2014 Christian propaganda
Bad Movie Rating: 3/5 (Josh: 3/5; Johnny: 3/5)
Rating: 4/20
Plot: Kirk Cameron's brother-in-law hates the commercialism of Christmas, so Kirk tells him how Santa Claus and Christmas trees actually have something to do with Jesus, saving Christmas and simultaneously ruining dancing.
When a movie is this freakin' magical, I have trouble organizing my thoughts. So here's a list of them:
1. Man, these Christians sure love their hot chocolate. Here's a drinking game for you. Every time a character in this mentions hot chocolate, take a shot. You'll be dead before Christmas is saved.
2. Darren Doane wrote and directed this and also plays Kirk Cameron's brother-in-law. He does them all poorly.
3. Kirk Cameron can't control his hands. They're out of control, and I think it probably has something to do with the Holy Spirit.
4. This opens with a lengthy monologue where Kirk Cameron is sitting in front of a fire and drinking--naturally--hot chocolate. There was a moment when I thought the entire movie was going to be Cameron in a chair talking about what he loves about Christmas.
5. But no, the majority of the movie takes place in the brother-in-law's car. It's kind of like My Dinner with Andre except with interposed reenactments of St. Nicholas beating the shit out of people and a rock with a towel on it. Oh, and a visit to a Christmas tree lot. I won't tell you what any of those really symbolize because I don't want to spoil the huge leaps of logic for you.
6. I'll say this: St. Nicholas was "bad. . .in a good way." He's played by Ben Kientz who I assume is a semi-pro wrestler. I'm guessing he's bit a lot of people. During his big scene, the score shifts from Christmas ska to very aggressive techno music. It's amazing.
7. There's a lengthy dance sequence near the end of this movie. And by "lengthy," I mean "so long that you start to wonder if you should just kill yourself so that you won't have to see any more of it" lengthy. But I'll say this--for the rest of my years, the holiday season won't truly arrive until I've seen Kirk Cameron do the worm.
That black kid in the background just got his Christmas wish.
8. That opening scene where Kirk Cameron is talking about hot chocolate? There's clearly nothing in his mug. When your budget limitations force your star to mime the drinking of hot chocolate, your movie is in trouble.
9. There's a character played by somebody named Raphi Henly, and that's not a name. Henly plays a conspiracy theorist who gets a scene where he talks to one of the black characters inexplicably at this Christmas party in a scene that does not fit in with the rest of the movie at all. It's a lengthy, largely-incoherent monologue that I'd love to mash-up with Linus's big moment in the Charlie Brown Christmas special.
10. Kirk Cameron plays a character who moves his hands around a lot and a very creepy Santa Claus.
11. Slow-motion is used liberally in this, and I'm pretty sure the New Testament says you're not supposed to do that. I think it was something Paul wrote. It's used with some of the dancing, but it's also used for Doane's triumphant return from his car after Kirk Cameron has saved Christmas. He dives into his house and slides on his belly until he's looking at the presents under the tree. And then he just lies there while Kirk Cameron's voiceover explains how the presents kind of look like a city skyline. None of it has to make sense to anybody at the party or his wife, but of course, the movie doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense either.
12. Why, yes. There are bloopers during the credits. And if you stay to the very end (of the movie--not of time), then you'll be treated to some freestyle rap by Raphi Henly. M.C. Raphi.
13. Thou shalt not steal.
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