2016 Year in Review--Part Three

Favorite Movie Quotes of the Year

I apologize for the bad language in a lot of these, but I didn't write them. Blame Hollywood! 

“Salaim alaikan, asshole.”

“The vagina goddess has blessed us with a visit.”

“That’s a lot of cheese sandwiches to eat in one sitting. Forty-one?”

“You brought your bitch to the Waffle Hut?”

“We must have waffles forthwith!”

“The mysteries of life are amazing. Even a corpse can get wet.”

“Beware of mediocrity. It is the fungus of the mind.”

“He’s gone dipsy doodle, yo.”

“Dance to your grave, you dirty whore!”

“Life and death are ironically ironic.”

“If you were going to eat a sandwich, you’d enjoy it more if you knew nobody had fucked it.”

“Squint against the grandeur!”

“Vicious whore bit me right smack in the middle of the nut sack. That ever happen to you?”

“Who’s got my fucking strawberry tart?”

“Buenos nachos, white boy.”

“JFK shot first!”

“Where are you? Where am I? You’re me.”

“Your lips would make a lollipop too happy.”

“Because I’m making pancakes!”

“I’m making a chicken pot pie.”

“How do I know all this [about how to take a bath]? People have told me--that’s how!”

“Mother’s flapjacks have never been so frightening!”

“I’m here to tell you that each and every time you spoon a bowl of Lucky Charms, you might as well be partaking of Lucifer’s sacrament.”

“We dwarfs and fools shouldn’t dance on concrete that was poured for giants.”

“Welcome to the desert of the real.”

“Speak your complaints into a man’s penis, not into thin air.”

“It’s impossible, but I’ll do it.”

“You must have had a snoot full.”

“It’ll make us all look like a bunch of dicks.”

“Helen Keller? What did she do? She just bit the shit out of people.”

“I can fuck you like a musketeer on crack.”

“Just what the world needs--a schizophrenic toaster.”

“You had a circle jerk with a bunch of little people? I would have loved to see that.” (If I had to pick a winner. . .)

“Wouldst thou like the taste of butter?”

“You never know when you’re going to need a three-quarter scale Jesus.”

“There’s blood and biscuits everywhere.”

“Just as plain as an ass on a goat.”

“Keep a good head and always carry a light bulb.”

“It’s an elephant bukkake party!”

“Your mother is a fragging aardvark!”

“It’s so stimulating being your hat.”

“I might just have to put an end to you on general principles.”

“Give me a bag of that f’n’ pig feed and ten pounds of that bitchly cow corn.”

“Only two kinda guys wear earrings: pirates and faggots. And I don’t see a ship in the driveway!”

“People come and go, but the cucumbers must stay.”

“Let me do the crackin’ and you do the jackin’.”

“It’s just a penis.”

“You’re no Ralph Macchio.”

Best Scene Involving Intestines

There’s disembowelment, as you’d probably expect, in Deathgasm, Cooties, and Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse. I figured that watching the character Amanda rooting through some intestines in Saw had a good chance of winning, mostly because I found the whole thing kind of hot. I guess you can add that to the list of things that might annoy my wife if she read this blog.

Instead, a scene featuring an intestine extraction machine in the fun Turbo Kid wins, probably because of the deadpan humor in the line “Do you know how long it took to set this up?”

[I was unable to locate a picture of this. I have reason to believe I made the whole thing up.]

Best Movie Art

I really liked a picture of the hero in The Stabilizer. Eat your heart out, Stallone!

And a ridiculous mural in Big Eyes, which was actually a movie about art.

However, this portrait from The Gong Show Movie wins based solely on how many times I’ve masturbated to it this year. And yes, also add this to the list of things that might annoy my wife. Or worry her.

Most Barrels in a Movie

The Stabilizer

Best Final Shot

A breastfeeding sequence in the otherwise dreadful Visitor Q, The Swimmer’s portrait of a completely shattered human being, a touching picture of friendship in Tangerine, the almost perfect final shot of L’Avventura, the last wave in The Last Wave, the floating witch orgy in The Witch, what might be the bleakest finale in history with Tarr’s The Turin Horse, the snow globe revelation at the end of Cemetery Man.

We’ll go with the end of The Turin Horse because I want that movie to win awards.

Not the final shot. I wouldn't want to spoil the ending for you. 

Best Extended Shot

The Turin Horse. See?

Best Post-Apocalyptic Vision in Film

The Turin Horse. This is too easy.

Best Performance by an Animal

Why yes, The Turin Horse has a horse in this race, too. Literally, a horse--Ricsi.

The Tin Drum has a great scene with a horse head being used to catch fish, but I’m not sure that’s a performance.

Talking roadkill, Mr. Whiskers, or Bosco in The Voices

Mr. Pickles in The Ladykillers

Another talking dog in T.S. Spivet

The terrific fish acting in The Pornographers

That talking bird who says repeatedly that birds can’t talk in Mazes and Monsters

The Sandlot’s goofy giant dog

There’s a killing of a dog in Look Who’s Back, but that’s probably more appropriate for the bad special effects category

Satan the cat, who ate all our hearts out in Maniac

Umberto D’s dog

The titular animal in Wiener-Dog

And Tentacles, who already won for “Most Annoying Character,” is eligible to win this, too. That Titanic movie also had sharks, dolphins, and mice.

The winner is Ricsi from The Turin Horse. It’s the most remarkable performance by a horse that I’ve ever seen.

The Lew Zealand, Best Puppet in a Movie

Why Stop Now’s Nicole had a sock puppet that out-acted Jesse Eisenberg.

There were cat puppets in Scouts Guide to the Apocalypse, a movie I feel like I’m mentioning too much considering how much I disliked it.

The Warrior and the Sorceress had a lizard thing that I liked a lot.

Pinhead, Leech Woman, Blade, and Tunneler were all great in Puppet Master.

The winner is the cat puppet (feet only) from The Future, but only because that voice drove my wife nuts. That's always a bonus.

Hold on. Is Gary Oldman considered a puppet here? 

Best Voice Work

Miranda July as Paw Paw, the voice that annoyed my wife so much.

Numerous voices in Foodfight!, but especially Stephen Stanton, as the scaly Lieutenant X

Elsie Downey and George Morgan and really all of the voices in Chafed Elbows

John Malkovich from Penguins of Madagascar

Ryan Reynolds, who provides the voice of a few animal characters in The Voices

The winner is Werner Herzog from Penguins, but it’s only because I’ve wanted to hear him say “chubby bum bums” all my life without knowing that it was something I’ve wanted.

Best Use of a Dummy

It’s got to be the guy being thrown from a truck and rolling down a hill in Godzilla vs. Megalon. And it’s got to be that because it was the only thing I had down in my notes.

The “Why the Hell Did I Watch This?” Award

Danny Roane: First Time Director. Why on earth did I think this would be worth my time? I hate myself.

Best New Catchphrase

“Packing shit” from Hawkeye although I’m still not sure exactly what it means. Bonus: "You do the crackin' and I'll do the jackin'" from Trapped in Paradise. Thanks, Nic Cage!

Favorite Cameo

The two guys in Rogue One who apparently go from planet to planet picking fights with people. A better Star Wars geek or a better blogger would have their names for you, but I’ve got better things to do.

My research uncovers that they're called Walrus Man and Dr. Evazan. 

One does the crackin' while the other does the jackin'. 

Best Villain

Al Pacino was so good twice, once as the devil in The Devil’s Advocate and once in Dick Tracy. So he’s going to win because he’s Al Pacino.

I also liked the television-headed incubus with his glowing-eyed henchmen in Ink, Waltz in Big Eyes, and Shepard Lambrick in Would You Rather.

Favorite Shot

In the Basement had a few good ones, but the lengthy--some might say far too lengthy--shot of three women and a washing machine was really nice.

Best Monster

The titular beast in La Bete

This picture was already used once for the Year in Review. 

Best Nudity

Well, I wasn’t vigilant with my notetaking here. I really enjoyed the nudity in The Witch, but how can you beat a three-breasted woman in The Warrior and the Sorceress? You can’t! Maybe that’s why I stopped keeping notes.

[No picture. This is not that kind of blog.]

Worst Nudity

Carol Channing scorched my eyes in Skidoo. I got to see more of Bryan Cranston than I wanted to in a Trumbo prison scene. In the Basement had a whole lot of a hairy guy and his balls. A ball sack made a prominent appearance in The Brothers Grimsby. Kathy Bates did her thing in About Schmidt.

I don't want to put the thought into this one to pick a winner.

Best Sex Scene

Lots of good candidates this year as I watched two movies that were pornographic--Thundercrack! and The Beast. The first had so much sex that it all just kind of blurred together except it’s impossible to forget a scene where a gorilla gives a guy a hand job. The Beast had horse action within the first few seconds, but you’ve already read about that from my Pulitzer-worthy description somewhere above. Brothers Grimsby also had bestial relations with a troubling elephant sex scene.

Purple Rain had a hot moment with Prince and Appolonia, but that was overshadowed by a scene where Prince has sex with a speaker during a performance of “Darling Nikki.”

In Brooklyn, there’s some of the most realistically awkward movie sex I’ve ever seen. The puppet sex in Anomalisa is similar. And in Devil’s Advocate, there’s a sex scene that I’d describe as grotesque and completely unappealing. So those probably shouldn’t win.

Elevator Movie had a guy with duct work or something at the end. It was disturbing, and there was even some penis action if you’re into that.

Man, I loved the grotesque and surreal montage in Belladonna of Sadness.

This is not the pornographic part. 

And Moebius had a terrific and strangely arousing sort-of sex scene involving a knife and a shoulder.  

The winner is Jason Statham and Amy Smart who do it in public, an act necessary to keep him alive in Crank. It was just so absurdly beautiful.

No, I take that back. The winner has to be Mr. Whiskers (The Voice) watching animal pornography. Yeah, that’s the winner.

Best Masturbation Scene

I keep telling myself to get rid of this category, but it seems enormously popular.

The Beast had a couple--one with the titular beast although it technically involved another character’s feet and probably shouldn’t count and one with a woman pleasuring herself with the help of the end frame of her bed. Annabeth Gish has a great moment in The Last Supper, and there’s a great coffin masturbation gag in What We Do in the Shadows. Tuli Kupferberg strokes a gun penis in WR: Mysteries of the Organism, Tye Sheridan pantomimes masturbation in Entertainment, Anomalisa has puppet masturbation, the guy in Elevator Movie has an awkward moment, and a pervert in Hardware masturbates while peeping with a telescope. And I really liked the toaster punishment scene in The Lobster although that was a post-masturbation moment.

The winner’s got to be Prince, simulating masturbation with his guitar at the end of Purple Rain. Yes, it deserves to win multiple awards.

Best Penis

Viggo Mortensen’s is fresh on my mind. I saw some guy’s member in Wanderlust, more penis than I’d ever care to see in Thunderstruck!, and a penis removed and eaten in Moebius. And I loved the giraffe head penis in Belladonna of Sadness. But nothing’s beating the beast’s seemingly eternally ejaculating member in The Beast. Or maybe the horse’s in that same movie, but that’s only because it reminds me that I’m close to winning a Pulitzer Prize for this nonsense.

[No picture for this one either. Sorry, ladies.]

The Maybe a Cigar Is Just a Cigar Award

The “suck it!” scene in Motorpsycho!

Dirty Harry’s bulbous firearm

Blake Lively’s shark friend in The Shallows

Pee-Wee, trapped in a well and forced to nearly touch heads with Manganiello in a tree house while sucking root beer barrels with straws

The winner is Scarlett Johansson as that snake in The Jungle Book, a scene that has really messed me up psychologically.