Cory's Birthday Movie Celebration: Godzilla Raids Again

1955 sequel

Rating: 10/20

Plot: Having nothing better to do, Godzilla raids again. This time, he brings along a buddy.

The last few years, I've had to celebrate Cory's birthday by watching a Godzilla movie that he's never mentioned before which might be better than that year I watched the Smog Monster one even though I knew it was his least favorite. I've blown through the titles that he's cited as good ones, but something like that isn't going to stop me from continuing this tradition of giving him the cheapest birthday present in the history of birthdays. I believe I started doing this in 2011 and will probably continue doing it until I run out of Godzilla movies or Cory stops having birthdays.

This year, because I once again didn't plan ahead, I had to watch what was available for streaming and found this second movie in the series. It's not as good as the first one. As always, here are my stream-of-conscious thoughts as I watched this thing. Happy birthday, Cory.

Godzilla raids again! 

A mushroom cloud and references to scientists perfecting “giant mechanical monsters.” I’m already depressed. We're a few seconds into the movie, and I've already got my mind on Trump and the end of the world.

This narration and stock footage at the beginning leads me to believe I’m watching an American version of this one which I always assume are worse than the Japanese versions. I’m going to apologize to Cory in advance, but hey, you have to watch what’s available. And he can always recommend one!

Now there’s a new narrator talking about “old-fashioned” pleasant little community of Kayo. With people “content with what they are doing” and understanding that hard work brings happiness, this sounds like it's heading into propagandic territories.

That’s the most excited I’ve seen somebody get about tuna.

The problem with these Movies-A-Go-Go things are that there’s no way something like that last sentence can have any meaning to somebody not watching this while reading it. Even if you did see a guy flying over the ocean looking for schools of tuna and then being really excited when he spots some, it wouldn't be funny.

Anyway, I'm going to call that character Tuna Guy.

And now the romantic subplot has been revealed. It’s important to get that going before there’s any mention of, you know, monsters or anything. You come for monster rampage, but you stay for the romance.

How about this dialogue:

Sweetheart of Guy Who Gets Excited about Tuna: “Tsukioka, are you tired, my dear?”

Guy Who Gets Excited about Tuna: “Not too tired to go dancing with you tonight.”

Sweetheart: “Alright, alright. Come to the house early, you see? Papa’s loaning me the car.”

Sweetheart’s Co-worker: “Someday, I’m going to be loved like that. Take me?”

Sweetheart: “Ha ha ha. I can’t. Get your own guy.”

Co-worker: “Kiss me again. I’m all yours. Ha ha ha.”

Sweetheart: “Ha ha ha. Silly girl. Always clowning.”

I’ve just got to say--with clowning like that, it probably doesn’t even seem like work.

I'm aware that the dubbing probably took a lot of the magic out of the above co-worker rapport.

Tuna guy’s buddy is named Kobayashi. That’s the same name of that guy who used to be the best at eating hot dogs, right?

Kobayashi is going down!

Why is a narrator needed for this? This is really bad storytelling.

Uh oh, Kobayashi hurt his wrist. That’s his frankfurter-gripping wrist!

Whoever is dubbing Kobayashi is doing an incredible job. I guess this character is supposed to be comic relief.

Man, this is talky! Whoever put together this American version must have thought that American audiences needed everything explained to them. And this is even before we elected Donald Trump president.

“Horrors in the world of science are part of nature’s plan.” Keep telling yourselves that, climate change deniers.

Angilosaurus, anguirus. "Original plundering murderers." They sound like gangstas! That's the kind of description a late-80's rapper would have used to describe himself.

They have brains in several parts of their body? Radioactivity can bring them out of hibernation? They can use fire to eliminate the human race? This all sounds very scientific. If you're going to waste our time with scientific mumbo-jumbo in these sci-fi fantasy movies, make it at least somewhat scientific. Otherwise, don't explain anything at all. Just have monsters exist.

Oh, boy. We’re about to get a Godzilla-movie-within-a-Godzilla movie. There's nothing that gets me more excited when watching an action movie than a scene with a scientist showing off a film strip he's brought to a meeting.

Wait, he’s showing a film that shows the beginning of the world? How'd he get footage of that?

I’m waiting for one of the scientists to stop this guy who brought the film strip with footage of the first Godzilla movie and say, “Hold up a second. This just happened last year, so we remember it all. A 50-foot monster attacking Tokyo was a big enough deal that it made the news, ya know.”

The response of the military guy when film strip dude said they got rid of him with the "oxygen destroyer" was pretty good. It was like a polite eye roll.

“Our faith is no longer in the lap of science but in the lap of the Gods.” Great, Mike Pence wrote this.

I hope this prehistorical monster spotting doesn’t mess up these two’s plans to go dancing.

Tuna Guy just used the slang term “banana oil." “Ah, banana oil!” I’m bringing that back into the vernacular if I can figure out what it means.

The military should be able to afford better monster models to put on their map. I guess World War II really depleted their funds.

All this narration makes this seem like one of those film strips I used to have to watch in elementary school.

Oh, good. They did get to make it to a club for some dancing. You know, because the threat is completely gone.

During this extended dance sequence, I’m going to remember back when this movie was about Godzilla.

Somebody just mentioned the monsters being somewhere else "instead of the Chicago area." Japan has its own Chicago?

Silly, gullible people of Osaka!

The monsters sound terrifying in this--this screechy echo. I also have to say that I might prefer my Godzilla in black and white. There's something menacingly oily about him and he doesn't look nearly as rubbery as he does in the color movies. I think this Godzilla is more terrifying.

With that noise, Godzilla sure isn’t sneaking up on anybody though.

I may have completely missed it because I was busy typing instead of paying attention to all the narration, but why is Godzilla attacking Osaka? Is he just mad that Tuna Guy and his dopey friend landed on his island briefly?

There goes a lighthouse! Finally, some monster destruction!

This plan to lure Godzilla away with flares seems like a flawless one.

I’m confused about what these escaped convicts have to do with anything, but I’m sure some narration will clear that up soon.

The trio of escaped cons are actually narrating their escape. “Come on--let’s run fast to get away!” type stuff. “Here’s a truck! We’re lucky we found this truck. We will drive in it to get away from the police who are chasing us with the hopes of catching us and putting us back in prison where we belong because of crimes that we have committed.”

I’m not clear about what just happened. But at least I know how this is going to be related to Godzilla. To clear it up for people not watching along--the escaped cons ended up being terrible drivers and crashed into the cannery, starting an inferno. That's going to distract Godzilla from the flares being used to get him away from the city.

Where’s Godzilla’s friend anyway?

“Oh, horrible.” I think Tuna Guy might have been talking about the special effects there.

I remember my brother and I once got in a brawl and managed to destroy an entire mall. That’s what Godzilla and his spiky buddy are doing.

Explosion! Guy says “Oh, my factory!” and starts to run toward it. What was his plan there? Was he going to put the flames out with his bad acting?

Ok, Tuna Guy’s girlfriend is watching this destruction from afar. Here’s the narration:

“From her father’s house, Hidemi looked out the window and saw the awesome sight.” [Not needed. We can clearly see the character looking out a window.] “The tragic blow had finally come. In the far distance, the terrible fire raged on, consuming the city that she loved. As the smoke billowed toward the sky, it told its own story. It was a nightmare of horror, and as she turned back from the bitter sight, her heart was heavy with sorrow. Silently, she uttered a prayer. Why had this awful thing happened to her people? What had they done to earn such a dreadful punishment?”

All that was with really sappy music, by the way. Banana oil!

I'm not sure if that was an appropriate use of "banana oil" or not. I hope this doesn't ruin Cory's birthday.

It’s fitting that I’m watching this Godzilla and spiky guy fight the same day Putin and Trump had their summit. This reminds me a lot of that except there’s a lot more fighting and no ass kissing. And Godzilla isn’t putting his hand up the other monster’s rectum and treating him like a puppet.

Yet! This will fly to the top of my favorite Godzilla movies list if that happens!

I think Spiky Guy just said, “Oh no he didn’t!” If I had more time, I'd translate their screeches, but this action is fast and furious. And spiky.

Some of these buildings that are falling down are very clearly not very well constructed.

Yeah, pull out your pistol. That’s going to do a lot of good against these two.

Is Godzilla giving Spiky Guy a hickey? That actually might have happened during the Trump/Putin summit.

I'm sure Spiky Guy has a name. A better blogger would look that up. 

Here are more of Tuna Guy’s girlfriend’s thoughts narrated for us. Not nearly as effective as the slow pan over the ruined city. That looked cool.

Nobody cares about this guy’s plans for the cannery. People lost lives something like four hours ago, and there's still a monster on the loose. But yeah, let's hear all about how you're going to keep canning tuna.

In that guy's defense, it's what Republicans are doing. "Sure, our presidents is likely treasonous and just put down our country while standing next to an enemy, but have you seen those unemployment numbers? And the tuna has never tasted better!"

These people are awfully jolly a few hours after their entire town has been destroyed, especially since they’ve lost track of one of the monsters.

These people on the fishing boat watching Kobayashi’s plane are probably just excited to see him because they know there’s a strong possibility that he will crash again.

This has turned into a movie about fishing and reunions with old military buddies.

A drunken sing-a-long of “For He’s a Jolly Old Fellow,” complete with arrhythmic clapping. That’s my kind of party!

Godzilla sunk the fishing boat now? I’m starting to think he’s just got something against this fishing company. Maybe he's colluding with the tuna!

What the fuck? It might strike the U.S.? Now I’m going to start caring!

MAGA. Make America Godzilla-Free Again. That's what Democrats should run on for 2020.

Now Kobayashi is asking for advice from Tuna Guy’s girlfriend on what present “a boy can give to a girl.” It’s nice of them to include a mentally-challenged character, but this seems a little exploitative.

That last scene just completely interrupted a scene where Tuna Guy is flying around looking for Godzilla and his girlfriend is begging him to come back but he doesn’t want to because he is tired of being a coward.

Why is Godzilla just standing there, and why do they think he’s going to be doing that for an extended time?

“And now, you must die!” Spoken like an action hero who doesn’t have a good screenwriter!

Ok, the bombs weren’t working, so Kobayashi says, “So. . .help. . .me!” and then flies into the side of a mountain. I think this was to show the other pilots a Plan B--avalanche Godzilla to death since he's really attached to this particular spot for some reason.

“Papa, Kobayashi died.”

“What are you saying?”
“He died. More than an hour ago.”

“Good lord. How did this happen?”

Umm, I can answer that. He flew into the side of a mountain to show the other pilots how to make an avalanche instead of just suggesting that verbally.

I love how they used the infrequently used military command of “Hop to it” there. It brings a definite authenticity to this whole thing.

As this plan is put into action, I just have to keep reminding myself that if they fail, EVERYBODY WILL DIE! I think a narrator said that earlier even though Godzilla has just been standing in the same spot doing nothing for several days.

For a monster with brains all over his body, he’s not really showing much problem-solving ability during all of this.

Ice chunk avalanche montage. It made me want a glass of tea.

“I lowered my head as I thought how [Kobayashi] has died.” Umm…because he didn't know how to use words to communicate an idea? I'm sorry, Tuna Guy, but your friend was kind of a dumb ass.

I’m trying to think about whether burying Godzilla in ice is really a foolproof plan. I guess since he doesn’t ever come back, it must have worked.

Well, that certainly seemed like a movie made by a studio that knew it had a good thing in this Godzilla character but didn't have any idea what story it wanted to tell. Or how to use the big guy! Godzilla does next-to-nothing in this movie. He barely raids at all.