The Meg

2018 shark movie

Rating: 10/20

Plot: While poking around on what they think might not actually be the bottom of the ocean, scientists unleash a megalodon and have to call on Jason Statham to help get rid of it.

I may have bothered other people in the theater when one of the characters said "Hatch to hatch" and I started laughing because I thought of the "Ass to Ass" scene in Requiem for a Dream and then, to help them understand why I was laughing, explained it by saying, "Ass to ass." I'm giving the movie bonus points for that.

I'm not sure if it's false advertising or if it's just false expectations that I created all by myself, but I am disappointed this wasn't a movie about Jason Statham kicking a 70-foot shark to death. Instead, it's a whole lot of scientific gobbledygook in the almost-cool-looking sealab funded by Dwight Schrute from The Office. Here, Schrute is playing a character who could only be described as a jerk-off. He's probably one of Trump's friends actually.

And before I continue, I do want you to realize that I know the actor who played Dwight Schrute has a real name. But come on--the guy has George-Constanza'd himself because of that sitcom, right? He can't escape that character easily, and roles like this where he's not really very good won't help him shake off the Schrute stink.

But I've digressed. This is a shark movie, not an Office spin-off. I have doubts the world needed another shark movie because Jaws 3-D pretty much perfected the genre, but I guess if you're going to make a shark action adventure, you might as well juice things up by making the shark super big.

Studio Executive: Ok, what do you guys have for me?
Person Trying to Convince the Studio to Make Another Shark Movie: Well, there's this shark. . .
Studio Executive: Wait a second. We've had an oversaturation of shark movies in the last decade or so. No pun intended.
Person Trying to Convince the Studio to Make Another Shark Movie: I'm not sure that's even a pun. But look, this isn't just a shark movie. This shark movie has a fish that is way bigger than the other movies!
Studio Executive: Sold! Here's 150 million dollars to make this thing right. I don't think sharks are fish though.
Person Who Has Convinced the Studio to Make Another Shark Movie: Yeah, who knows?
Studio Executive: See if you can get Jason Statham in the movie. He can, you know, kick the shark.

But Statham doesn't even kick a fucking shark in this! He's a ludicrous action movie hero in this and all, but why would you even bring Statham on board (no pun intended) if you're not going to have the guy kick and punch things?

In a movie that doesn't seem to have a single original idea, Statham punching and kicking a megalodon would have been welcomed. Instead, we get a pastiche of all these other shark movies--from Jaws 3-D to the Sharknado movies with everything in between. But since it's not as well crafted as Jaws 3-D or as dopey as the Sci-Fi Channel offerings, it doesn't deliver any artistic thrills or really any fun. It tries very hard to be a very serious science fiction movie while at the same time existing as this ridiculous spectacle of sharkish slaughter but succeeds in doing neither very well. If you give your audience close call after close call, they're going to get boring after a while.

The special effects are very good with the exception of a scene in the waters of a crowded beach where CGI people are being tossed around. The action Spielbergianly reveals the prehistoric antagonist little by little, first by just sound and a cool visual of its destructive force and then some glimpses of parts of him and finally the whole darn thing. But in building up the tension and anticipation to see the megalodon, it really doesn't do anything interesting with these human characters or the conflict. All it does is make a movie that isn't much fun way longer than it needs to be and give the audience some time to think about how everything seen in this movie is something that's already been seen before.

The words "Wait, what?" have become a major pet peeve for me, by the way. I think they're written into this script about ten times.