Maleficent

2014 twisted fairy tale

Rating: 9/20

Plot: It's Sleeping Beauty but from the perspective of the villainess.

I've been trying to do some research to find out whether Angelina Jolie's cheekbones were CGI or not.

Look, I don't want to make this entire review about whether or not I'd have sex with Maleficent or not, but there are some things I have to get out of the way. First, would Diaval have be there? You almost assume he would, and even if he's not, I'd be spending the whole time wondering if this shadow or that mouse or that candlestick is a peeping shapeshifter. I'm just not comfortable with the idea of somebody being in the room and watching me while I disappoint Angelina Jolie.

Second, wings or no wings? Likely, wings of that size would get in the way or at least limit the number of positions that could happen. I'm fine with Maleficent-on-top although seeing those wings would be intimidating. Any reverse-cowgirl situation could result in a concussion or a mouth full of oily feathers.

Third, would the James Newton Howard score have to be involved? I've gone limp just thinking about it.

Actually, it's entirely possible that I'm now impotent because of the fairies in this movie--Dimbleweed, Thistlebong, and Snottybits. They're played by Imelda Staunton, who should have been able to find something better to do with her time; Juno Temple, who should have been able to find something better to do with her time; and Lesley Manville, who should have been able to find something better to do with her time. Thinking of them in their small-fairy form, it's unlikely that I'll ever be able to get an erection again. R.I.P., true love, and R.I.P., Shane's boner.

What do you think a fairy would smell like? Most, I think, would guess that a fairy would smell pleasant, but I'm thinking it's the complete opposite, something like a mix of dead flowers and stale pixie dust and turtle ass and those candy circus peanut things. What do you think Angelina Jolie smells like, and is that different than how Maleficent would smell?

Sex in the air might be an option, but I'm going to be honest with you--as my wife could tell you, I barely know what I'm doing on a flat surface. How does one get leverage when having sexual intercourse while floating in the air? I don't like my chances up there.

Also, I assume that sex with Maleficent would have to occur in the world created by these Disney animators. Sure, it's an imaginative explosion of fairy tale foliage, gnarled castles and cliffs, and strange creatures, but I thought it was pretty ugly, production values not too far off from what you'd expect to see from that fairy tale drama that was on television. What was that called? Grimm? The initial novelty of seeing the character fly or the backgrounds wore off very quickly. CGI-enhanced sets looked strangely flat and lifeless.

Jolie is about perfect for this role, but she's got very little to work with. The script does almost none of the lifting in the creation of this character. It's all costuming and cheekbones. Most of the performers look a little lost in this thing, like they're having trouble connecting with other characters or the world they exist in. My guess is that a lot of them weren't used to acting in front of green screens.

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I'm going to go look for Maleficent erotic fan fiction now.