1985 wizards movie
Bad Movie Rating: 4/5 (Johnny: 2/5; Josh: 2/5; Fred: 1.5/5; Libby: 2/5; Jeremy: got sleepy)
Rating: 5/20
Plot: An evil sorcerer and his posse of little people have taken over a kingdom, and it's up to a small boy, a gurgling man in a rabbit suit (Mutated Lambchop according to Johnny and dubbed Tampon Man by Libby), and a nondescript hero to stop him.
This borrows footage from Deathstalker and seemingly the entire score from Battle Beyond the Stars, two other Bad Movie Club entries. I can't figure out why my colleagues didn't enjoy this one as much as I did. You had a terrible child actor (Vidal Peterson); a bored, slightly-inept Bo Svenson as the big sword-hoistin' hero; a bad guy played by Thom Christopher who apparently stole Steve Martin's eyebrows and a couple of his poses; a Wookiee-like sidekick named Wulfrick, that guy in a terrible white rabbit suit who did nothing but gurgle; some of the worst fight choreography ever; and more little people characters than one movie should be allowed to have. Wulfrick would probably rank just under Chewbacca if I made a list if Favorite Walking Carpets. Check this guy out:
Wulfrick is the one on the right.
I will say this--there is a lot of creativity that went into this story, with its mermaids and cyclopes and shape-shifting sex witches. The special effects can't come close to keeping up with the ideas, but for me, that usually makes a movie that much easier to appreciate. This is the sort of sword and sandal c-movie craziness that I'd think would appeal to bad movie fans, but as I said, I seem to be the only person in our group who really enjoyed it. Of course, that could have been because we were wanting to watch the sequel instead, mostly because it has David Carradine, but were only able to find this one. But seriously, how can anybody not love something like this:
And check out this guy!
Let's look up those little people to get my mind off that! Nick Cord plays the "Bat Creature," a spry little flying monkey that doesn't fly. Not sure if Cord is a child or a little person beneath that terrific costume, so he's not winning a Billy Curtis. He/She/It does [Spoiler Alert] seem to pair up with Tampon Man at the end of this which forces you to think about the pair having sexual relations. Or is "allows" a better word than "forces" there. You be the judge:
Not a great screen grab, but it should still be enough for your spank banks. The best little person moment might be a scene where the evil sorcerer causes one of his mini-minion to evaporate, but not before the little guy lets out a great "Waaaaaa!" sound. The best little person performance was the spry Michael Fontaine's as a spry, Pillsbury-giggling fake-bearded little wizard. I was disappointed to see that he didn't have much of a career at all although he was a guard in The Man Who Fell to Earth. I don't remember any little people in that movie though. I was even more disappointed to discover that the actors who played Sipra and Bobino and Timmon and Malkon and Merkin and Jerkin and Blumpkin and Tookus and Porkins and Smackums and Jerkoff and Dorko had even smaller careers. In fact, this was their only movie, surprising since it seems these little people actors can find work. One wonders if Shurka's disintegration of them wasn't really a special effect. Somebody should investigate.
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