Halloween Movie Fest: The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made

2005 comedy

Rating: I don't know.

Plot: Some people get together for a poker game, and a few of them die. Then, a game of 52-Card-Pick-Up turns violent, and a couple are forced to flee. God, what am I doing with my life. Why the hell would I even think about watching this?

A poop monster, lots of talk about fecal matter, a hootenanny, lactation, bloody baby dolls, fake penises, a werewolf that either disappeared or anally raped a character named Detective Fred, a snowman, Jesus, the line "So you want us to shoot you out of a cannon right into her meat curtains?", a fight between a fake spider and a fake bat, a mummy. I don't know what to do with any of this. I did learn that cups were the only thing in the Bible that Jesus is afraid of which is one more thing than I learned at the Bible college I attended for a year and a half. All the bonus points I would get from God for going to a Bible college are wiped away after watching this movie. There's too much blasphemy and racism in this. So Saint Peter is going to say, "Sure, you went to a Bible college for three semesters and got a few hits for their baseball team--The Preachers--but you also watched The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made. I don't know if we want to let you in."

You, whoever you might be, shouldn't watch this. It's stupid. In a way, it's frustrating because I think director Bill Zebub, a guy who has made 39 other movies that are more than likely a lot like this since 2002, lets a little cleverness slip in every once in a while. And then--poop monster. Or a CGI rape scene that is not awful because a character is being raped but because the CGI is so bad. I laughed a bunch of times while watching this because I was apparently as high as a human being can be, but once I sobered up, I was embarrassed by the whole thing. I probably shouldn't have even written about it here. I hate myself.

Bill Zebub, for your information, is the director of Antfarm Dickhole. I'd watch that, but I'm terrified I would have to use the word titular in my review.

Seriously, don't watch this. Watch something else instead.

This might be the most depressed I have ever been. If this blog entry isn't a cry for help, I don't know what it is.