Nicolas Cage Birthday Celebration: Rage

2014 Nicolas Cage movie

Rating: 8/20

Plot: The daughter of a former criminal is kidnapped. He becomes enraged, grabs a pair of buddies, and tries to take care of business.

Nicolas Cage, one of two people who get special birthday treatment on my blog. Sometimes, he's really really good. Sometimes, he's great. And sometimes, he's in movies like Rage. Here's one of my stream-of-conscious-style posts about this movie. It's going to be far too long, and it's not likely to be of any interest to people who haven't seen this movie. And the handful of people who have taken the plunge? I'm not sure why they'd be interested either. As always, the stuff in bold was added after I copy/pasted the other stuff. Here:

RAGE!

Rage/Cage. They rhyme. This all seems preplanned to me.

[Oh! Let me pause here to tell you that there are spoilers below. The movie will totally be ruined for you if you've not seen this and decide to read it anyway. I had to say that to avoid your RAGE.]

Nic Cage eyes. Door knob. Nic with indeterminate emotions. Door knob. Nic. Door opening--gun! RAGE! If the whole movie's like this, I won't sleep for a year.

Nic pensively leans against his car outside a school. Then, there's a shot of kids coming out of school. And then a flash back to Nic with a giant goofy smile. It made me laugh.

It’s really hard to take Nicolas Cage seriously when he’s playing something that’s supposed to be a real person. You know, like a father.

Or like a friend apparently.

“I seem to remember you double-dipping Betsy, the one with the lazy eye.”
“We shared the same honey pot. It makes us milk brothers.”

I'm not really sure if I know what any of that means, but it seems like Nicolas Cage has some great friends here. I mean, when a relationship has grown enough for milk brothers to feel comfortable double-dipping women with lazy eyes, that relationship is strong.

Even when Nicolas Cage has no lines--like when the mayor is talking about a park--Cage isn’t acting very well. What’s that smile? It's like he's stifling a giggle, probably one developing as he thinks about how much they pay him to make this shit.

Neck-kissing scene--"We don’t have time for this.”--is one of the more awkward things I’ve seen in a while.

No way I’m dating this character’s father. He’s a little too intense.

Mom and daughter have a conversation about smoking and the “look” that Dad gave her. “Yeah, I know the look,” says the daughter with a smile. Is she making fun of his acting there? Do you really know the look he'd be going for?

Now they’re at a restaurant with a bunch of people, but didn't Cage ask his wife earlier which restaurant she wanted to go to? I'm pretty sure that's a continuity error, but it's impossible to know because I'm distracted by Cage scowl.

A second mention of “swinging a hammer”...

Oh! Drop of water plopping into a pool from a leaf! So poetic!

Danny Glover--of course.

Another shot of Nic standing with poor posture--kind of like the poster up there, like he’s in the midst of trying to build up some RAGE but isn’t quite there yet.

Nic’s wife in this looks like she might be about 6 years older than the daughter. [Rachel Nichols--born 1980; Aubrey Peeples, 1993]

Oh, snap! Cage just put on a leather jacket! Ass is about to be kicked! Brown leather! Watch out, bad guys!

I think Nic’s use of the word “shit” three times as he tells the boyfriend a story about breaking somebody’s legs is supposed to make him sound more like a badass. Like the brown leather jacket didn’t already do the job!

“I would expect you to get shhhoohhoohooohhhootttt trying to protect her.” A line that only Nicolas Cage would deliver that way.

“Did they sound like goombas?” Oh, Nic. How can I side with your character if he's going to use derogatory terms like that? Unless he's referring to Mario Brothers. If that's the case, this movie's about to get awesome.

Awkward bro-hug there. It's not clear what criminal activity these fellows were involved in before, but that hug was almost criminal.

“How deep do you want us to go?”
“How deep is hell?” Oh, man! It's getting real now! Good thing he's got that leather jacket!

“A sweet little BL” at Oliver’s graffiti-decorated pad. I don’t know what that means. And I have no idea how they think this Oliver guy would know anything. [BL? What is that?]

I’m losing interest in the plot and wondering if the daughter got her Shakespeare paper done. I sure hope she did.

What? She’s dead?! Great, now Nic’s going to be required to show a different emotion. [See? Totally spoiled.]

And he does! He doesn’t quite pull it off, but it’s obviously an attempt at another emotion. I think it's a mix of cranky, melancholy, and gassy.

That scene where he’s crying about his dead daughter was about five minutes too long. And it only lasted two minutes. The music was awful and then somehow became even worse when a little girl was singing about roses and cheeks at her funeral.

“Thank you for the beautiful song.” I laughed at that line.

Peter Stormare! In a wheelchair!

I’m pretty sure the wife is behind this whole thing. I have nothing to support this, but this just seems like the type of movie where that would be the twist. [I could easily take this out of here to avoid being wrong, but I want to be a blogger you can trust, and a blogger you can trust wouldn't do that. I was totally wrong though. Turns out that the wife character didn't matter at all!]

Peter Stormare should know better than this. Why the hell is he doing an Irish accent? At least I think it's supposed to be an Irish accent. Anyway, it’s not working and this whole conversation is like an acting shitstorm.

Nic’s friend: “She’s a peach.” As we all learned from Face/Off, Nicolas Cage can eat a peach for hours.

Whew! She does get her paper turned in. I was kind of hoping the teacher would say, “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to dock her some points because this is late.” Think of the RAGE that would have caused!

Danny: A guy with brass knuckles. And one who isn’t afraid to just stand around with them.

Whoa! Nicolas Cage just punched somebody THROUGH a door.

Shaky action scene...I don’t think Nicolas Cage is playing cards right unless it’s a more-violent version of 52-Card Pick-Up.

“Danny, shit’s about to get radical.”

“My husband’s a killer” / choking foreplay. Hot or not? I can’t even tell anymore because my sex life is too vanilla.

Vory--I had to look that one up.

Strip-club...getting a little PG-13y, isn’t it?

Rusian Woody Harrelson with a neck tattoo. And now a skaky foot-chase where Nic’s showing his age. Well, it's his running combined with his droopy cheeks. But sadly, we've possibly reached a time where Nic Cage is too old to run in movies.

Whoever did the score for this movie should be beaten a little bit. Or punched through a door! RAGE!

Slip and slide! Yes, this makes no sense if you’re not watching the movie with me. [I watched the movie with me, and I'm not even completely sure what I'm talking about.]

RAGE on the roof! Nic with a few “huhs,” some punches, a worried “Don’t die! Don’t die!”, a great Nic Cage wailing, several shots into an already dead guy, a head kick. And then a shower scene! Bam! That's how you make a movie.

I wonder if Danny Glover played some Sound Ball before this scene.

Score’s become heavy on the bad electric guitar. As if any human being watching this movie can handle the intensity of that electric guitar combined with Nicolas Cage’s jowls and brown leather jacket.

“Don’t worry--you’ll be dead soon.” I just can’t buy Nicolas Cage as this sort of tough guy. He’s rolling around, shooting two guys at once, kicking people. But once you've seen him punching women while wearing a bear suit, it's hard to take this kind of thing seriously.

Glover: “A rap sheet as long as my dick.” Who wrote this? And did he just cut and paste lines from other scripts? [Sean Keller, who wrote a movie about the Kracken, and Jim Agnew.]

Is this guy Chernov? Talking about the old days and how there’s no more honor in this sort of business. I think I’m siding with the bad guys.

Uh oh. Trouble’s about to go down at the bar. This is probably going to ruin his daughter’s sweet sixteen party.

Ridiculous car chase scene with strained Nicolas Cage and enough jump cuts to make a 41 year old guy like me dizzy. I hate modern action movies.

Nic arrested--should be the end of the movie. But nope, because this clearly takes place in Illogical Land!

Chernov just gave Nic’s friend yellow water.

Sweet Taj Mahal tattoo, Chernov!

“While you were getting high and getting your dick wet, they got Kane.” Finally--there’s some kind of moral to this story. Bros before Hos, Danny.

 Poor Danny, feeling the wrath of Cage. But it gives him an excuse to scream, so I’m happy.

“You taaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllkkkkked!”
“Rat! Rat! Rat! Rat!”

Nicolas Cage movies are at their best when Nicolas Cage is showing RAGE.

Stormare again. I need a break. [Literally--I was exasperated at this point and decided to make a beverage do some push-ups.]

Tough talk, Stormare. But in a ridiculous voice.

Did four guys just shoot at a guy in a wheelchair and completely whiff? C’mon, movie!

Flashback to the dead daughter mourning scene and some other stuff. I hate when they force me to watch parts of a bad movie again.

Kids playing with guns--this is one dumbass twist. But their game of make-believe might be the best action sequence in this movie.

Oh, that's not what Nic Cage wanted to hear. His daughter actually died in slow motion?

Wife: “Are you ok? You sound so...um.” He sounds exactly the same as he has the entire movie no matter what emotion he’s attempting to show, lady!

Paco! Somebody named Paco directed this. Paco Cabezas. My Spanish isn’t great, but I’m fairly positive that means Paco head.

RAGE isn’t a very good title. “Untitled Nicolas Cage Movie” would be a better title.

Oh, wait. This movie’s still happening. Danny Glover ain’t done!

Costume designer: Critter Pierce. Why didn't I name my firstborn child Critter?

RAGE 2 idea: Nicolas Cage, Peter Stormare, and the friend who died emerge from the earth, pre-credits. They construct a wheelchair for Stormare made from human bone and decide to go after Chernov--zombie style--not because they’re mad for getting killed in RAGE 1 and want revenge because Nic is clearly ready to accept the consequences for his sins in that movie. No, they’re ticked because they discover that the daughter’s English teacher gave her a B on her Shakespeare paper. How does Chernov factor into that? Or the boyfriend? I can’t spill all the secrets and ruin the entire movie, can I?

RAGE 2: Ragin' Cagin' will be the Empire Strikes Back of the RAGE trilogy if I have a chance to write it.