Trolls

2016 animated vomit

Rating: 4/20 (Jen: 16/20; Buster: 20/20)

Plot: Colorful, attractive trolls try to keep from being eaten by larger, unattractive trolls. With music!

This was appalling. I didn't exactly have high expectations from the start, but after about 5 1/2 seconds, those expectations lowered even more. I hated every ounce of this movie, one of those types of movies that is capable of making a person physically ill.

You know the movie production company called The Asylum? They take upcoming blockbusters and quickly assemble their own knock-off straight-to-video version with the hopes--I'm assuming--of duping people who don't read very well into thinking they're purchasing or renting the big budget film. So they're got their own Jurassic World, their own Terminator, their own Transformers. You get the idea. They're also the people responsible for most of those low-budget shark movies. Oh, and a little thing called Titanic 2.

I actually thought that this might have been The Asylum's version of Trolls. The animation was terrible; the music, though filled with too many songs that I'd imagine would be out of The Asylum's price range, was grating, the characters were obnoxious, and the plot was something that could have been written out on a napkin in a Waffle House. The movie was so bad that I thought it was from The Asylum.

It's not. They do have their own troll movie. It's called Trollland.

I can't imagine this being worse than the real Trolls. I mean, it does have Ja Rule, Jerry O'Connell, and Dick Van Dyke in it. Wait, the late Dick Van Dyke? He's not alive, is he?

I just checked. Dick Van Dyke is still alive. 92-ish years old and still with enough energy to voice trolls in blockbuster knock-offs. I really hope Trolland isn't the final movie on his filmography.

Anyway, the real Dreamworks troll movie boasts quite the cast of people who have no integrity. Anna Kendrick, Zooey Deschanel, Justin Timberlake, Jeffrey Tambor, Russell Brand, John Cleese, Christine Baranski, James Corden, Gwen Stefani, Quvenzhane Wallis. It seems like all of those people should A) know better and B) have better things to do with their time. And Russell Brand had better watch himself. His career's about to be deader than Dick Van Dyke.

I can't write anymore about this movie. I'm still a little depressed that I even watched it. I'm ashamed for my wife who inexplicably gave this a 16/20, although she did it with a smirk. I'm ready to disown a daughter who watched this 2 1/2 times before I was supposed to take it back to the library while being really tempted to save other parents in my town from having to suffer through it and toss it in the garbage. And my misanthropy has deepened. A civilization that makes a movie like this--with trolls that fart glitter--doesn't deserve to survive.

I am not making that up, by the way. A troll farts glitter. I just questioned my wife about that. Her reply?

"It's so sparkly. I love glitter, even if it comes out of a troll's butthole."

Lord, help us all.