1984 monster comedy
Rating: 15/20
Plot: Hoyt Axton gives his son a terrible Christmas present that almost destroys their town.
After compiling my list of the 10 greatest Christmas movies of all time, Josh brought up Gremlins 2. I had remembered that Gremlins took place around Christmas, but I didn't know how much of a factor Christmas actually played since I hadn't seen the movie since it came out. I had never seen Gremlins 2, and I didn't even know it took place during Christmas. But I trust Josh and figured I'd check it out after watching Gremlins again. Turns out that Josh was wrong because the sequel has nothing to do with Christmas, and I suspect he did this intentionally to trick me into watching a horrible movie.
I liked Gremlins a lot more than I thought I would. I decided to do this one Movies-a-Go-Go style because I can't remember the last time I did a blog entry like that and know how wildly popular they are. I can't promise this will be entertaining or coherent, but if you get through this whole thing, you'll be eligible to win a prize.
Anyway, here are my thoughts while watching Gremlins for the first time in 33 fucking years.
Don't get them wet. Keep them out of bright lights. Don't feed them after midnight. And don't curse around them.
I could have sworn that was Short Round. And that’s not racist because I only thought that because of the Yankees cap.
I wish I had a job where I could just look pensive and smoke an extra long pipe.
In a prequel, you might get to find out why my right eye is all fucked up.
Will all the jokes in this film be accompanied with a gong? Gosh, I certainly hope so!
200 dollars? How much is a dog? Seems like 200 dollars is pretty cheap for such a unique varmint.
No bright lights. Keep him away from water. Never feed him after midnight. I have a friend who would make a joke about his penis here. [Hint: It's the same friend who tricked me into watching Gremlins 2 for Christmas.]
Slug bug--white.
Something tells me Mr. Futerman would have been a Trump supporter.
Goddamn foreign cars! Goddamn foreign Mogwais!
That Burger King stuck out like something a fast food franchise paid a chunk of change to have sticking out.
And Mrs. Deagle, with her hatred of deadbeats and her decapitated snowman, seems to be based on Betsy Devos.
We’re getting a lot of extraneous characters right off the bat here. Should I start caring about any of them?
Wait a second. How was that “all that is left” of her snowman? What did the dog do with its entire body? I'm not buying Miss Gulch's story here.
If you play Gremlins and The Wizard of Oz at the same time, Mrs. Deagle rides her bicycle at the exact same time the old bag in The Wizard of Oz is seen transforming into a witch in the tornado. That is a true piece of movie trivia that I just made up.
Captain Clip-On? That’s not a terrible nickname!
Xenophobia, the importance of buying American, capitalist greed, a lack of empathy, light misogyny. This is a very 80s American movie. This entire movie would have probably voted for Trump if it could.
And there's Jimmy Stewart, always working his way into every single Christmas movie.
This son isn’t too bright. Gets something that he thinks is a birdcage (presumably with birds) and immediately starts shaking it?
“Dad, it’s really neat.” Obviously, Billy’s a virgin.
Gizmo’s got a lovely singing voice. This musical number is sweet, but both Billy and Gizmo are making eyes at each other like this is going to lead to something else. Maybe Billy will have some neat sex with his new furry friend and not be a virgin anymore. The dog doesn’t look thrilled about the prospect.
Did Gizmo just say “God damn it!” after falling into the trash can? Howie Mandel, if you're reading this, I need confirmation.
Like I have time to read this! I'm too busy appearing on every other NBC show.
Cool! An invention that sprays orange juice all over the place. Like you can’t just find a three-year-old to do that for you.
That was a ton of juice to come from a single orange, by the way. Have you ever tried to squeeze the juice out of an orange? You won't get enough orange juice to paint your kitchen. I know that much.
Rule Five: Don’t bother him when he’s masturbating.
Wait a second. Is this thing using Minions language? Howie?
Thanks, Dad, for the super-fragile gift that will force me to live in the semi-darkness for the rest of my high school life.
Why’s Corey Feldman delivering Christmas trees while dressed as a Christmas tree? What’s his game?
I get my 80's Coreys confused. Is this the one making terrible music these days or the dead one?
Pete’s kind of a dick.
Childbirth looks painful for Mogwais. So I'm not sure what my wife was complaining about when she gave birth. At least she doesn't have boils festering on her back before balls of fur pop out of them, right?
Less than 24 hours, and you’ve already gotten the fucker wet! Now you’ll never get a turn on that little Donkey Kong game, Billy.
Speaking of Rule Five (Don’t bother him when he’s masturbating), do you think you could pleasure yourself with those things watching you? For some, it would probably enhance the experience.
I’m pretty sure Hoyt needs to find another career. These failed-invention gags have just about run their course, by the way.
Now dropping water on him intentionally just so the science teacher can see it seems really mean. You know it’s painful for the poor little guy!
Hey, it's Dick Miller!
You should go to my imdb page and see how many times I played a character named Walter Paisley.
You can’t go Christmas caroling anymore for fears of being labeled a terrorist organization and potentially being shot at.
Kate sure is a downer! Bringing up Christmas suicide rates and leprosy in the same scene.
I wonder if I can get Trump to bring back Washington’s Birthday as an official holiday. For the past eight years, there's been a War on Washington's Birthday!
Science teacher, approaching with needle: This isn’t gonna hurt.
Mogwai, after being needled in the hand: Oww! Fucking liar!
Wait a second, I don’t think this guy is a science teacher. Why would he be in school over winter break? I guess Billy just happens to have a friend who is a scientist like Marty in Back the the Future.
How did I make it through the 80s without thinking I needed to befriend a scientist?
Sprite product placement.
Did Billy even go over the rules with the scientist?
Ok, I was wrong. Apparently, he is a teacher. Also, school is still in session on Christmas Eve. War on Christmas!
Gremlin-hatching music is very Elfman-esque.
When CAN you feed these things? Like, what’s the prohibited time? Midnight until 6 A.M. I think the rules need to be a little more specific here.
I’ve got a family get-together a little later today. I think I’m going to say “Yum” while eating like the Gremlins do.
And make this exact face the entire time.
This shot of Gizmo on the dart board. I can’t tell if the Gremlins are really good at darts or really bad at it.
“Phone home.” Spielberg: Ok, I'll produce your movie, but you have to include at least one reference to E.T.
Clearly, Mom’s not in a festive mood. Get that “Do You Hear What I Hear?” crap out of here!
Mom: “First, he gets orange juice all over my kitchen, and now he’s bringing creatures home that play unwanted Christmas music and try to kill me! I’m filing for a divorce!”
Blender death, a stabbing, a spritz with insecticide, and a microwave murder. Mom’s like fucking Rambo here!
Like fucking Rambo
Without context or any shot of the Gremlin, this scene could look like a Christmas-tree-on-woman sex scene. And nothing says "Merry Christmas" quite like that.
Humans 4, Gremlins 1 after a decapitated head flies into the fireplace.
“Pardon me, sir. Stuff? Would 60 gallons be sufficient?” I’m not sure what that robot at the invention convention does exactly, but I’m excited thinking about it.
Uh oh! This pool scene is the scariest thing to happen in a YMCA since that scene in Can’t Stop the Music. I wonder if we'll be treated to some PG penis glimpses in this one, too.
I’ve got the captions on, and it’s providing subtitles for the Gremlins. “Ay yu gibbuwik! Eeyo basar gigiyo! Hey custo yap yar!”
This scene with the Gremlins walking down the street and emerging from the darkness is awesome! Stop animation?
Another reference to foreigners (“God damn foreign TV!”), and I’m reminded how xenophobic the 80s were.
I was 11 when this came out, too old for this mailbox scene to cause me to fear mailboxes. Yet, I feared mailboxes until I was in my 30s.
I’m impressed that these things can read.
Deagle’s cats are named Kopeck and Drachma. That’s got to be the kind of knowledge that can win you a bar trivia night.
And apparently, one is named Old Dollar Bill.
“Screechy-voiced little glue sniffers.” I have to respect a woman who hates Christmas carols so much that she’s willing to throw a pitcher of water on them in freezing temperatures. In another life, I might have married Deagle.
I’ve lost track, but I think the Gremlins might be ahead now.
Pete’s armed with a slingshot! That’ll put a dent in this problem!
More amazing than their ability to read is the amount of destruction they’ve managed to cause in such a short time.
And now we take a break from this Gremlin mayhem to give you another invention gag.
Say what you want about these Gremlins, but this scene in the bar shows that these fuckers know how to celebrate Christmas.
The shot of the Gremlin flashing Kate or whatever her name is...so good!
Wait, where did Spike get a tiny gun?
Gremlin puppet show? Exercising with leg warmers? Breakdancing? Brief Coca Cola product placement. This just turned into the most 80’s movie ever!
How did Kate know that they didn’t like bright lights?
Chaos as they “make a run for it” is so good...so much going on in that little sequence.
Gremlins, just like Mr. Futterman said? I don’t think that’s what the drunk guy was talking about.
Like Kate needed another reason to hate Christmas.
Gizmo’s bored with your story, Kate. Can you give us the tl;dr version?
I know this story about Kate’s dead father is supposed to be tragic, but Gizmo’s reaction just forced me to guffaw. And say "Ay yu gibbuwik!"
Why did Hoyt take Barney the dog with him to the invention convention?
Ironic use of “Silent Night” is a nice touch here.
Milk Duds product placement.
You better enjoy the hell out of this picture of Milk Duds. I don't want the time it took me to put it on here to be wasted.
Kate: What are they doing?
Billy: They’re watching Snow White. (Only his answer is snarled, like Kate’s question was idiotic. "Duh, stupid. They're obviously watching Snow White! Gosh!"
Gremlin silhouettes approaching the screen...another great shot!
Something tells me that Billy just destroyed the only thing there is to do in his town.
Stripe’s the leader but has one obvious weakness--a sweet tooth.
This is no time to make out, Billy and Kate! Come on, horny kids!
Another sneaky E.T. reference. Spielberg just can’t help himself.
Upon further review, I'm not sure why I called this "sneaky."
This really is the Tardis of department stores--much bigger on the inside than it looked on the outside.
How long does it take a chainsaw to go through a baseball bat?
Oh, geez. Bird tweet sound effects after Stripe hits his head. That might cost this thing a point!
One of our favorite family games spotted--Survive. Recommended if you want a game that will cause your family to be mean to each other and lead to screaming.
Just in time, Dad.
Ai-yah! The Chinese guy is upset because Gizmo was taught to watch television?
“You have done with Mogwai what society has done to all of nature’s gifts.” What does that even mean, old Chinese guy?
Well, I don't know how the sequel can be more Christmas-y than that? Christmas was all over this one!
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