The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

2012 epic third

Rating: 12/20 (Jennifer: fell asleep; Dylan: 9/20; Emma: 17/20; Abbey: 11/20)

Plot: The titular hero, a guy Leonard Nimoy sang about in this song here, has his hole accosted by some filthy bearded guys and a really tall hobo who want him get on a pony and ride with them 1/3rd of the way to the filthy guys' former home where a dragon now dwells amongst piles of gold coins. Along the way, they are forced to fight ugly guys and even uglier guys, and Bilbo steals a piece of jewelry from a shrunken King Kong.

Jennifer: "I don't even know what a hobbit is."

Sometimes I take notes while watching a movie, and sometimes I use those notes and questions to help me write the crap that nobody reads here. Instead of writing something real and spending even more time than the nearly-three hours I've already spent with this movie, I'm just typing out my notes verbatim with a few additions where I felt the need to explain my thoughts. Seem lazy? Well, you're not reading this anyway, so it doesn't matter.

Really bad wanton death fire effect. And where's the fucking dragon? They're not even going to show me a dragon?

Elf on a moose! If that doesn't make you laugh, you're not human. Why does only one elf get a moose though?

I want to see a hobbit mailman. They obviously have them since Bilbo has mail.

Did hobbit feet look like this in those Lord of the Ring movies? I don't remember. Those feet would stop me from having sex with a hobbit right there.

Gandalf says he wants to share in an adventure like a perverse uncle.

I need subtitles from Gandalf. Let's see him work a spell to help him stop mumbling.

Gandalf vandalized!

3-D roll throw! I definitely should have spent the thirty dollars to see this in the theater.

Ain't no party like a dwarf party. They sure can belch and make ball jokes. But why does Bilbo have all this food?

Let's be honest--their map kind of sucks. It looks like a child drew it.

I like the actor who plays Bilbo. Martin Freeman. Still, it's offensive that they didn't use a little person wearing those house slippers that look like bear feet. Lots of little person actors out there could use the work.

Somebody just said that hobbits are light on their feet. Seriously? With those giant meaty things?

Cool beards in this movie--this is the beardiest movie of all time. What about the hobbits though? Do they shave or do they just not grow facial hair?

Golf? Did I hear that story about troll heads rolling in rabbit holes correctly, Gandalf? That's how golf was invented? They have golf in Middle Earth? Surely this wasn't in the book.

Oh, good. A second song. Emma is pleased that this is a musical.

Ponies! Instead of sweeping grand shots with predictable music that show characters walking, we get the same shots with characters riding ponies.

"You think a night raid by Orcs is a joke?"

Orc fight--here's some more clumsy special effects. This does not look good.

Lead beard guy--"Noooooo!" In a way, I want something tragic enough to happen in my life where I get to look at the sky and say, "Noooooo!"

Dwarf Mr. T.

Orcs must speak the same language as Bib Fortuna. I believe that's the geekiest thought I've ever had.

Radagast--a crazed hippie surrounded by CGI animals

This journey is kind of like a vacation where dad stops at every rest area. Or maybe it's like when he gets off every single exit.

Bunny-led sleigh. What the hell?

Trolls carrying ponies--that sounds like it would be hot, but this is another effect that looks just terrible, even in the dark where they like to hide bad computer effects.

Trolls speak in English accents and have speech impediments? You learn something every day.

Troll taint--that would be a hell of a band name.

All these action sequences are sluggish.

I've been waiting for Gandalf to do something that a wizard might do. Finally, he breaks a rock. That defeat-the-troll-with-sunlight thing seems really cheap though.

Why does Radagast have toothpaste in his hair? Or is that bird crap? His encounter with a ghost in the rubble of a castle is my favorite part of the movie so far.

Hold on! That bunny twitching his leg! Yes! Best thing I've ever seen!

Wow, those wolf things look even faker than the rest of the stuff in this.

"We have no ponies!"

Bunny sled fleeing from orcs--this is setting special effects back several years. This movie looks worse than The Phantom Menace.

Gandalf? Do something wizardy!

I'll see the second installment of this in the theater if I'm promised more of that bunny twitching his leg. What would that look like in 3-D?

Elf v. dwarf junk: Elves are taller, but why do I think dwarfs probably have them beat in the genitalia department?

Well, I wouldn't want to eat elf food either if it was offered in a threatening-sounding elf language. Wait, there are hot harpists? Ok, I'll eat.

"I don't like green food." Cory?

Wait, only elves can read this map? It's got a mountain and two roads on it. Even a woman could read that thing!

Hugo Weaving. I'm really sick of this guy.

If Cate Blanchett tried to communicate with my telepathically, I'd just nod and pretend I knew what the heck she was saying to me. Or I'd fondle her and then say, "Oh, I misunderstood what you were trying to say there."

That shot with Blanchett turning slowly with that crescent moon behind her is so flamboyantly pretentious.

Even waterfalls in this movie don't look right. Those waterfalls are wack.

And there's Christopher Lee. And now I'm confused. I'll need Dylan to try to explain what's going on to me.

These movies are worse when elves are involved.

New drinking game: Drink a shot every time somebody says "Dwarf scum"

Lee's character: "[Radagast] is a foolish fellow." And he's on mushrooms? That explains why he thinks a bunny-led sleigh is the best method of transportation, I guess.

Blanchett disappeared!

I complain about a walking montage. Dylan says, "They're questing. You have to have shots like this when they're questing."

"Oh, no. Now there's a rock monster?"

This rock monster thing is about the stupidest thing I've ever seen. And how did every single character survive that scene?

What are these things? Goblins? Their home is kind of neat, but the Bilbo/Goblin fight was really stupid.

Why's the king of the goblins have a wattle?

Gollum can't sing worth shit. Is it my imagination or is he more comically schizophrenic here? And taller? I guess that's because he's had the ring.

I guess I don't really understand what this ring does.

Great, Bilbo and Gollum are going to exchange riddles for fifteen minutes because this movie was going way too fast. Gollum will never replace Alex Trebeck, by the way. I need subtitles for him, too.

OK, the goblin king is a little too jolly. And that's not a wattle. That's a giant one-ball nutsack hanging from his chin. Peter Jackson stole this idea from that movie with Hugh Jackman.

Wizard action! Finally!

Ok, I know this is a fantasy movie and all, but the scene where the ring flies in the air and lands on his finger? I'm not buying that.

I do like that the ring has its own theme music.

Great. Now I've lost my wedding ring trying to throw it in the air and catch it on my finger.

Goblin Wilhelm scream.

The CGI dwarfs and Gandalf are running a little two rapidly on the little bridges. This looks comical. And it's endless.

Why's the main orc named Hot Dog?

Hot Dog's evil laugh is pretty amazing.

Pine cone bombs? Smokey Bear is going to be pissed!

Bilbo just saved the man bearded guy's life--everything about that scene is dumb. The music? Dumb. The quickness with which Bilbo gets there? Dumb. His sudden prowess with that sword? Dumb.

Giant eagles again? Give me a break.

Why don't they just go the rest of the way via giant eagles? Those eagles really left them in an inconvenient spot. I'm blaming the eagles for this needing to be three movies.

Cool ending, but the shot of an eye isn't giving me any hope that the dragon in the next movie is going to look better than any of the special effects in this movie.

Should I whine about not getting a full movie there?