The Mule

2018 mule movie

Rating: 8/20

Plot: An old man with a good driving record becomes a drug mule.

A brief note: I might be obsessed with this movie.

And now, a list of the best/worst things about Clint Eastwood's The Mule, shockingly only the second worst movie the octogenarian unleashed in 2018:

--The movie's barely started, and an ominous trumpet foreshadows horrendous things.

--"Internet? Who needs it?" "Damn Internet! It ruins everything!" Surprising that an old guy who talks to empty chairs would be anti-Internet, isn't it?

--There's a scene when Eastwood's character gets to his daughter's engagement party or whatever it is where the editing was bad enough to make me laugh. My son was skeptical when I told him why I was laughing, so I went back and showed it to him. He laughed as well. If there's a Worst Editing Razzie Award, I hope Joel Cox is proud enough of it to display it on his mantle.

--Eastwood's yelled at by an ex-wife and then immediately finds an opportunity to bring up his lack of driving tickets to a complete stranger

--There are three windsock men (balloon goons) in about three seconds in this, and it made me giddy.

--Now Eastwood's doing a little carpool karaoke, singing "I love you more than anything." Lovely.

--The score turns jazzy unexpectedly, but it's the audible passing birds during a driving scene that hit me straight in the taint. Some sound guy had to add those bird sounds to this. Did Eastwood tell him, "Now, put your phone away, whippersnapper, because I want you to hear this instruction carefully. I want the audience to hear those birds, you see. Really hear them! Work your magic, kid."?

--Bradley Cooper: "Everybody's on their cellphone." I'm sensing a theme.

--I noticed a continuity error while Eastwood is dancing at the wedding reception. I'm guessing the production crew missed it because they were thrown off by Eastwood dancing.

--"King pimpin', right?"
"Yeah, something like that."

--"What are you doing? That was a perfectly good phone." If that's not the most poorly-delivered line in Eastwood's career, I don't know what could top it. Or bottom it.

--I tensed up when I saw Dykes on Bikes because I doubted Eastwood's ability as a director to handle any scene like that with grace. I think we're all very lucky to get away with nothing worse than "Oh, you're a gal?"

--Random cursing--Eastwood's character might be on the spectrum. "Piece of shit motherfucker!" might be an appropriate way to react to a foreclosure sign though.

--Wait a second--he pulls over and takes a peak in the back of his truck on his third trip or whatever and that's the first moment he realizes he's driving around with drugs? What? I don't see how that's possible unless his character is the dumbest man alive.

--And now a random cop and an opportunity for some really great Bengay product placement. "You do a great Jimmy Stewart, by the way?" What the hell is going on with this movie?

--And now the characters are in an apparent polka bar where there's a polka tribute to veterans. Seriously, what the hell is going on with this movie?

--"I've Been Everywhere" sing-a-long isn't quite as magical as you might think it would be. This is a double sing-a-long with "Ain't That a Kick in the Head" while Eastwood's character makes his fifth trip because apparently an ice-skating rink is something that old men really want.

--"You can't open a fruit box without opening the Internet." "That's the trouble with this generation." It's almost like Eastwood is creating a parody of a curmudgeonly Luddite. This can't be real, right?

 --Eastwood has no problem "helping you negro folks out," and I got a little squeamish. Is that the intent? Is Eastwood somehow challenging our ideas of race relations here? Is there something deeper that I'm missing?

--"I'm black; you're white."
"No shit."

--And now it's suggested that Eastwood's character is engaging in a menage a trois. Because of course he is! Oh my God, this is magical.

--Eastwood's character, while talking about Mexicans, claims, "They all look the same." Oh my. This anti-hero has a little too much Trump supporter in him.

--"I don't know his name. What do I look like--Alexander Graham Bell?" I'll admit it--I laughed.

--A little country scatting while enjoying an ice cream sandwich. Imagine the squint Dirty Harry would give this Eastwood character if he caught him doing that.

--He just called his handlers "beaners," and now it's obvious that he's just messing with us.

--Mental note: Always make sure you're carrying around canisters of caramelized corn just in case you need to bribe a cop.

--His sing-a-longs have turned into improv sessions as he sings about getting gonorrhea from Maria for free-yah, resulting in his inability to pee-ah. You get the sense that Eastwood has been wanting to use this in a movie for forty-five years.

--"Hi, gals. Wow." Eastwood's gettin' sleazy as there are suddenly more asses than in a block of early-90's hip-hop videos.

--Oh, holy hell. Now there's a second threesome! You have got to be shitting me, Eastwood.

--His wife apparently has a hiccup condition.

--Poor guy the police pull over in an ambulance--it's the most dangerous 5 minutes of his life, and it's almost like Eastwood the director is critiquing society in a way that would really tick off the character he's playing. And then the poor guy can't get his seat belt to work, the camera lingering.

--Eastwood doesn't even wear his seat belt in this movie. Seat belts are for pussies.

--"Work a little better if you get that damn phone out of your hand." Eastwood says that to a dude who is repeatedly punching an ice machine. I'm not sure anybody associated with this movie understands how ice machines work.

--More whining about cell phones to Bradley Cooper. I'm really embarrassed for the old guy. I really am.

--There were multiple exterior shots of a Waffle House.

--Wife Mary's death scene--holy crap, Dianne Wiest is bad in this movie.

--"At least we'll always know where you are." I may have laughed again.

What's wrong with me if I kind of want to watch this movie again?