Bad Movie Club: Road to Revenge

1993 action flick

Bad Movie Rating: 5/5 (Josh: 4/5; Fred: 5/5; Libby: 2/5; Kristen: did not finish)

Actual Movie Rating: 2/20

Plot: A disgraced ex-cop with a golden voice tries to stop a Satanic cult from doing really terrible things.

See that guy up there with the muscle shirt, the gun, and the mustache? The one with the tiny woman poised seductively on his shoulder? That guy's name is John De Hart. He's a man who can't write. He can't direct. He can't sing. He can't act. In Road to Revenge, he attempts to do all of those things and fails in the type of way that gives me a boner. And I know that you already need a break from this review after reading the word "boner," so here's a song you can listen to:

If you played that, you just heard a song that makes all other songs obsolete. If you didn't play that, you're making a giant mistake. John De Hart is the sort of delusional guy who I can really look up to, the type of guy who thinks he can do it all, can actually do nothing, and winds up making something that should be considered high art anyway. Ostensibly, this movie was made just so Mr. De Hart could touch naked women, something that doesn't make any sense because if I was John De Hart, I couldn't imagine having sex with anybody but myself. The acting is just so bad, De Hart trying his best to be a tough guy when he has absolutely no business being a tough guy. Of course, he doesn't stand out all that much because he's surrounded himself with an inept ensemble cast. The main villain's played by William Smith who growls all of his lines and apparently stole Burt Reynold's sunglasses. Smith seemed familiar, probably because he was modeling his villainy after somebody I've seen in a movie before, but I'm not sure which of his 273 film credits I would have seen him in. Definitely not Warriors of the Apocolypse [sic] in which he apparently plays the moon, but that's moving to the top of my list of movies I need to see. I can't recall another movie I've seen with a spelling error in the title like that. No, The Pursuit of Happyness doesn't count. Wings Hauser, a guy with a cool name, plays our hero's unhinged friend, so you should definitely check this out if you're a Wings Hauser completest. And you should be because the guy is awesome. If this isn't the worst performance of Wings Hauser's career, I want to immediately see everything else that the guy's done. Everybody in this movie is out-acted by an Indian mannequin that is in this movie, I'm guessing, because John De Hart had an Indian mannequin and thought it would be cool to have it in the movie. The mannequin does get multiple scenes, and I'd like to see a prequel or sequel to give him more of a back story. It takes a while for this movie's narrative to develop, and once it does, it doesn't really go anywhere. It does, however, have a twist at the end that's capable of making everything else that happened in the movie seem like genius. This movie's got the De Hart score that, if you loved that "Shimmy Slide" masterpiece up there, will be right up your alley; action sequences that make everybody seem about twice as old as they probably are; sex scenes that should actually be shown to children so that they'll be completely disgusted by the thought of intercourse and decide to be celibate; and some of the best one-liners you'll likely ever hear. And I'll borrow one to end this glowing review of my new favorite movie, Road to Revenge:

"Adiosi, Bela Lugosi."