1986 horror movie
Rating: 7/20 (Josh: 3/20; Jeremy: 7.4/20; Johnny: 4/20; Libby: 5/20; Fred: 2/20)
Plot: Teens partying after-hours in the titular shopping establishment face off against a triad of security robots that take their jobs a little too seriously. The teens are killed in a variety of ways, ironically none which resemble chopping.
You lose a point for a bad pun in the title, Chopping Mall. This first came out as Killbots but didn't do well because people thought it had something to do with transforming robots. Those robots don't look menacing enough at all, but they sure can kill in a variety of ways, including a great scene featuring an exploding head. And as Jeremy said, they kind of act like dicks. They don't just finish you off quickly in this. No, they set you on fire so that there can be some agony involved. They just don't chop which should probably knock this down another point. And they look a little silly with those old-people grabber tools for hands. Their menace was backed by a redundant electronic theme song which I liked, but I couldn't stop wondering if they were actually playing the music, kind of like how I hummed my own John Williams-esque music or whatever when I played outside as a kid and a few times as an adult. With the noise from the tank tread, it made it impossible for the killbots to sneak up on anybody, but that's not the kind of thing that would stop this director. This is a Jim Wynorski jam, and he voices all three robots (wish they had a wider variety of things to say actually) and even performed a stunt in this and broke a rib. That's dedication to your art, ladies and gentlemen. And since it's a Wynorski movie, there are going to be some boobs, gratuitously. Of course, it's an 80's slasher movie, so the sex-leading-to-death motif's got to be in there regardless of who films the story. The plot goes exactly where you think it will except for a few surprises near the end where you find out how dangerous paint or pet stores can be and it's revealed that a character has just been standing around not helping at all for a while which makes him kind of lame. But that's a spoiler alert. There are probably a lot more in this list of stuff people said while we watched the movie:
Johnny: "It's a BMC within a BMC. How meta!" (This did have a little movie-within-the-movie and showed the end of Attack of the Crab Monsters. That gave this three "The End" screens which is almost like Them! having three Wilhelm Screams but not really as impressive. Anyway, I thought it was worth mentioning.)
Libby: "Does he get naked? Cuz if he doesn't, you're wasting my time." (Libby might have been inebriated for this one.)
Me: "Coke AND McDonalds product placement." (I guess it's unavoidable since this was filmed in an actual mall, but there did seem to be a lot of product placement. I wanted to see an Orange Julius but was disappointed.)
Josh: "You ALWAYS jack it utilizing your peripherals." (This probably needs context. Hell, all of this probably needs context.)
Me: "I wouldn't let any of my daughters date a guy who chews gum like that." (John Terlesky played "Mike" who chewed gum obnoxiously and perpetually. He won't win, but I'm nominating him for a Torgo Award just because of how he chewed gum.)
Johnny: "Paul Blart Robot is as menacing as Gargamel from The Smurfs."
Johnny: "Lotta chifferobe busting going on." (Yes! It's catching on!)
Jeremy: "The awkward conversation tomorrow with the boss will be about having to discount a sofa with semen stains on it."
Libby: "Is this janitor in every fucking 80's movie?" (That janitor, Libby, is Will Gill Jr. a guy with a stupid name who plays "security guard" a lot. He doesn't have nearly as many movie jobs as Dick Miller though, who plays Walter Paisley in this. He works in a lot of movies. Sculptor, pizza delivery guy, bartender, security guard, doorman, peddler, repairman, night manager, policeman, impound clerk, storekeeper, another security guard, vendor, motel manager, cab driver, waiter, pawn shop clerk [in Terminator], theater owner, teacher, diner owner [as Walter Paisley, the same name he's given here, in Twilight Zone: The Movie], broadcaster, animal trainer, waiter again, seaman, factory watchman, bookstore owner [in The Howling, also as Walter Paisley], prison guard, more cops, pianist, game show host, sketch artist, couple more taxi drivers, reporter, fashion photographer, soldier, "gangster dressed as a cop," rigger, wrangler, another cop, another waiter, another taxi driver, and an Indian wearing hat which I suppose isn't a job. And he plays a horseshoe player in Motorama. And Walter Paisley again in Hollywood Boulevard and A Bucket of Blood. If this doesn't prove that I have too much time on my hands, I don't know what does.)
Fred: "Jock asses." (Jock asses bustin' up a chifferobe. I want a real reason to say something like these exact words.)
Josh: "So they bully you to death?"
Josh: "Why are the robots repositioning the bodies?" (It's a fair question.)
Jeremy: "I hope later they all pose as mannequins." (This was about 50 minutes before they all posed as mannequins.)
Fred: "Damn, those Dockers really do never wrinkle!"
Libby: "She just motorboated a flare." (Where else other than BMC can a person type a sentence like that?)
Me: "Dropping Mall" (My own clever attempt at punnery!)
Jeremy: "The coast is clear. Shit, didn't check right in front of me." (Seriously, this is all pretty funny in context.)
Fred: "Still amazed at those Dockers!"
Johnny: "Rick Moranis's twin shot his eye laser thing out. Jeez, follow the intricate plot."
Josh: "Can robots be 'bastards'?" (Another fair question)
That's enough of that.
My favorite thing about this movie is probably the random appearance of Paul Bartel and Mary Woronov who apparently are playing the same characters they played in Eating Raoul. There was also a gun store in the mall (come on...) called Peckinpah's which was kind of cute.
Bad Movie Club is every Sunday at 9:30. This Sunday, we'll be watching either a religious movie or a movie with bunnies.
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