1983 martial arts shenanigans
Rating: 13/20
Plot: Everything you need to know is on that poster up there.
That's just lazy blogging right there. It made you look at that hideous poster again though, didn't it? It probably made you look at it for longer than you would have looked at it. There were other posters I could have used, but when you've got the opportunity to use one of the worst movie posters you've ever seen, you take it. But it really doesn't tell you anything about the plot of the movie, who any of those characters are, or whether a cricket paddle is even allowed to look like that. I'm not sure I'm the person to tell you all about the plot of the movie though.
Do you prefer kung-fu movies that are plausible and sensible? Well, this Shaw Brothers production probably isn't for you. I really like this early-80's stuff, the point in kung-fu movie history where it seemed they all got bored with the genre and decided just to throw everything at the audience to see what sticks. With Shaw productions, you can expect certain things--loads of garish colors, far too much imagination, artificial sets. Holy Flame of the Martial World has loads of garish colors, far too much imagination, and artificial sets. It's also got something called "deadly echoes," this ghostly laughter that is used as a weapon by a kung-fu master full of jelly; flying swords and then more flying swords; a quartet of ghosts, I think, with colorful arms; pink and blue cartoon cave ghosts straight out of Scooby Doo, impenetrable waterfalls; caves with neon light floors that would make John Travolta start to tremble; Chinese characters flying around and attacking a guy in a cave; guys who attack with cymbals and make a great funny-sounding noise as they walk up walls; reanimated Frankenstein-esque corpses (more like Carradine's Frankenstein in Death Race though); a snake boy who I actually thought was a woman, the character responsible for something called "snake bladder blood finger power" which, to me, just seemed like a red finger; lots and lots of cheap-looking skeletons. The kung-fu itself ain't bad, but you have to have an appreciation for that brand of martial arts action where characters are flying around. You can even see a wire or two in there if you're looking closely enough, and the thing is, it doesn't even really distract from what's going on. There's no way you can watch this without thinking of wires anyway, so actually spotting them doesn't matter. The fight scenes are about as frenetic as kung-fu fight scenes can get, characters moving as fast as artificial lightning. It's all freakin' nutsy, but there isn't a single moment in this thing that isn't pure entertainment. You might not understand what the hell is happening--a brother/sister thing, people fighting over goofy-looking swords that any self-respecting 10-year-old would refuse to play with when play-fighting in his yard with the neighbor kids, some of your traditional but nonetheless confusing good vs. evil stuff--but you'll enjoy it. The film bursts with creativity, the sort of thing it's almost impossible not to have fun with.
Favorite line (probably out of context): "We'll take your balls from you."
I also liked an "energy fusing scene" that I at first thought was the most awkward sex scene of all time until it was revealed that the characters were actually sitting in giant golden cauldrons. This movie's also got one of the weirder training sequences you'll ever see, and I think a lot of it must have involved characters on a Sit 'n' Spin. Add a great death scene with a Shaolin monk who says, "It. . .went. . .right. . .through me!" after being killed by, naturally, a ribbon. My favorite line, however, is "We'll take your balls from you" which, because I'm a child, made me laugh. Oh, and how can you not like a movie that ends with characters saying "Good bye" while flying off on giant swords.
I need to take Kung-Fu Saturday more seriously. I love these movies but for whatever reason don't watch them much.
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