2019 sequel to a sequel to a sequel to an original series that has a prequel
Rating: 13/20 (Dylan: 10/20)
Plot: I'd really rather not talk about this one.
Before I get to a numbered list, I have a few things to say.
First, it's hard to believe that this movie exists. I remember meeting Darth Vader and a Jawa outside the Great Scot grocery store in Terre Haute, Indiana as a kid sometime around the time before Episode V came out, and somebody (maybe Darth Vader himself) said that the plans were to have a series of nine movies. Then for the longest time, it seemed like that would never happen. And now it's happened, and it was hard to believe even though it was on a giant screen right in front of me.
Second, it's an emotional experience for me watching this with my adult son. The music hits me, and then there are words scrolling on the screen, and I get emotional. I watched the prequels with the kid when he was just a little fellow, and we've watched every movie in the theater together since The Phantom Menace. He's a man now, and I'm an old man, and even if we don't love Star Wars the same way we did when we were younger, it's still something that I can't think about without thinking of him.
Anyway, here's a numbered list because that's how I want to write movie "reviews" now.
Oh, and don't read anymore if you haven't seen the movie but want to. This will have spoilers throughout.
1) This doesn't stick the landing, and it's irritating what it does to The Last Jedi, a movie that I really grew to appreciate. That one, though it has a sloppy narrative, remains cohesive because it is so focused on a central theme. It also took some risks, attempted to expand the universe, and toyed with our expectations. This one also has a sloppy narrative--a whole lot happens here--but compared to Rian Johnson's episode, it's much safer, gives people what Mickey Mouse thinks they want, and falls back on the same basic themes of the first films. It's Star Wars for dumber folk, and "Completely Good" vs. "Completely Evil" just feels a little tired. Hell, the bad guy even says "I am all the Sith" and is answered with "I am all the Jedi" at one point, like two kids dividing up action figures in the early-80s to play a little Star Wars in their bedroom. I'm pretty sure the Jedi aren't supposed to deal in absolutes, yet that's exactly what J. J. Abrams does here, watering down something that could have been so rich and so complex and so much fun to think about.
2) Let's get to the bad guy. It's Emperor Palpatine, back and better than ever except for some missing digits. I'm not sure we needed him, but at least we get to see Ian McDiarmid back in action. And we are forced (no pun intended) to think about Palpatine having sex, so that's cool. Well, unless there's some sort of midichlorian rape thing going on. That's not nearly as sexy though.
3) If you really think about it, this entire saga becomes more about Palpatine than any other character. The Skywalker siblings are only babies in a very small part of the prequels. Darth Vader's only there in spirit for this sequel trilogy. Sure, Palps (that's what his buddies call him) is only in 1/3 of Episodes IV-IX, but he's an integral part of everything that happens in any of these movies.
4) Finn has something to tell us, but J. J. Abrams isn't really interested in letting us know what that is. I was hoping that it was that he and Poe were involved in a hot romantic relationship, but apparently that's not the case.
5) Richard E. Grant seems to be doing a Werner Herzog thing here. I kind of dug it.
6) Like in The Force Awakens, C3PO actually gets the funniest line. It's about his "one of his oldest friends" and actually made me laugh out loud for real.
7) That "oldest friend" is the new character in this that is my favorite. He's even got a cool name--Babu Frik. I knew I needed more Babu Frik in my life after his scenes seemed to be finished, and then when I unexpectedly got some more Babu Frik (impractically), I nearly leaped out of my seat and fist-pumped.
8) Speaking of fish pumps, I'm pretty sure C3PO gave a fist-pump at one point in this movie, and if that's true, it's about the silliest thing that's happened in a Star Wars movie. It's definitely the silliest thing since the prequels.
9) Chewbacca finally gets a medal in a scene that made me smile, but it was at the very end of the movie. If the plan was to finally get Chewy his metal, you'd think that they'd give it to him much earlier since it seems unlikely that he'll survive the experience of this movie. Chewbacca also has fat legs in this movie. I think he's been doing squats.
10) This has some horrifying elements. Palps is hanging out (literally) in a setting that is probably the creepiest of any of these Star Wars movies, and the sound design and visuals really make it horrifying. From the opening scroll, I knew exactly who we'd meet there and wasn't sure how I felt about that, but I loved the way that place looked.
11) I hate everything that has to do with that stupid dagger in this movie. That didn't make any sense at all. The dagger having those words inscribed on it didn't make any sense. The dagger being a kind of map didn't make any sense.
12) Everything involving Carrie Fisher in this movie was really goofy. She didn't look like she was actually there in some scenes, and a lot of the dialogue the character has feels shoehorned in. That's understandable since it likely was. There's the key Leia moment at what you might call the climax of the movie that doesn't make a lot of sense because she wasn't around to film stuff that would help that make sense.
13) They do give Leia an appropriate send-off, however. R2D2 standing by her deathbed was such a nice touch. A less-callused version of myself might have lost it at that point.
14) The scene that got me was Harrison Ford's brief appearance. That "I know" was such a perfect line. That whole sequence is the kind of thing that should have pissed me off, but it didn't.
15) In general, I wasn't nearly as pissed off by this movie as I thought I was going to be. I had what I thought my review was going to be written in my head prior to going in. It was going to be something like "This movie broke my heart" and then a frowning emoticon. There are things that pissed me off, for sure, but as a whole, I wasn't all that annoyed.
16) But wow, this thing sure has a frenetic pace. It jerks you around like those Avengers movies. There's an early scene where the Millennium Falcon is lightspeed jumping (I can't remember what Poe actually called it, but it was something like that), and that almost works as a metaphor for the whole movie. Let's go over here now! Now let's go over here! Let's blow something up! Let's do some lightsaber stuff! Let's shoot some things! Kaboom! Zoom zip, time for a reflective moment. Zip zoom, time for another explosion! It's all fun, but it's a whole lot, especially for an old guy like me.
17) The older I get, the less I'm willing to fall for John Williams' scores. But the child in me will always love what he does in these Star Wars movies, and the child in me loved every note in this. The child in me is much easier to please than the adult costume I'm watching.
18) Let's talk about Kylo Ren's posse, the Knights of Ren! Actually, never mind. There's nothing to talk about!
19) Was it good to see Billy Dee Williams? Absolutely. Was it a little odd that he popped in out of nowhere twice? Absolutely. What a cool cat that guy is, however, although his dialogue with a new female character at the very end befuddled me. Maybe it's just because he's Lando, but it seemed like he was flirting with somebody 1/3 his age who may or may not be his daughter. I had no idea what was being suggested there. Maybe that's what Finn wanted to tell people?
20) The lightsaber action (and a lot of the spaceship action) was frankly a little boring in this. There's a ton of action, but it all kind of blends together after a while. Very little stands out although I liked the final lightsaber stuff at the end when Kylo and Rey are in two different spots in Palp's horrifying abode. It wasn't quite Snoke's Red Room fun, but it was nifty.
21) I want an entire spin-off series about failed Snoke clones running around and having misadventures.
22) That Rose character sure was Jar-Jar-Binksed out of this thing, wasn't she? She had a line here and there, but it was clear Abrams wanted nothing to do with this character because he was trying to appeal to the moron majority, and the moron majority did not approve of that character.
23) Oscar Isaac sure has charm to spare, doesn't he? If a character has to have a spin-off from this trilogy, I suppose he'd be the one I'd be most interested in.
24) Wedge Antilles! My son and I didn't know who he was until we looked it up early. My God, they managed to find a way to put Wedge Antilles in this movie. Abrams has no shame!
25) My favorite line: "They're just people." That was one of the lone things that helped connect this with its predecessor.
26) I thought I was done, but my son just informed me that Admiral Ackbar's son was in this movie. Oh, boy.
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