Best Classic Movie Moment: “Get him a
body bag! Yeeeeeeaaaaah!”
Best Silent Movie I Saw This Year: Unless
I missed something, The Phantom Carriage was
the only classic silent movie I saw this year. How did that happen? The Artist is a silent movie and that
edges out the real silent movie because Berenice Bejo wasn’t alive in the
1920s. Oh, and Guy Maddin’s Cowards Bend
the Knee was a silent, but it was also missing Bejo.
Best Crispin Glover Moment: He rocks a
red velvet suit, sings a song, gets beaten up by a young Tim Robbins, and has a
fight with a wall in Twister. He’s a
force in River’s Edge. But he creates
something insane and magical in Simon
Says. Seriously, stop reading this (like you haven’t already!) and watch
that movie.
Most Ridiculous Orgasmic Moment: What
follows a “ding” in The Cabin in the
Woods.
The Torgo (Best Worst Acting Performance of
the Year): This was the most impressive list of nominees ever! Robert
Williams from The Giant Claw, Kon
Ohmura from Gamera vs. Guiron, Alan
Bagh or the gas station employee or the guy in an Easy-E shirt in Birdemic: Shock and Terror, Ray Milland
or Adam Roarke in Frogs, Jack Woods
who directed himself in Equinox, Ray
Sager in The Wizard of Gore, Isaac
Kappy’s small role in Thor, Angela
Boyd’s small part in Rocky Balboa,
Antonia Dorian’s Princess April in Dinosaur
Island, Tom Jarmusch (Jim’s brother) as Conan the accordionist in Johnny Suede, Marjoe in a couple movies,
Jack Driscoll as the bus driver in Trip
with the Teacher, Elizabeth Berkley’s awe-inspiring performance in Showgirls, John Gatins off-the-hook work
in Real Steel. Seriously, any of
these could win the Torgo this year, but this award can only belong to one fine
thespian—Gary Busey for his remarkably terrible work as both a person and a dog
in Quigley. Absolutely amazing.
The Most Painful Movie Experience of the
Year (Worst Bad Movie): Transmorphers,
Dark Shadows, Hearbeeps, Period
Piece, and The Secret of the Magic
Gourd were all painful. Mighty painful. But only one movie made me want to
take my own life before the end credits—Chipwrecked.
The Manos (Best Worst Movie): Look at
this list of bad movies that I loved watching:
The Devil’s Sword
The Giant ClawA*P*E
Gamera vs. Guiron
The Man Who Saved the World
Viva Knievel!
Frogs
Deathsport
The Godmonster of Indian Flats
The Wizard of Gore
Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter
Monster from a Prehistoric Planet
Starcrash
Showgirls
Simon Says
Samurai Cop
Santa with Muscles
Quigley
If somebody
told me that any of the above movies was the worst movie they’ve ever seen, I
wouldn’t be able to argue with them. But there’s one movie I watched this year
that was just special, the only 1/20 that I gave out this year. I watched it
early this year and knew nothing would beat it. I’ve talked about this movie
with everybody I know to help spread the word, and I eagerly anticipate the
sequel which is coming out in 2013. That movie, friends, is Birdemic: Shock and Terror. It’s the
best worst of the best worst and well deserving of the Manos this year.
Best Movie of the Year: As always, old
favorites are not considered. That excludes Reservoir
Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Withnail and I, Young Frankenstein, Papillon, Once Upon a
Time in the West, Taxi Driver, Cool Hand Luke, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless
Mind, The Cook The Thief His Wife and Her Lover, Rocky, Citizen Kane, Midnight
Cowboy, Down by Law, Stranger than Paradise, L.A. Confidential, Fargo, Barton
Fink, Freaks, Fight Club, M, Five Easy Pieces, Willie Wonka and the Chocolate
Factory, Rushmore, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, Bride of Frankenstein,
The Love Bug, Squid and the Whale, Memento, Smokey and the Bandit, You the
Living (former best movie award winner),
Amelie, The Karate Kid, Schindler’s List, Pi, The Wizard of Oz, Singin’ in the
Rain, and Vertigo which is my favorite
movie of all time. Wow! That’s a lot of great movie-watchin’ there! Here are
the best new-to-Shane movies that I saw this year in alphabetical order:
Cowards Bend the Knee (or, the Blue Hands)
Death Rides a HorseHow to Get Ahead in Advertising
Ju Dou (a fine recommendation from Cory)
La Havre (from shane-movies favorite Aki Kaurismaki)
Moonrise Kingdom (on a date with my favorite person in the world not named Crispin Glover)
Pepe le Moko
Purple Noon (the third Cory recommendation here)
Ridicule (another Cory recommendation)
Smoke
Sound of Noise (my favorite little surprise)
The Artist
The Ruling Class
The Taking of Pelham One Two Three
The Virgin Spring (It’s possible that I’d seen this before.)
Finally: The following list consists of
movies that I liked but that nobody commented on. I reckon that might be
because they’re obscure and people haven’t seen them. I think they’re worth
watching!
Trollhunter (great found footage
horror-comedy from Norway)
Parents (very black comedy featuring a
Quaid brother)Fish Story (clever apocalypse movie from Japan)
Street Thief (pretty good mockumentary)
[Rec] (more found footage, this one pretty much straight horror)
OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies (spoof comedy with Bejo and that guy from The Artist)
Trees Lounge (quiet little movie with Steve Buscemi)
Thieves Like Us (Depression-era Altman flick)
The first 2/3rd of Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (good horror comedy but it loses steam)
Sleepwalk with Me (sweet little romantic comedy starring and directed by a good comedian)
The Favour, The Watch, and the Very Big Fish (Goldblum gets to play Jesus in this black comedy)
Smoke Signals (Native America-directed comedy with some funny moments)
The Fall (longish fantasy that’s a nice tribute to silent-era stuntmen)
I’m a Cyborg but That’s Ok (a bizarre little treat, like a Japanese Cuckoo’s Nest)
Leaves of Grass (far-from-perfect Coen-esque black comedy with Ed Norton playing twins)
Hands on a Hard Body (cool little documentary)
The Living Wake (a fun little irreverent black comedy with an Eisenberg)
The Bunny and the Bull (quirky, bizarre comedy that burbles with creativity)
Submarine (I must like black comedies—this one reminded me of Amelie and Wes Anderson)
Zazie dans le Metro (Louis Malle gets really goofy in this stream-of-conscious non-animated cartoon)
The Puffy Chair (simple comedy from the Duplass brothers)
Good Morning (simple Ozu drama with a lot of farting)
Mousehunt (fun family slapstick that isn’t afraid to get a little dark)
Rat (cool little Irish comedy with a lot of clever moments and a great Imelda Staunton performance)
Klown (hilarious and probably offensive comedy from Denmark)
The Great Buck Howard (not great at all, but it has a fun Malkovich performance)
The Cabin in the Woods (as I wrote about this one, it's either really clever or really stupid and probably a combination--loads of fun though)
World’s Greatest Dad (very dark but as I said before, you get to see Robin Williams naked)
Good bye.
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