Cory's Birthday Celebration: Godzilla vs. Megalon

1973 monster madness

Rating: 10/20

Plot: The submerged kingdom of Seatopia's inhabitants are tired of having nuclear bombs destroy their country and decide to send their monster to teach us a lesson. The plot also somehow involves a colorful robot. Can Godzilla arrive from his extended vacation on Monster Island quickly enough to save the day or is humanity doomed?

Hey, it's Cory's birthday! He's of an advanced age, the kind of number people reach where they don't even want to think about birthdays. If it wasn't for this--the cheapest gift imaginable--the poor guy would have nothing to look forward to. This year, I watched Godzilla vs. Megalon, very likely another Godzilla movie the guy doesn't even like. And like last year, we're doing this Movies-a-Go-Go style.

Don't be fooled by that poster, by the way. Godzilla and Megalon are never atop the World Trade Center buildings. In fact, they are never even out of Japan unless you count Monster Island and Seatopia. They definitely only fight in Japan though.

Anyway, let's get to it. Happy birthday, Cory!

As this is beginning, I want to make a couple things clear. First, I’m fully aware that this is not going to be an example of a “good” Godzilla movie. I’m sort of hoping it works as a good-bad movie though.

Second, I had the option to go dubbed or subtitled and went with the former because of the whole Movies-A-Go-Go thing. I can’t be reading, watching a movie, and typing at the same time, right?

So far, the dubbed narrator voice is making me think I made the right decision because he sounds like he came straight over to do this after finishing up with his Ed Wood film.

I know the narrator explained that there was a nuclear war, but it just kind of looks like somebody on Monster Island has terrible gas.

I’m kind of digging this song playing over the opening credits.

Oh, holy crap! This scene with a kid riding some sort of colorful dolphin thing is the most perverse thing I’ve ever seen.

Sadly, the dolphin toy was the first casualty.

So far, I’m impressed with the effects--the burbling lake, the opening crevice, the guys pretending the ground is shaking while people throw rocks at them. Good stuff.

These guys have a sweet dune buggy.

The dubbed voice for the kid makes me regret my decision to go with the dubbed version. He sounds like a cartoon mouse on crappy heroin.

“It would be funny if the earthquakes destroyed your robot.” Geez, with friends like these. . .

I may have misheard, but I think the kid’s name is Rocksalt.

Well, the earthquake didn’t destroy his robot, but the pair of fancy pants burglars apparently painted it funny colors.

This car chase wasn’t working for me until they added this music the flute.

The button they left behind is the same color as the sand they found? The mystery deepens! [Note: It may have been more to do with me than any flaws in this movie, but I never figured out what was going on with the sand and button. Or really anything the bad guys were doing.]

Welding montage!

Cool, the kid’s got himself a crotch rocket.

I hope we don’t find out later that this guy made this silly grinning robot for sexual purposes.

Hi there! 

Jet Jaguar, sexiest robot in East Asia.

Those two are going to regret kidnapping this kid once he starts talking.

Seatopia looks like a fun place. Like a psychedelic toga party where the women all wear shower curtains, panties, and silver curved hats. My kind of place!

I don’t recall learning about Seatopia in any geography class.

Seatopia leader was obviously picked because of his sweet sideburns.

As he wakes up Megalon, I wonder if that thing he’s wearing on his head is a snooze button.

Megalon seems sparky enough.

Geez Louise, is it always this destructive when Megalon wakes up? One-third of their city’s been destroyed by nuclear wars. I think Megalon rolling out of bed just destroyed another one-third.

It’s a good thing they didn’t make Megalon goofy looking because it could have ruined the entire movie.

“Work on this rope, kid. See if it will disintegrate at the sound of your voice!”

Jet Jaguar’s flying music makes me wish I could do something spectacular and have music accompanying it.

The guy dubbing one of the truck drivers sounds like the same voice as Ringo in Yellow Submarine.

Wait a second. The people of Seatopia not only made their own oxygen supply but also made their own sun? How’s that work underwater?

Fun art on the walls of this “laboratory”--something that looks like a tiger with the words “hungry tiger” painted beneath it.

Another car chase already? I think this must have more car chase sequences than any other Godzilla movie. So far, there are more car chase scenes than scenes with Godzilla.

And now the cars are driving down stairs.

The car chase ending with that cartoony sadly descending trumpet sound makes me happy.

Quite the risque poster in this guy’s truck. This isn’t a children’s movie? I'm giving the movie a bonus point.

Do you think Japan from 1950-whenever until the present day has had to budget for monster attacks? I thought they had one of the smallest military budgets in the world actually.

[Well, I was off on that, but with this information, you'd think the U.S. had a greater number of giant monster attacks than anybody else in the world.]

I’m not even sure the dummy that was thrown out of the truck and rolled down the hill was wearing the same clothes as the guy it was supposed to represent.

What the hell? The guy, in an effort to save his friends, dropped the metal box they were contained in from the bed of the truck, and Megalon volleyballed it about a quarter mile away? And they survive that?

“Isn’t that Jet Jaguar there?” No, it’s another silver, red, yellow, and blue robot.

I’m having a tough time figuring out how Megalon is so dangerous. I mean, he’s big, but he doesn’t even have hands. He’s got the top of the Chrysler building for hands. What can those do?

Oh, there we go. He can shoot laser stuff out of the top of his head.

45 minutes into this, and we’ve only seen Godzilla once, briefly. On Fart Island.

Ok, forget that I just complained about the lack of Godzilla. Watching Megalon hop after Jet Jaguar is worth the price of admission. Which in this case was nothing.

The leader of Seatopia also has a back hair issue. When you can see the back hair from the front, it’s an issue.

This might be Godzilla’s goofiest foe. It’s at least the goofiest I’ve seen in my years of celebrating Cory’s birthday.

The characters just went into a hobby shop where I assume a lot of the props for the movie were purchased.

It’s a good thing Jet Jaguar and Godzilla speak the same language.

I’m a little confused about what the bad guys were using Jet Jaguar for. Megalon was hopping after him, but he didn’t actually destroy anything until after the good guys got control of their robot again. What was the plan there, bad guys?

From the radio control plane hitting the bad guy in the forehead to the kid swinging on the weird cube art, that’s not a fight scene a lot of people are going to be proud of.

Gigan’s explosive entrance was cool even if it didn’t make any sense. An explosion, the same explosion shown in reverse, the explosion again, reverse again, explosion, reverse, explosion, reverse, GIGAN!

The guy built artificial intelligence into Jet Jaguar? That seems like a terrible idea. The first time somebody makes fun of his ridiculous color or silly grin, he’s going to go on a killing spree.

Megalon just clapped.

Oh, Jet Jaguar can increase in size. That does make a lot of sense.

I can’t tell if this Jet Jaguar and Megalon scene is a fight scene or foreplay. Is it wrong that I'm kind of hoping for the latter?

Jet Jaguar just fell for the “Watch Me While I Fly in a Circle Around You and Make You Dizzy” trick. Rookie mistake.

“He just programmed himself in some way to increase his own size.” I’m glad they explained that in a way that would make scientific sense.

Megalon’s hands are apparently drills. I’m still not sure that’s all that intimidating.

My favorite thing about these movies is when the monsters talk to each other.

I believe Megalon just laughed. Yes, he did it again. Megalon’s got drills for hands, the ability to shoot yellow lasers out of his head and some kind of red grenade out of his mouth, and a hearty chuckle.

Poor Jet Jaguar. He’s totally getting his yellow and silver ass handed to him now.

What the hell is with Godzilla’s entrance music?

Now I’m hearing a Jew’s harp. They figured out a way to make Godzilla’s entrance even more aurally painful.

Why use a theremin when you can get your hands on a Jew's harp? 

Whoa! Gigan just sliced Godzilla pretty good. That was quite the blood spurt!

Great celebratory move by Godzilla, but this isn’t over because there’s still 12 minutes left.

I’m going to take back what I said earlier. My favorite thing about these movies isn’t when the monsters communicate with each other. It’s when they celebrate. After a series of explosions, the Megalon/Gigan celebration might be the gayest thing I’ve ever seen. And that’s not homophobic because I’m meaning it as a positive.

How’s Jet Jaguar going to get out of this ring of fire? It’s not like he can fly or anything.

Ouch! I think Jet Jaguar just broke Gigan’s arm.

Well, this sliding-on-the-tail-and-kicking-the-opponent thing should have been Godzilla’s finishing move from the beginning. That’s great!

Take that Seatopia! You’re just going to have to put up with our nuclear weapons for a little while longer, you perverts!

Isn’t Seatopia where Sea Monkeys are from?

I have a feeling Godzilla and Jet Jaguar are about to make love. If not, the makers of this have made a terrible mistake.

For a movie called Godzilla vs. Megalon, this sure seems to be giving Jet Jaguar a ton of credit. He even had a little song about him at the end.

Overall, that was one of the goofier Godzilla movies I’ve seen. The bad guys were more unusual looking than menacing, and the robot didn’t really add much of anything. It seems like this entry was geared more toward children and is very definitely a product of the 1970s. It's definitely not a waste of time though, especially if you find enjoyment in movies that aren't very good.