Ernest Saves Christmas

1988 Christmas miracle

Rating: 12/20 (Jen: 11/20; Dylan: 12/20; Emma: 17.5/20; Abbey: 18.5; Buster: fell asleep)

Plot: Santa Claus has been at it for far too long and flies to Miami to recruit a replacement. He runs into lots of trouble, and some loser has to save the day with the help of a teenage runaway.

My brother likes to remind me that I fell asleep while watching this in a theater.

I was honestly only watching this to punish my family for relentless making fun of me for my love of Emmett Otter's Jug-Band Christmas. Instead of sugarplums dancing in my head, I just had thoughts like this: "Poke fun at one of my childhood favorites? Take this, bitches!" I'm not sure if those are appropriate Christmas Eve thoughts or not, but anybody who trashes Emmett Otter deserves it. And they deserved Ernest.

Unfortunately, my plan for Christmas vengeance didn't work out so well because they actually seemed to like Ernest. They laughed and I laughed, and we all had a jolly gay time. Jim Varney's character is irritating--probably intentionally--but I'd never really given the actor credit for whatever he does in these movies. I don't think I'd call him a comedic genius, but the character's fun enough and memorable--although I had forgotten that Ernest was apparently some kind of master of disguise. There's an extended scene in this where Ernest and the teenager he decides to hang out with destroy Vern's house with a Christmas tree, and there are some sketchy special effects during a climactic sleigh ride. The story's as predictable as a Christmas story can get. And as you'd expect from something like this, a lot of what's supposed to be funny just isn't funny. However, the movie's completely harmless (unfortunately for my little scheme) and if you're in the mood to turn off your brain during the holiday season--something it seems most people do--then this might pass as entertainment. It's definitely probably worth staying awake for.

Here's what I was really excited about--one of my (probably darkhorse) favorite bad movies we've watched for Bad Movie Club was Shotgun, featuring an actor named Stuart Chapin at the titular bad-boy cop. Chapin unfortunately didn't have much of a career, but I did spot him as an extra in a scene where Santa's in jail. Check him out!

Shot!

Gun!

Shotgun! I would include a picture of Chapin from Shotgun, but you'll have doubts it's the same guy, and with my current fragile psyche, I'm not sure I could handle something like that. Oh, and you know who else is in that jail cell with Santa? Liam Neeson. Go out and when yourself a bar bet with that piece of information. 

Ok, I'll do it. Here's Stuart Chapin. Same guy, right? I'm not usually very good at recognizing faces. 

Hair's straighter and longer in Ernest, but look at those deep eye sockets. Ok, maybe it's not the same guy. Don't tell me that though because the information would destroy me. 

There are a pair of pretty good little person performances in the final third of this, and as I usually do, I looked them up to see what else they've been in. Buddy Douglas, who I did recognize, was in something called Sex Kittens Go to College, but I knew him from Little Cigars and David Lynch's On the Air. I really liked him in Little Cigars, but did quite the disservice to the little cigar when I had him in the running for my annual Billy Curtis award and used his character's name--Art Barnes--instead of his real name. Whoops. Patty Maloney was better here, maybe just because she got more lines. Her filmography's filled with a enough to put her in some kind of geek hall of fame. She's got some Star Wars, Buck Rogers, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, and Batman on there. It says she played Twiki in Buck Rogers, but that I thought that was a little guy named Felix Silla. Nobody's taking Lumpy from the Star Wars Christmas Special from her though. That's for sure. 

"Know what I mean?"