Replica

2005 romantic thriller

Rating: 2/20

Plot: The most boring guy in the world falls in love with a woman who works for the biogenetics company that saved his life by biogeneticizing a kidney for him. And the rest of the movie is a whole lot like Vertigo.

This second feature from auteur James Nguyen shows that he didn't first come up with the idea to emulate (i.e. rip off) Alfred Hitchcock with Birdemic: Shock and Terror. No, this one is clearly Nguyen's Vertigo. It's got similar stalking sequences, a chase up a tower, a doppelganger lover, and even a familiar location right by the Golden Gate Bridge. Additionally, Nguyen pays homage to Hitchcock by including a pair of scenes where the characters watch Tippi Hedren and Kim Novak, right before engaging in sexual intercourse, almost as if the only way the main character can get it up is by seeing one of those actresses. So how well does Nguyen replicate Hitchcock? Well, let's just say nowhere near as well as De Palma.

This came out five years before Birdemic, but clearly, Nguyen had already found his voice. This has all the touches that would make a film Nguyenian, and anybody who's seen either of the Birdemics would know that this has his stink all over it. You've got the aforementioned Hitchcock homage; the Hitchcockian cameo, not exactly something you'd call graceful here; a sex scene where the leading lady is wearing a bikini; the Tippi Hedren; a date montage or two, not nearly as poignant as a later sorrow montage; lots of references to sales and commission checks; a lengthy driving scene; and even some verbose preachiness from somebody clearly reading off a cue card. There's also a terrible use of green screen for scenes that take place in the biogenetics laboratory, most hilariously when some characters are walking in that setting near the end.

The cheesy synthesized score, oddly something that might be the best thing about this movie even though that's like trying to find something that's best about having chlamydia, is a sad attempt to imitate Herrmann. It's at its worst in the romantic moments, like that dating montage where the couple hit a beach and a merry-go-round and a few sidewalks. And you've got some terrible sound editing, another Nguyen trademark. The sound cuts out at times and is drowned out by passing cars at other times. An audible hum can be heard throughout most of the movie. Most befuddling is the decision to mic a bird in the main character's house. That fucking bird is the loudest thing in the entire movie!

The best moment not featuring that bird has to be a car crash. This is definitely a spoiler, but I've already spoiled this movie by telling you Nguyen lifted the plot from Vertigo. The guy's girlfriend is driving to work in a residential neighborhood. She, and the car we see heading straight for her, have to be driving around 20 miles per hour. There's some clumsy editing, and the woman raises both of her arms above her head as she realizes she's about to be involved in a head-on collision. Somehow, it manages to kill her. A detective comes by the main character's house later and mentions that there was an autopsy in which they discovered semen in her. And later, it's revealed that it was the work of a hit man.

I mean, all that is enough to give Alfred Hitchcock's rotting corpse a boner, isn't it?

That detective, by the way, is played by another guy with the Nguyen surname. I suspect it's a relative. I spent most of the movie thinking he was the worst actor in this thing, mostly because he had trouble pronouncing some of the words he was given to say. But then Dr. G. really got some scenes in which he could shine. Dr. G. is played by Rick Camp, who also played a doctor in both of the Birdemic movies. I'll tell you what--Rick Camp knows how to sell a death scene. The one he gets in this movie is glorious. None of these actors--including the leads, John David Braddock and Lana Dykstra--get help from Nguyen's script, one that contains gems like "Waiting for my prescription to be filled, Doc," one of the grossest pick-up lines I've heard in a long time, or "Don't go. I'm just shocked that you're a clone" or some dialogue where characters contradict themselves in a single sentence. It's also got this dialogue, a phone call right after the main character creepily began a conversation after a chance encounter when he was looking at a bridge and she was jogging:

Dr. Tyler: "This is Dr. Tyler."
Joe Thomas: "Hi, Dr. Tyler. This is Joe Thomas."
Tyler: "Look, Mr. Thomas. I'm extremely beesy [her pronunciation]. I'm at work. I don't have time to chit chat."
Joe: "I need a new heart."
Tyler: "Umm. How do you want it delivered to you?"
Joe: "You can bring it on a date."
Tyler: "Oh, you're really persistent, aren't you?"
Joe: "What'd you expect from a salesman?"
Tyler: "I wouldn't know. We only deliver via slow mail." [What the fuck?]
Joe: "How's your day going, Dr. Tyler?"
Tyler: "Fine, and how about yours?"
Joe: "Great, but it could be better. How about dinner?"
Tyler: "You don't give up, do you?"
Joe: "I'd be dead in the water if I did. You wouldn't want that with all that you've invested in me."
Tyler: "Mmm. Blackmail."
Joe: "No just good sales technique [loud bird noise] which has vastly improved over the former version. Thanks to you and only you." [Again, what the fuck?]
Tyler: "Okay, meet me at the corner of Chestnut Street in the city at 8 o'clock." [Wait, the corner of one street?]
Joe: "I'll see you there. Heart and all."

And that conversation is punctuated with Joe hanging up the phone and exclaiming "Yes!" with a dramatic fist pump. He later hears something on the radio worth celebrating and duplicates that fist pump--this time with a "Yeah!"--before staring awkwardly at the radio.

My favorite moment might have been when a character says "Let me explain," a line followed by a flashback that explained absolutely nothing.

Nguyen also alludes to his first feature, Julie and Jack. Because why wouldn't he?