Rating: 5/20
Plot: An ax cult is on the loose in a city that is probably L.A., and they're axing women left and right. It's up to the titular anti-hero to take care of business the only way he knows how--preposterously! Throw out the rule book. Cobra's got crime to fight!
There should have come a moment when Stallone was no longer allowed to write movies. My question: Do you think Stallone walked on the set, think "How can I make my character even more badass?" and stick a matchstick in his mouth spontaneously or was that written into the script. If Stallone has an editing process--I completely doubt he's got an editing process--I'd like to think it evolved a little like this:
"The camera pans to Cobra who is wearing sunglasses and chewing on a paperclip."
Stallone: No, a paperclip isn't good for the teeth.
"The camera pans to Cobra who is clutching a gun and chewing on a pencil."
Stallone: No, too nerdy. I do like the idea of wood though.
"The camera pans to Cobra who rides up on his motorcycle and chews on a leg broken off a kitchen table."
Stallone: Hmm. I like it, but it might be too distracting.
"The camera pans to Cobra who has giant pectoral muscles. He's chewing on a toothpick."
Stallone: Damn it, Sly! Think! Think!
"The camera pans to Cobra who has unbelievably tight pants. He's chewing on a popsicle stick."
Stallone: That won't work either.
"The camera pans to Cobra who scowls and chews on a matchstick."
Stallone: Good enough! If I'm going to get this entire script finished like I did Rocky, I've got to move on!
I didn't realize that I was accidentally watching a Christmas movie here, but sure enough, this is as Christmasy as Die Hard. This starts with Stallone sounding a little like Bale's Batman voice and goes downhill from there. The first bad guy's "I'll keeeeeeel you!" made me laugh when I probably wasn't supposed to. Stallone's tagline--"You're the disease, and I'm the cure."--sounds like something I could have made up back in the mid-80s when I was twelve and playing with He-Man action figures well past the age that I was supposed to. "Do you want to go to hell?", a line heard later in the movie, doesn't improve things. Stallone says these behind sunglasses always threatening to pick up cameramen. Every time a character with the exception of Brigitte Nielson speaks in this movie, it feels like the movie is flexing its muscles, muscles molded with the help of illegal supplements. There's one of the strangest montages you'll ever see with Sly and his partner running around talking to lowlifes with jump cuts to a modeling shoot with Brigitte and a bunch of robots and then those people rhythmically slapping axes together again. It's bizarre, but at least we're spared dialogue. Stallone's practically a robot himself, but he does get a nice moment where he mimics a bobblehead. Even if this movie had a story, it would be pretty terrible. Actually, it does have a story, but the antagonists' motivation of societal cleansing or some kind of "New World" never makes any sense. It makes more sense than all the product placement though. Man, what a badass poster though! That's a movie poster I wouldn't want to mess with.
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