Licence to Kill

1989 Bond movie

Rating: 14/20

Plot: James Bond gets pissed at some Cuban drug lords after they ruin his friend's honeymoon.

Typing "licence" as an American feels weird, and I don't want to do it. This is Trump's America that we're talking about, and I really shouldn't have to. Speaking of the big orange blowhard, anybody who watches this movie and doesn't understand that Trump is working hard to protect us from drug lords who use sharks as weapons need to watch more Alex Jones or something. You people just don't get it. Make America Shark-Free Again.

I'm accused Timothy Dalton of the crime of being dull. That's likely still true, but it's probably a matter of preference. Dalton is a lot closer to Craig than Moore, and anybody who's ever read a word I've written about 007 movies knows that I like my Bond with slide whistles. He's not the problem with this movie, and he's probably not the problem with the other movie he was in either. It's tough to stand out in a movie when you're competing against Wayne Newton anyway, even when you're the protagonist of said movie.

I swear that Gladys Knight and the Pips are haunting me. The theme song for this one is Gladys Knight and at least a few of the Pips. I don't know my Pips. How many were there? Were they attached by wires or something? I'm going to have to research these Pips to find out what they're about and why all these movies keep reminding me that they exist.

Licence to Kill has a darker tone, though it lacks a good testicle-torture scene, but still manages to be really silly. It has a little trouble balancing the darkness and silliness. You've got the honeymoon disruption, characters tortured by loss of loved ones and limbs, Bond going more rogue than Sarah Palin could ever think about going. At the same time, you've got some puerile one-liners ("He disagreed with something that ate him.") and ridiculous tropes that wouldn't feel out of place in an Austin Powers romp. Cuban drug lords who are like, well, Bond villains, weaponizing sharks, maggots, and electric eels. A ray disguise, the kind of thing that makes this especially tough to watch for Steve Irwin fans. Harpooning, of course; barefoot water-skiing; a bar fight that includes an attack with a swordfish, all while partially-nude (because it's a Bond movie) dancers still keep going (because it's the 1980's); much-too-quick romantic developments; bad dude Sanchez with a pet lizard; Cuban ninjas; gadgets, including a laser camera, a gun camera, toothpaste tube plastic explosives; a death via decompression chamber; a Batman tv show killing method moment. It climaxes with a vehicular chase that might remind some people of the Fast and the Furious franchise, including a very silly tanker maneuver that probably could have used that aforementioned slide whistle. And yes, anybody who's watched any movie at all can guess that a gift Bond is given will come into play later, probably in the exact way that it does.

Even Q knows that a love triangle that develops is silly. You can see it in his eye roll.

It's a rousing opener--a helicopter/plane chase and a parachute to a wedding. And aside from that, a lot of the action scenes are enjoyable, even the most ridiculous ones. I really liked a shot where he's digging around in these maggots and this shadowy shark swims behind him. There are some underwater thrills, some great stunts, and even a visit to Hemingway's house in the Florida Keys, a place filthy with felines. All in all, it's fun watching Bond in a situation where he's forced to do his own thing.

 "Chainsaw my ass!" Did you know that more chainsaws are sold in Florida than in Oregon? You learn things by watching a James Bond movie.

This was an early role for Benecio del Toro, just a year after playing Duke the Dog-Faced Boy in Big Top Pee-Wee. He brings a sort of lackadaisical charisma and a great bad-guy smile to his henchman character. Wayne Newton is perfect for what he does here, and Everett "Big Ed Hurley" McGill as another henchman named Killifer, a name that isn't dumb at all. Robert Davi has the right amount of meanness as Sanchez, and the lizard is pretty good, too, although you could argue that he needed more to do.

My favorite line: "Let's make this a proper family reunion. Give me a gun."