Descendants

2015 made-for-television action musical

Rating: 7/20 (Buster: 20/20; Jen: fell asleep)

Plot: Descendants of Disney villains are freed from their island exile when the son of Belle and the Beast becomes king. The quartet of young villains--Jafar's kid, the Evil Queen's daughter, Maleficent's daughter, and Cruella Deville's son--have a secret agenda to steal the Fairy Godmother's wand. They all fall in love with each other.

I spent this entire movie confused about how some of these children were conceived. How did Jafar find himself somebody to start a family with, for example? The Evil Queen and Maleficent, I think, both died. With the good guys, I couldn't stop thinking about who knocked up the Fairy Godmother or who slept Dopey.

I mean, Dopey? Imagine Dopey having sex.

The whole thing makes me want to dive into the art of erotic fanfiction.

I tried to talk to Jen about this afterward, but she didn't want to discuss it. We had a fight, and it was the source of great stress.

More stressful were the songs in this, abysmal pop music that seems blaring no matter how much you turn down the television. There's even a rap version of "Be Our Guest" because that's exactly what the world needs.

I don't want to talk about the special effects. I'd have to spoil the climax in which Maleficent turns into a dragon and tries to kill everybody. Suffice it to say, the effects are almost Birdemic-esque.

Ok, I've spent enough time with Descendants. Except I watched the sequel and will have to watch other sequels because Buster thinks I enjoy them. When you have an 8-year-old, you have to pretend to enjoy some total shit.