Don Juan (Or If Don Juan Were a Woman)

1973 drama

Rating: 10/20

Plot: Jeanne invites a priest to the submarine she lives in and tells him stories of three men she seduced in order to destroy them.

Brigitte Bardot lives in a submarine. Sort of--it's referred to as a "submarine" at one point. She seduces men and "kills" one of them. She disrobes. She engages in a lesbian tryst with Jane Birkin. It's from the mind of Roger Vadim, the director of Barbarella.

And it's boring?

Yes, it's boring. Really boring. This is one of those movies that's less than 90 minutes but feels like it's around three hours long. I watched this only because Brigitte Bardot was in it and probably more specifically because she plays a character who lives in a submarine and seduces men in order to destroy them. I have no idea what Vadim's trying to say with any of this. This would be the penultimate film for Bardot, one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, and she seems old, bored, and tired. A script like this could do that to anybody, I guess. You almost get the sense that Vadim wanted a chance to film Bardot naked before she was completely out of her prime, came up with this really dumb title, and then quickly wrote a screenplay to make it happen. There aren't really sex scenes, and the nude scenes are tastefully done--this is, after all, and artsy-fartsy affair--but it all still manages to feel sleazy. It's got an early-70's cloud over it which doesn't help. This movie has a little style--though nothing as exciting as Barbarella--and there are a few interesting editing tricks. But when you don't really understand the main character's motivations for any of this or care about any of the characters, none of that really matters. And here's Vadim's biggest sin. You've got Bardot in a role where she's supposed to be completely irresistible, the kind of woman who inspires men to sacrifice everything just to spend some time with, but it's never all that convincing. And it's freakin' Brigitte Bardot!

Speaking of Vadim, here's a picture of the director:

He was married five times. He was married to Bardot for five years. He married Jane Fonda. And he had a child with Catherine Deneuve. No wonder he seems so happy in that picture.

Back to this movie. No, never mind. I don't have anything else to say about this movie.