1989 wrestling movie
Rating: 7/20 (Johnny: 9/20; Libby: 12/20; Fred: 6/20; Josh: 10/20; Jeremy: didn't rate it [and I'm not fully convinced he even watches these things--he might just poke in once in a while to type something ("Come on, Hulkster!"] to make the rest of us think he's involved. It's not a bad strategy actually.])
Plot: Wrestler Rip's the WWF champion, but an executive for a competing television network wants him to jump ship and wrestle for him. When those plans fall through (because Rip is a jock ass, obviously), Brell tries to find a new way to gain viewers. He starts the creatively-named "Battle of the Tough Guys" after seeing some bar-fight action in a decrepit dive. The ultimate tough guy--murderous Zeus--wins the competition, and Rip is compelled to meet him in the octagon with. . .No Holds Barred!
This movie's got all sorts of problems. If you're making a movie with Hulk Hogan, and Hulk Hogan isn't the worst actor in the movie, there's an issue. Kurt Fuller plays the villain in this, and he plays it with sharpened teeth and bile leaking out of his eyes. There were times where I worried that he was going to start chewing on the walls or have his eyeballs pop out of his head in this. Now, Fuller is obviously a more accomplished actor than the Hulkster, but the former's performance make's Hogan look halfway competent in this, and that is no easy feat. A second problem is that Joan Severance is in this movie and doesn't get naked even once. Of course, with a PG-13 rating, you didn't expect to see the same parts Severance enjoys showing off in other movies. Also, the script is so dumb that it can only appeal to middle-school boys, widely considered the dumbest people on Earth, and an R-rating with nudity and real violence would have kept them out of the theater. A third problem: There's a little person in this movie, but all he does is sit in a cage in a rough bar. You've got to unleash those little people, Hulk Hogan! You can't keep those guys in a cage. That's just like keeping your light under a bush. Oh, no! You've got to let that shine! The massive presence of Tommy "Tiny" Lister as Zeus, the sight of Hulk Hogan in absurdly tiny shorts where it's revealed that he's doing push-ups after it was implied that he was violently masturbating, a pie fight that stops a robbery, a romantic subplot that is as cheesy as it is half-assed ("You build bigger walls than I ever could!"), a theme song featuring the movies title but with a bunch of extra R's, a performance by the Hulkster that is probably the best of his that I've ever seen (not that that's saying anything at all), a ginormous gentleman in overalls, all the wrastlin'. Nothing really could have saved this D.O.A. concept and story. And regretfully, I'm wondering if maybe BMC going the distance in a match with No Holds Barred was somewhat responsible for the death of the Ultimate Warrior. I hope not because I wouldn't want that on my conscience. There are loads of other jock asses at least partially responsible for No Holds Barred finding its way into our lives who should have it on their consciences.
I can't think of anything to write, so here's some of the crap we typed while watching. This will clear everything up.
Fred: "What's the over-under on the mentions of 24-inch pythons?"
Johnny: "I've got it paused on Hogan's slobbering jowls." (This after a Netflix malfunction forced us to pause.)
Johnny: "The story goes Vince McMahon and Hogan rewrote the whole script after it was finished by a professional." (This information almost explains everything you need to know about this movie.)
Jeremy: "Man, that guy loves to say jockass." (There were five or six of that clever insult in this script.)
Libby: "That man can move in heels!"
Johnny: "Does Hogan look a little rapey right now to anyone else?"
Josh: "Is Hulkster going to be wearing spandex for the entire movie?" (Answer: Not quite. Almost though.)
Josh: "Midget in a cage was the ONLY thing I wanted at our wedding."
Me: "Guhhhh! Whuuuu! Uuuuuu-ooo-uuuuu! (Tiny Lister: 'Ok, I can do that just like the script says, but what if I said "Muuuuuhh!" instead of "Guhhhh!" there?')"
Johnny: "I'm just guessing Rip and Randy have different fathers." (Randy was the Hulk's brother in this movie, and apparently nobody even thought about finding a Randy who looked remotely like Hulk Hogan (then again, who does?) or had a similar physique. My biggest disappointment in this movie was that Rip's final match--which, if I can spoiler it for you, is a dramatic victory--didn't inspire Randy to get up out of his wheelchair and start walking around.)
Josh: "Falls down a well, eyes go crossed. Gets kicked by a mule...becomes Zeus." (Lister's overall look and performance might have been the best thing about this movie, by the way.)
We also picked tough guy names while watching this movie. Mine was Rocko Meatglaciar. Johnny was Jared Syn. Josh was Steve McQueer or Braggin Big Balls Baducci. Libby was Long Crack McShaggins. Jeremy went with Steel Lightning.
Rip! My arms are at least this greasy at least half of the day.
I don't know what emotion this is supposed to be, yet Hulk Hogan is still not the worst actor in this movie.
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