Machete Kills

2013 sequel

Rating: 8/20

Plot: President Charlie Sheen recruits the titular badass to stop a guy who hates Jews from doing whatever he's trying to do.

There's almost nothing to like in this ill-advised sequel, a movie that feels like it just has to be a low-budget sequel made by a money-hungry studio with no input from Robert Rodriguez, the director who made the first installment which was an enjoyable piece of trash. But look! Robert Rodriguez did co-write and direct this complete waste of time. Things start out foreboding enough with what I thought was a fake trailer for Machete Kills Again which features the character in space, lightsabers, a guy in a metal mask, a cheap Justin Bieber reference, and an appearance by Lady Gaga. Turns out that Machete Kills Again. . .In Space! is going to complete the trilogy unless that was just a threat. Rodriguez craps out a bunch of half-baked ideas, hoping for something that will connect as unpredictably as the best stuff from this movie's predecessor. But showing us Charlie Sheen as the President of the United States, a cheapo "Put on your 3D glasses" sex gag, shots of a beauty pageant gal firing a machine gun, and the nearly-perfectly-shaped Sofia Vergara with machine gun breasts is just not enough. What's Vergara doing in a movie like this anyway? I know why Antonion Banderas is around, and I guess Mel Gibson, who probably gives the best performance in a movie with no good performances at all, has to do something with his time. I'm even kind of embarrassed for Lady Gaga that she has to be in this, flashing as much ass cheek as she usually does and almost-but-not-quite seeming like a real actress for her brief time on film. Danny Trejo, I suppose, is still cool, showing off a neat twitch thing he does with his eyes, but he seems worn out from the first movie. Nobody, Trejo or Rodriguez or whoever else was involved, seems to know what to do with this character, and I'm surprised at how much he just kind of stands around. When there is action, it's weighed down with some really poor special effects. There are a few decapitations and gross-out death sequences if you're in to that sort of thing, but chances are, you're going to be bored by this even if you are into that sort of thing. This is a sequel that even the most die-hard fans of the first movie should avoid. And I'm already hating my future self for wasting time with the third movie in the series. What's wrong with me?