Bad Movie Club: Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance

2015 improbable sequel

Bad Movie Rating: 3/5 (Josh: I forgot to ask.)

Rating: 3/20

Plot: I really don't know, but there's a lot of fighting.

And almost every single character from the first movie, regardless of how small the role or whether or not the character died, finds his way in this movie. Remember that guy who got his arm chopped off by Samurai Cop in the first movie? Here he is in this one, with a prosthetic arm that for some reason is in a sling. Fuji Fujiyama, the gravelly-voiced main baddie from the first movie? He died in the first movie, mostly because he didn't have a bulletproof vest like that black-assed guy, but a little detail like that isn't going to stop him from being in this movie, too. He's Cranston Komuro, and he might actually be better in this than he is in the first movie. He's at least more intelligible. And my favorite from the first movie--Joselito Rescober, the fabulous maitre d--shows up twice in this.

No Robert Z'Dar though. He sadly passed away before his scenes could be filmed. Because if an on-screen death of a character can't stop a character from being in a movie, the actual death of the actor apparently can.

And that's probably the problem with this whole production. Somebody wanted too much of a good thing. This was a movie funded by Kickstarter or one of the other crowd-funding things, and it feels like it was just made by a bunch of fans of that classic who don't understand how you can't make this kind of magic on purpose. This has all the pieces that the original has, but those pieces are smashed into their spaces with hammers. And it just doesn't work. Not even the silliest-looking CGI blood spurts of all time can make this one all that enjoyable.

What kind of tacky blog is this? I didn't even bother trying to get the rewind/fast-foward/play symbols out of this screenshot. 

The plot is nearly incoherent, so much so that I really stopped even paying attention to it. Matthew Karedas and Mark Frazer admirably do their best with intentionally poorly-written material as the Samurai Cop and his black-assed partner. Action scenes are piled on action scenes. Gratuitous nudity and awkward sex pop their heads in. A lot of the movie is really ugly to look at, but it sounds even worse with a relentless techno soundtrack that gave me a headache. It's just not really a fun movie at all. It's more frustrating than it is fun.

If nothing else, it's a movie that shows what 25 years can do to a person. Apparently, it makes them leathery.

But then there's Tommy Wiseau. I figured he'd have a small role in this, but he's actually playing the main bad villain. And he plays that main villain like only Wiseau can. He's got the Wiseau chuckle, he throws tantrums, and he says each line as if he learned it phonetically and has no clue what he's even talking about. If you can wade through all the stupidity and make it to the climactic fight scene, it's worth watching just to hear Wiseau's monologue.

"Hi, Joe. I was waiting my entire life for this. You think you're chosen one, Joe?" Joe says that he didn't say that, so Wiseau continues, incoherently. "There is no room for words, Joe. We have to do this. This is something we must do! There is no room for the words, Joe. No room at all! Ahhhhh! I kill you, Joe! This is my destiny, Joe! This is my birth rights! Why you are cheating my destiny, Joe? Ever since I burned. I earned, no burned. Not born, Joe. No one can stop me, but I can stop myself, but I will not stop myself, Joe. I own the palace. I own 25 of them, and I built more. I eat them for breakfast, Joe. You got that? I listen to humanity, Joe, and I buried it in my sleep! Ever since I was born, Joe. When I reversed little boys. Ahhhhh!"

Isn't beautiful? That's verbatim according to the Amazon Prime subtitles. All three points I gave this for the bad movie rating were because of this dialogue.

And then when they start smacking their swords together, as awkwardly as you'd imagine they would, Wiseau starts in with some trash talk: "I will piss on your eyes. I will throw a curse on you. Your mother will not recognize you! Chen Chow was my friend, and he became a woman after the influence of alcohol. Surpirse stranger. Ahhhh!"

Come on! I will piss on your eyes?

It was also great to see shane-movies favorite Joe Estevez in the role of the police chief. Dale Cummings, deceased, was unable to participate. Joe Estevez understands why he's asked to be in things like this and he unleashes a suitably terrible performance.