Bad Movie Club: Jurassic Shark

2012 horror movie

Bad Movie Rating: 3/5 (Josh: 4/5; Fred: 2/5; Tami: no rating; Libby: no rating; Kristen: 2/5; Jeremy: no rating, but called it an "awful experience")

Rating: 2/20

Plot: Killer prehistoric shark in a lake eats people, including art thieves.

Here's everything you need to know about Jurassic Shark:

1) The shark is indeed in a lake, and it doesn't even appear to be a large lake.

2) The shark doesn't look "Jurassic" at all. It just looks like a regular shark. Well, actually it looks like a CGI shark. You can't blame the CGI for the movie ending up terrible though. It's seamless.

3) This had the distinction of being the lowest-rated movie on imdb.com when we watched it. Right now, it's number 2 (a big number 2) because it's been replaced by something called Kartoffelsalat. I'm sure they're both right around the same level of "offel" though.

4) This movie is 75 minutes long, and I'm pretty sure 40 minutes of that involved walking through the woods.

5) It took two people, according to the credits, to cast this movie. My guess--one casting director didn't have enough friends to put in the movie, so they had to get a friend-of-a-friend to find some more friends to put in there.

6) The movie also had three sound recordists which probably explains why it sounded so good.

7) Dynamite is used, hilariously. The explosions look great, at least as good as the CGI blood splattering on the camera, but where there's dynamite, there has to be a lighter. And I believe half of the budget was spent on one lighter. I have no idea what the other half of the budget was spent on.

8) The movie ends with "Fin" because. . .well, I don't know why it would do that.

9) Brett Kelly directed this, and we Bad Movie Clubbers had seen his work before in the awful Thunderstorm: The Return of Thor. I wonder where this guy gets his ideas!

10) There's an action sequence in this where the shark leaps from the lake over two characters (in slow motion, of course), sails over a pair of characters, chomps a woman from the knees up and leaves only her boots on the shore, and somehow winds up back in the lake. I've actually lost sleep trying to figure out the physics of this one. Josh said the attack was "Free Willy style," if that helps you imagine it.

11) Vin Diesel might be in this movie.

12) There's an extra ending scene featuring some beer guzzlers sitting in lawn chairs on a giant rock. Yes, it does set up a sequel, probably something called Son of Jurassic Shark, and the way they introduce the idea manages to be juvenile, pervy, and idiotic simultaneously.

13) Cleverly, they added a reference to a painting by John Singleton Copley. This one:

Get it? Brett Kelly might be a genius.

14) Nobody ever stays wet in this movie.

15) The best performance (and by that, I mean the worst performance) is by Angela Parent as the leader of the band of art thieves. She's over-the-top in all the right ways and has an unexplainable accent. I think it might be a Canadian accent.

16) There's nothing else you need to know about Jurassic Shark.