1987 action movie
Rating: 7/20 (Josh: 8/20; Fred: 7/20; Johnny: 6/20; Libby: 2/20; Jeremy [who picked this movie]: didn't finish due to Internet issues)
Plot: Mercenaries grab people off the streets and whisk them away in their creeper van to be hunted in their compound for training purposes. They kidnap the wrong guy when the grab the titular oxymoron, a Vietnam veteran badass named Mike Danton.
Here's a movie that should have been pitched right around the time those ridiculous movies pitting the alien from Alien and the predator from Predator against each other: Rambo vs. That Guy from Deadly Prey. Rambo vs. Mike Danton wouldn't have put asses in the seat. Rambo vs. That Guy from Deadly Prey makes your junk wiggle a bit just thinking about it. While we're at it, let's just go ahead and do That Guy from Deadly Prey vs. Predator or That Guy from Deadly Prey vs. Alien or That Guy from Deadly Prey vs. Both Freddy and Jason. Regardless of who his opponent(s) might be, I'm putting my money on Mike Danton. Here's what this hero, played by Ted Prior who was in another Bad Movie Club Pick (Surf Nazis Must Die), has going for him. First, the dude's omnipresent. I think he might even be some sort of burly shirtless wizard. He pops out of holes that he somehow found the time to dig, and then, just a few seconds later, he's hanging from a tree shooting guys. He's all over the place, all at once. Second, he's a badass. Sure, he gets kidnapped and thrown in that creeper van rather easily, but once he's being pursued by the mercenaries-in-training, the beast is unleashed. The body count in this thing rivals Weng Weng's in D' Wild Wild Weng, and that little guy knows how to pile up the bodies. Third, you just have to appreciate his methods of killing his foes. Sure, you've got the usual stabbings and shootings, but he also slams people into trees, scalps somebody, puts a grenade down the front of somebody's pants, impales, booby traps with a frequency that would make Short Round piss himself, and, most memorably, beats a man to death with that man's own arm. Let me say that again just in case you didn't read it properly--Mike Danton chops off a guy's arm and then beats him to death with it. Finally, there's that voice. God, that voice! It might be the best-worst tough-guy grumble that you'll ever hear, and he never varies it. Even at his most angry--after he finds out that his wife got the "rape cot" treatment where a man who kept his pants on possibly took advantage of her--he stays monotonously constipated-sounding, and it's just beautiful. It's the type of voice that could kick your ass. Of course, Prior isn't the only actor in this movie although I do believe he's the only one [Spoiler Alert] to actually survive. David Campbell as the hammy antagonist, Colonel John Hogan, and the two female characters in this sausage fest--Suzzane Tara as the wife and Dawn Abraham--are perfectly bad. Tara alternates between screaming and giggling while on the "rape cot," and Abraham does her best to make her completely superfluous character stand out. This isn't a movie about characters though. It's a Rambo-esque action thriller about a guy beating people to death with their own arms. The violence is cheap and redundant, and that latter characteristic makes it feel unquestionably American. There's nothing smart about this movie at all, and that's probably what makes it so endearing, the rare piece of entertainment that will make you feel dumber after you've watched it.
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