Movies A-Go-Go: Thor: The Dark World

2013 sequel

Rating: 9/20 (Dylan: 2/20)

Plot: Dark Elves attempt to collect Natalie Portman's menstrual fluid after Thor drags her to Ass Guard. Thor has to stop them before they blow everything up!

I watched this because of that Planet of the Apes sequel. Pleasantly surprised by that sequel to a movie that I really didn't like, I thought maybe this could be a similar situation. It's not. Here were my thoughts while I watched Thor: The Dark World with Dylan:

Boy, it didn’t take me very long at all to hate this. Fake people with fake ears in a fake world with fake fire and fake smoke. And I have no idea what the hell they’re talking about.

Oh, shit! They just unleashed aether! I think that’s bad at least. It's hard to tell because I have no idea what's going on.

Dark elves? This is about as gross as a Hobbit movie.

How to get rid of aether--bury it deep where nobody will find it. That was my plan the first time I masturbated into a sock, and it didn’t work because a dog found it.

Thor’s dad has one nice throne. No wonder Loki wants it. You feel he’s overcompensating for something with that monstrosity though.

Oh, good. More fighting. It's about time. It's been about 2 minutes since the last fighting!

Thor jumps, smacks his hammer into the ground, and knocks down everybody around him except for the people on his side. How’s that work?

Man, this is some serious LARPing here.

Rock man looked ridiculous and just wasted everybody’s time. Was there a Rock Man action figure who broke apart when you hit him with a hammer?

Dylan: “This seems like a bad 80’s fantasy movie.”

Thank God! A shirtless scene. It’s the only logical follow-up to busting up a Rock Man.

You can tell these actors and actresses are true professionals because they don’t giggle every time they say Ass Guard.

Natalie Portman’s new boyfriend is getting all Hugh Grant-y. And he doesn’t even have a hammer.

“I’m going to stay here and say ‘sea bass’ alone” is my new favorite masturbation euphemism.

Honestly, you’re not experiencing Stonehenge the right way unless you are naked and assaulting people with scientific equipment.

Me: “What are they looking for?”

Dylan: “Something science-y, I suppose.”

(Bus starts spinning around in the air.)

Me: “That’s not science-y.”

Dylan: “Every time they show the screen of that little thing [that Natalie Portman’s getting “readings” on], I have no idea what’s going on.”

Good job hiding the aether, morons.

Are these pointy-headed dudes talking in Jabba the Hutt’s language?

Now Natalie Portman’s in the aether? Wait a second--is this like that masturbation scene in Black Swan? I've having a similar reaction.

Sounds like Thor has a cold through most of this. And the pillagers were pillaging, Thor? What else would they be doing?

I don’t have a clue what is going on, but I think Thor just became a Tardis.

Dylan: “Oh good, there’s a black dark elf.”

“She will not survive the surge of energy within her,” says random Ass Guard woman. And then I swear she looked at Thor’s crotch.

Loki and Mom in the dungeon...ends with what has to be the worst high five in cinematic history.

Scene where Thor explains the “conversion” and then kisses Portman is the most awkward romantic moment for Portman since her time being compared to sand on Naboo.

Man, that guy in the dungeon has some terrible gas. This is the most nonsensical prison escape scene I’ve ever seen.

Thor just jumped off a balcony and caught his hammer and flew away and the special effects were embarrassing.

Great one-liner in the prison fight scene. I guess we needed it because we hadn't covered all the blockbuster movie cliches yet.

Man, the black guy just took down a spaceship with knives! Dylan: “That’s impressive.”

Isn’t that the Rainbow Road track from Mario Kart?

These Dark Elves certainly have better weapons than Odin’s people. That’s almost embarrassing.

Shot of Odin’s wife feet rising from the ground as the bad guy’s got her by the throat--this movie’s either showing us cliches or something completely stupid. There’s no middle ground here.

I want to be set on fire and sent down a waterfall in a cloud of glitter when I die, too. But I’m going to need a different score because this one is making me sick to my stomach.

Poor Loki--his last memory of his mother involves a failed attempt at a high five.

I can’t take Skarsgard seriously anymore after Nymphomaniac.

There’s no way Anthony Hopkins didn’t feel completely stupid when he was doing this role.

Whoa! Loki’s looking a little like Tommy Wiseau there. I wonder how many belts he’s wearing.

"Oh hai, Thor."

These sound effects are oppressive. Swung axes and swords don’t sound like that.

Thor just lost a hand? What’s he think this is--a Star Wars movie?

“See you in hell, Monster.” Did I hear that right? And I need Cliff’s Notes to explain the last 20 minutes of this movie.

Cue: anguished scream.

Cell phone. Really? She’s not getting any reception in that cave on Death Planet. There’s no way.

For a moment, imagine Liam Neeson and Stellan Skarsgard having a conversation.

Oh, a Marvel superhero movie is ending with a big fight scene? Huge surprise. The difference is that this one doesn’t make any sense at all.

These Dark Elf henchmen really do look like rejects from a Dr. Who episode.

Seriously, look at these fuckers. 

I don’t think I’ve ever been this confused with a superhero movie. I don’t know what the bad guy is trying to do exactly. I don’t know what the good guys are trying to do to stop him.

Oh, shit. There’s going to be another one of these movies. I think I’m going to have to be out. I can't do another Thor movie.

How did Stan Lee play himself in this? Wasn’t he a crazy old guy?

I like Chris Hemsworth as Thor, but the dry screenplay doesn't do him any favors.