Ocean's 8

2018 sequel/reboot

Rating: 10/20

Plot: Danny Ocean's sister gets out of jail and immediately assembles an all-female crew to pull off a jewel heist at a museum gala. Some of her partners wonder if she's got other ideas up her sleeve.

Generic and mindless popcorn flicks are fine if they're fun enough, but this one bored me. As every single piece of Denise Ocean (or whatever the hell her name was) and her crew's plan comes together a little too perfectly, director Gary Ross's screenplay written with Olivia Milch also just kind of fits together exactly like it's supposed to. It makes something that should be sharp and witty and stylish and snappy winds up halfheartedly trudging through heist story cliches, slogging from one expected point to the next one as if it's being dragged against its will by the percussively jazzy score.

It's got to start with the bland, single-note characters. Bullock doesn't have the personality to carry a movie like this, and I've never really thought she was a great actress anyway. She brings zero charisma to this role, making it hard to believe that she can possibly be the sibling of George Clooney, the most charming man in the history of motion pictures. The more time we spend with her character, the less likable she becomes. The other actresses might bring some talent, but there's almost nothing for them to do with it as they're just around to help the film's writers show off how cleverly they can scheme. It's never clear what Blanchett's character brings to the table unless it's moral support or riding a motorcycle around. This is the second Mindy Kaling movie I've seen this year where she just kind of seems lost in the world of the movie. I believe Helena Bonham Carter is supposed to be playing quirky here, but her heart just doesn't seem in it. Awkwafina throws out a little bit of energy, but her character seems like she was supposed to be in another movie and somehow got lost in this one. I can't even remember what Sarah Paulsen's character's skill set would have been unless it's "looking a little like Kristen Wiig." Best of the lot might be Rihanna as Nine Ball. But none of the characters really get a chance to shine, and there aren't many instances where they can show off any chemistry between them either. Soon after the "building the team" part of this--not much into the "forming a plan" part--I had decided that I didn't really want to spend any more time with this group of characters. The lone character trait each brought to the table wasn't enough to sustain interest, and they were clearly just running on cool chick fumes and nothing else.

The lack of interesting characters might be forgivable if the heist itself was engrossing. It wasn't. A person walking out of this movie could have just told me exactly how everything ends up, maybe giving me a sketchy CliffNotes version of the big plan, and I would have had just as much satisfaction. There are revelations, at least a couple, but I'm not sure if the can really be called revelations if nothing really matters. There are all kinds of instances where you have to suspend your disbelief, really believe that these criminals can be as lucky as they repeatedly are. Loose ends are tied up clumsily. A heist has happened exactly like it's supposed to happen, with sputtering lackadaisical flash, and none of it is nearly as much fun as it was watching Sandra Bullock's character pull off petty crimes in a mall right after her release from prison at the very beginning of the movie.

I can't remember if I saw all three of the original Oceans movies or not. I know I liked the first one fine, and I know I hated one that I watched on a plane. I think I might have seen both sequels. This is probably no worse than either of the sequels, but it is completely devoid of any spark or energy that justifies its existence. It's a cinematic blah.

I went to see this because it's one of the movies I drafted in a fantasy summer movie league that I'm in. You know, because my twelve dollars might wind up being the difference between winning and losing.