Bad Movie Club: Things

1989 Canadian horror movie

Bad Movie Rating: 5/5 (Johnny: 3/5; Josh: 4/5)

Rating: 2/20

Plot: Fertility experiments result in things, the Canadian equivalent of monsters.

My only hope with this movie is that lots of people rented it because porn star Amber Lynn "acts" in it and then had to endure the opening dream sequence scene. At least her fans are able to discover that she can almost read, so that's something.

I'd wanted to watch this "infamous abomination"  with the Bad Movie Club Jockasses for a while now, and it was certainly worth the wait. Andrew Jordan got his one shot at writing and directing a horror masterpiece, and he delivered a giant piece of cinematic defecate with Things. Poorly dubbed and even more poorly written, it kind of festers and stumbles, completely unclear about where it wants to go and winding up going nowhere. The performances are exactly what you'd expect with a pair of goons named Barry J. Gillis (who was in the Bee Gees) and Bruce Roach leading the way. However, it's baffling performance by Jan W. Pachul, unfortunately with his only film credit, who pops in at the end as a doctor who steals the show.

This ends with the words "You have just experienced Things," almost like the movie is making fun of us for getting to the end. "Ha ha," says the movie, "you actually sat through this trainwreck!"