2017 Year in Review: Part Four

Best Poster

Illustrated Man (featuring a young Donald Trump)


Moonlight



The FP (much better than the movie anyway)


Battle of the Sexes


Mother!


Altered States


Genuine


The Hourglass Sanatorium 


The Reflecting Skin


The Handmaiden


The Screaming Skull


Diary of a Lost Girl


Pieles (Skins)


Fursonas


The Fabulous Baron Munchausen





Q


All the Money in the World



Worst Poster

After Last Season


Tales from the Quadead Zone


Before Sunrise (I avoided this movie forever because of this poster.)


Some Favorite Movie Moments That Don’t Really Fit Anywhere Else in This Mess, Two Involving Nuns

Three characters walking down a street while wind blows trash all over the place in Satantango (well, that could have easily fit in the “extended shot” category)

A nun rape scene in Lair of the White Worm

Lover turned to statues turned to dust in Altered States

“All my dreams are lost” cacophony in The Phantom of the Paradise

The interrogation scene with Lyle Lovett and Whoopi Goldberg in The Player where Lovett references Freaks


Nuns walking up a hill in Marketa Lazarova

A shot of Carradine leaning on a banister with a bunch of puppet shadows on the wall in Bluebeard

Guy emerging from mud and staring at the camera with those eyes in Invasion of Thunderbolt and Pagoda

Herzog’s “that was a good swoosh” while poised on the lip of a volcano


Brad Pitt running in War Machine

Deux en machina--Danton Jr. jumping in with a gun at just the right moment in Deadliest Prey

That puppet goodbye scene in Endless Poetry (I know I did fit this in somewhere else, but I wanted to mention it again anyway.)

Sam Neill’s character getting a tub of popcorn in In the Mouth of Madness

The dramatic reading of "Goodnight, Moon" in Life

The opening of The Room in The Disaster Artist


Favorite Sex Scene

Marquis has sex with a wall, urged on by his talking penis
Yeti sex in Yeti: A Love Story
The Greasy Strangler...any of them really


The very bouncy scene with a burn victim and droopy-faced gal in Skins
Psychedelic sex scene in The Trip
3-Iron, though I can’t really remember if there even was a sex scene
Images, a trippy sex scene in a mirror
Octopus-on-woman action in Possession



The experimental movies the daughter/grandaughter makes in Meyerowitz
Coitus interruptus (twice) with Mark in Jack and Julie
Somnophilia with Nicole Kidman in The Killing of a Sacred Deer (or another scene with Kidman in a vehicle)

The winner’s an easy pick though--it’s Divine raping Divine in Female Trouble. How could that NOT win?


Best Penis

Marquis, with a talking one
Applesauce, with a severed one in a noodle dish
Nothing but Trouble, on Dan Aykroyd’s face

Yes, I did Google "dan aykroyd penis nose" for you people. 

The Overnight, with the fake penises of Adam Scott and Jason Schwartzman

Can the penis puppet in Marquis win the Lew Zealand award and this one? I don’t see why not! Congratulations, penis puppet!


Best Furry Scene

That hot little bear girl in Kontroll


Hottest Scene

Amanda Donohoe playing Chutes and Ladders in lingerie in Lair of the White Worm
The “shunting” scene in Society



Future sex in Blade Runner 2049 with a robot and hooker morphing
Nicole Kidman giving a guy a handjob in The Killing of a Sacred Deer
“After the Ball,” a Melies short with a fun bit of nudity
Lesbian mermaid sequence in The Lure

The winner? Sally Hawkins and her amphibious friend in the bathroom in The Shape of Water.


Best Nudity

Amanda Donohoe, mentioned far too many times in this year-in-review crap already; Tim Robbins all covered with mud in The Player, Rod Steiger in The Illustrated Man, Sally Hawkins in The Shape of Water? Or how about Clara Bow in Wings? No, this one goes to this year’s Billy Curtis award winner for her nude scene in Endless Poetry. I'll confess that I was a little aroused during that.

(Did you get that? Is anybody still reading this?)

Worst Nudity

Loads of stuff in The Greasy Strangler

Best Golden Shower Scene

Mother!

I think it might have been the only golden shower scene that I saw this year. What a sad year 2017 was!

Best Masturbation Scene

Yep. This is still a category.

A phone sex scene in The Greasy Strangler (“Come on!”)
Kevin, maliciously in We Need to Talk about Kevin
The Office's Packer in Cheap Thrills, surprise masturbation while watching his wife have sex with another guy
A guy jacking off to a picture of a deformed girl in Skins when his mom intrudes
A guy choking his chicken while he’s supposed to be monitoring the main character in an immersion tank in A Cure for Wellness

And the winner is Sally Hawkins in her bathtub in The Shape of Water.


Best Dirty Drawing

Munchausen’s sketch of Mona Lisa’s posterior in The Fabulous Baron Munchausen

Biggest Distraction

Being forced to imagine Dopey having sexual intercourse while watching those Disney Descendants movies. Oh, come on! Like you didn’t?

Coolest Bit of shane-movies Trivia that Only Shane Probably Cares About

2017 was the first time that I watched a 1/20 movie and a 20/20 movie back-to-back. Those two movies also have the biggest difference in running times than any two movies I’ve ever seen back-to-back--7.5 hours and 53 minutes.

I'm also overly proud of having back-to-back blog entries for movies that were made 121 years apart.

Personal Goal, So Far Unfulfilled

My desire to bring “make it snappy” back into the vernacular, though I haven't really given it much effort

My Proudest Blogger Moments from 2017

A clever pun for my movies-a-go-go entry of The Brain That Wouldn’t Die: a reference to the Dipshitocratic Oath

Refraining from any “morning wood” jokes in my write-up for A Monster Calls

A hilarious “one-hand clapping” joke in my review of Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter...and Spring

My plot synopses for Robert Altman’s Countdown and A Man There Was, the latter better than anything Henrik Ibsen ever wrote

When I convinced my gullible readers that Roar Uthaug means “Loud Blockbuster” in Norwegian because the joke’s on them and it totally doesn’t! Suckers!

Best Performance by a Baby in a Movie

“Brian” in The Fate of the Furious


Things That Made Me Angry This Year

Actually, lots made me angry this year. 2017 was terrible. I should have been more specific in the subheading for this section. These would be things that made me angry in movies this year.

The unnecessary Kennedy “money shot” in Jackie
The completely tone-deaf and propagandish Last Ounce of Courage, in a way the perfect movie for a calendar year filled with so much idiocy
A troll farting glitter or a troll with an autotuned voice in Trolls


The Little Panda Fighter


That some guy not named Peter Mayhew did not play Chewbacca in Wonder
That the story about the etymology of “kangaroo” in Arrival was completely made up

My Wife’s Defense of Trolls and Glitter

“It’s so sparkly. I love glitter, even if it comes out of a troll’s butthole.”

While on the subject of my wife. . .

Quote That Shows How Angry My Wife Gets Because of What She Sees as a Movie Addiction

“Meanwhile, you’re watching this shit.” (A response to about 2 ½ hours of Melies on a Saturday afternoon that she thought I should have been using for something else)

And since I know she would hate that I included either of those quotes, I might as well put this one here:

Things That Would Probably Annoy My Wife If She Read My Blog

You might remember that last year, I wrote about how she made a reference to this part of my year-in-review. So a more accurate title might be “Things That Would Probably Annoy My Wife Conveniently Located in One Place” or something.

The fact that seeing Nicolas Cage in a cowboy costume gave me a boner--a boner with a capital O!


My Lair of the White Worm ramblings
My enjoyment of Kristen Wiig’s bangs
That I have a list of silent film stars I’d like to sleep with if I had access to a time machine
A fantasy I have of playing Slap Jack with Kate Micucci
Louise Brooks fawning while watching Diary of a Lost Girl or my confession of a desire to live in a home for wayward girls


The revelation that I have a horse-riding pants fetish
Loving a little person sex scene in Endless Poetry a little too much
My desire to see King Kong’s penis
The “thing” I have for Vera Farmiga
A reaction to Elizabeth Taylor’s possible nipple and the confession that I have a thing for mannequins
The fact that I pretended to “bang” her with “extra gusto” after watching God’s Pocket
That I want to have sex on a floating monastery
The idea that I might have been aroused while enjoying Fatty Arbuckle’s cross-dressing shenanigans


Details of a Sybil Seely wet dream
My concerns over having an erection during The Great Rupert


The likelihood that I’d probably have a sexual encounter with a 125-year-old Lillian Gish if given the chance


That I’m aroused at the sight of Dom DeLuise in a dress
That I fall in love with silent movie actresses and it’s the only reasons I even watch silent movies
That I would love to have Tuesday Weld as a girlfriend
That I fell in love with Sally Hawkins, who was also sort of a silent movie actress, just like the creature did

However, I don’t think I typed Scarlett Johansson’s name even once this year!

No comments:

Post a Comment