!" The first somebody answered, "It doesn't matter. We can just have him walking around for eighty minutes." Somebody else said, "No, we have to have him do something!" Then, somebody else said, "I got it! Why don't we just use the same basic plot of Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Kids can't watch that anymore anyway since Pee Wee jerked off in that theater." Somebody argued, "But Elmo doesn't even have a bike. Plus, people laugh when we have these Muppets walk around. Elmo on a bike would look really ridiculous." Somebody else said, "We can have him looking for his blanket then." Then somebody suggested that that they pad the length by making it a musical but was reminded that the only guy on Sesame Street, the genius who penned "Rubber Ducky" and "People in My Neighborhood" and all of the Roosevelt Franklin songs in a single opium-inspired thirty-five minutes, who knew how to write songs was in rehab. They decided to just write a few songs themselves, and though uninspiring and not memorable at all, they decided that Mandy Patinkin, who owed them a favor for helping him cover up a scandal that also involved Bert and Ernie, could give them a little life. They wrote and revised everything in a fortnight, tried to find the Roosevelt Franklin puppet but couldn't, wrote Roosevelt Franklin out of the script, shot it in a few weeks, and released it. It inspired an alarming number of blanket thefts and was banned in a few Eastern European countries. The end.

Masturbating to this turned out to be nearly pointless.

Get your motherfucking hand out of my motherfucking ass!