Bad Movie Club: Attack of the Beast Creatures

1985 horror movie

Rating: 5/20 (Jeremy: 3/20; Fred: 2/20; Josh: 1/20; Libby: didn't make it)

Plot: Shipwreck survivors end up on a mysterious island filled with acid streams and some terrifying puppets, part-beast and part-creature. How will any of them survive the nibbling?

Look at these fuckers:

For the longest time, nothing was happening in this movie except for lots of walking and some berry-eating. Oh, and somebody fell into the acid stream. And then, you get beast creatures. However, the first time they attack, it's dark and they're difficult to see. I expected to be cheated, expected that the makers of the redundantly-titled Attack of the Beast Creatures were going to hide their low budget and laughable effects with darkness. I wasn't sure we were going to get a good glimpse of the beast creatures at all. I'm so glad I was wrong:

Josh pointed out that they look like little orange Tommy Wiseaus, something that could actually make this the most terrifying movie ever made. Well, at least until you see them running, something that the producers of this also aren't too shy to show you multiple times. I honestly couldn't tell you how the effect is pulled off, but it looks similar to a Muppet running in fast motion. I have a feeling that director Michael Stanley and his special effects wizards worked really hard to perfect the effect, so hard that they felt the need to make their effort worth it by giving "beast creature running" about fifteen minutes of screen time. It made me giggle every single time. The little guys aren't really all that menacing. The attack scenes in this start with shots of them sitting in trees or lurking behind bushes, and they're about as intimidating as your average squirrel. When they attack, you're treated to shots of the actors holding them against themselves and jerking around a little bit. That, or you're treated to a close-up where the beast creatures jaw moves up and down while it gnaws on the victim's skin. And no, that's not nearly as grotesque or horrifying as it sounds. It's definitely not as grotesque or as horrifying as the acting in this. The worst offender is John Vichiola as Mr. Morgan, a guy whose character arc moves him from perpetually grumpy to rabid and flailing. The second most interesting character is Case Quinn, but he's only interesting because it appears from almost the beginning of the movie that he has shat in his white pants. And we Bad Movie Clubbers have the mentality of 8-year-olds, and can't let something like that go. When a movie's second most interesting character is the movie's second most interesting character because it kind of looks like he's shit himself, said movie probably doesn't have any interesting characters. Attack of the Beast Creatures doesn't, and those characters' decisions don't make much sense either. The entire movie has the characters moving to higher ground, apparently because that would give them a better chance to defend themselves against the beast creatures. It takes them about three days, it seems, but when they realize that plan won't work and decide to return to the shore, it takes about five minutes. You're not really watching this one for the plot (barely existent) or characterization, but some terrible acting and dialogue and those titular little fuckers make it worth it.