Gettysburg

1993 war movie

Rating: 13/20

Plot: The Powers That Be decide that a Civil War is a bad idea for any country, especially one that should want to start stockpiling nuclear weapons in a historical pissing contest with the Soviet Union. Somebody comes up with a plan to save lives and end the war--a Beard Off! The Union and Confederacy gather their most dazzling examples of facial hair and get ready to square off in what I believe is Pennsylvania. I never really had a decent history class. Unfortunately, men with bitchin' beards and mustaches do what men with bitchin' beards and mustaches do--start shooting at each other.

This movie is really boring, and honestly, if it wasn't for the facial hair, I don't think it would be worth watching. Full disclosure: I'm not really a fan of history movies. And hold on--while we're fully disclosing, I should probably let you know that I didn't even watch all of this movie but chose to write about it anyway. This was something we showed the kids at school because our testing schedule gave one class way too much free time. They were bored out of their minds and kept asking where Vin Diesel was. I kept saying, "He isn't in this movie! Shut your traps!" Then, we sat and watched a bunch of guys with kickass staches and beards deliver soliloquy after soliloquy, position themselves like they were in some sort of chess game that was more boring than actual chess games, and every once in a while shoot at something. There was always the promise of a big battle scene, but once all the killing started, it was exactly what you'd expect from a battle scene that took place 150 years ago before there were tanks and machine guns. Or lasers. Or Tauntauns. That's what Gettysburg needed! Sam Elliott on a Tauntaun! The human part of me kept wanting to apologize to my students for having to watch this, but then the cynical part of me chimed in with, "These little fools deserve this! Let them suffer through a movie about Gettysburg that seems longer than the battle of Gettysburg!" It was kind of cool that this was all filmed on the actual battlefield, making this one of the worst things that's ever happened there if not the very worst.

All 13 points I gave this movie are for the facial hair.