Fast Five

2011 sequel

Rating: 14/20

Plot: After busting Dominic out of prison before he's even in prison, he and Paul Walker and Dominic's sister whom Paul Walker is sleeping retreat to Rio de Janeiro. They're fugitives with no way out until they find themselves millions of dollars ready to be stolen.

One of the characters--one of the black ones, I think--says, "This sounds crazy," while the team of criminals are discussing their plans. "This sounds crazy" is the kind of thing that had to have been said at least a hundred times by the writers as they sat around and made this screenplay. But from the looks of things, it was probably followed with, "Who cares? Let's do it anyway!" more often than not. My friend Rubber Duck tried to tell me about the climax of this movie, a ludicrous action sequence involving a 10-ton safe, but he couldn't adequately prepare me for the amount of stupid that I would witness. And when I say stupid, I mean stupid fresh. Throw all logic out the window with this installment of this franchise. Characters won't really behave in ways that make much sense. Cars will do things that cars aren't supposed to do. People will survive things that no human being--not even ones with the physique of a Vin Diesel or a Dwayne Johnson--should survive. And, in what is probably the biggest bitch slap to your logic, the characters spend a large chunk of time planning and preparing and practicing for this heist before something happens that causes them to move to Plan B which consists of driving a large vehicle through a wall. It's ludicrous, but it's at least ludicrous action done right. Like the fourth movie, this starts with some zippy car choreography and a giant part-CGI crash scene, but it's a mere tease of what you're getting later. The prison break doesn't seem all that well thought out, by the way. It seems like Vin Diesel would have been killed in the first five minutes of this movie. But what do I know? I don't make movies and haven't played with Hot Wheels in years.

I should stop here and remind everybody that this is just a movie with professional stunt drivers and professional special effects people and that you should under no circumstances try any of this at home. The credits for the fourth movie actually say something like that. Like, anybody's going to grab his '96 Tercel and race through busy streets while pursing his lips and flexing his triceps after turning to your competitors and saying, with that cool guy nod that looks much better if you're bald, things like, "Hey, ya ready to do dis, brah?" I should probably advise you similarly. I know that I probably make blogging look safe and easy, but please keep in mind that I am a professional. Don't try to watch this many movies and write about them at home. You'll get carpal tunnel syndrome and your wife and children will resent you.

Oh, and I was so pleased to see Jay Jackson--Perd Hapley from Parks and Recreation--reporting on the prison bus crash. I was thrown off a little when he was just a legitimate news talking head here instead of that guy on the sitcom who made me laugh almost every single time, but it was still good to see him.

This installment disposes with the whole is-Paul-Walker-a-criminal-or-not goofiness and focuses on a simpler crime story that apparently allowed them to put the emphasis on the action scenes. Sure, there's a pregnancy, a touching conversation about fathers that shows the complete lack of range our two stars have, dead girlfriend moping, and some other moments where cliche oozes in, but for most of the 2+ hours here, you just get to watch cars being driven outrageously, high-flying chase acrobatics on Rio de Janeiro rooftops, shoot-outs, explosions, and fisticuffs. Dwayne Johnson is not a good actor at all. He weirdly delivers these strained tough guy lines ("You know I like my desserts first.") and seems at times like a character who's even too much even for a movie like this. But the guy's got presence, and he's definitely a welcome addition to the franchise. The first meeting between Diesel and The Rock (the latter busting out of a window while the former turns his head and notices--like really notices--him) is thrilling, and then you're just anticipating a giant meat-head brawl that you know has to happen. And when it does, you're not disappointed. The editing during that fistfight is the kind of quick thing that might give you a headache, but these are guys who were born to punch other guys on the screen. I was actually a little sore after watching that fight scene. That chase-and-shootout scene on the rooftops didn't make a lot of sense, and it's almost insane how impossible it is to machine-gun shoot any character with a name. But it's frenetic and fun stuff. The two biggest action sequences that bookend this are also both an explosion of stupid fun. You won't believe that the characters survived a train heist unscathed, and that scene with the safe, which I've already mentioned, is something you just don't want to think about because thinking ruins a movie like this. The people making these things aren't taking much of it all that seriously, so why should we?