Before we get to the awards, I like to take a look at statistics that nobody would have any interest in.
I watched 365 movies this year. The average rating was my highest ever at 14.1, up from 13.4 last year
and 12.45 the year before. Bad Movie Club disintegrated, and I guess I concentrated more on watching
good movies this year for whatever reason. Well, it might have a lot to do with living in a country with
such a bad president. The most-frequent rating was a 16/20. I watched three 20/20 movies this year
(all repeats), but not a single 1/20, 3/20, or 19/20.
I watched 365 movies this year. The average rating was my highest ever at 14.1, up from 13.4 last year
and 12.45 the year before. Bad Movie Club disintegrated, and I guess I concentrated more on watching
good movies this year for whatever reason. Well, it might have a lot to do with living in a country with
such a bad president. The most-frequent rating was a 16/20. I watched three 20/20 movies this year
(all repeats), but not a single 1/20, 3/20, or 19/20.
I saw movies from 35 different countries this year. I assume that’s a personal record for me, but I don’t
have an easy way of knowing for sure. 47.1% of the movies I saw this year were not made in America,
and that’s likely also a personal record. 7% of the movies I saw were from France, probably my silent
protest of this country’s rebranding of French fries as “freedom fries” back in 2003. I still haven’t
recovered from that.
have an easy way of knowing for sure. 47.1% of the movies I saw this year were not made in America,
and that’s likely also a personal record. 7% of the movies I saw were from France, probably my silent
protest of this country’s rebranding of French fries as “freedom fries” back in 2003. I still haven’t
recovered from that.
Ok, award time!
The Billy Curtis Award (Most Outstanding Performance by a Little Person)
The following small roles were enjoyable: The doctor who pronounces Merde dead in the middle short
of Tokyo! is a little person, but I don’t know his name. There’s a little gangster in Time of the Gypsies.
He blows smoke rings. Bohemian Rhapsody has a pair of little fellows at a Freddie Mercury party, but
they don’t really do anything. Pain and Gain had a scene in a motel with a little person, but although he
had lines, I couldn’t find him in the credits. There are little people dancing on a table in Strike, a little
people troupe in The Silence, and lots of dwarfish cretins (not my word!) in Bunuel’s Land without Bread.
of Tokyo! is a little person, but I don’t know his name. There’s a little gangster in Time of the Gypsies.
He blows smoke rings. Bohemian Rhapsody has a pair of little fellows at a Freddie Mercury party, but
they don’t really do anything. Pain and Gain had a scene in a motel with a little person, but although he
had lines, I couldn’t find him in the credits. There are little people dancing on a table in Strike, a little
people troupe in The Silence, and lots of dwarfish cretins (not my word!) in Bunuel’s Land without Bread.
Bill Worth plays the “world’s largest midget” in You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man, but I suppose that
doesn’t count.
doesn’t count.
The nominees:
Frank Silla, a dwarf clown in the “Catholic Girls in Trouble” segment of Kentucky Fried Movie.
Previously nominated for his work in The Manitou. He was also Twiki in the Buck Rogers TV show.
In The White Meadows, a character named Khotejish is responsible for giving well fairies jars of
whispered secrets. I’m not sure who played Khotejish.
whispered secrets. I’m not sure who played Khotejish.
I also couldn’t find the name of the little henchman in Dinner with Adele even though he’s in the movie
quite a bit, mostly as a faux bell hop. He’s really good!
quite a bit, mostly as a faux bell hop. He’s really good!
Another Bunuel movie--Obscure Object of Desire--has Pieral playing Pieral, a bearded and wide-eyed
professor of psychology on a train with Rey.
professor of psychology on a train with Rey.
Pieral is the one on the left.
Tadeusz Rzepka plays Wawrzyniec, the subject of a film within the film in Camera Buff, and he’s also
really good.
really good.
This year’s winner was a really easy choice, however. The winner of this year’s Billy Curtis Award is
the great Michael J. Anderson. I saw him in three movies this year. He’s The Arm in Twin Peaks, of
course, and if I really think about it, that character might be one of the main reasons why I enjoy seeing
little people in movies so much. He was also in In the Soup playing a clown who hangs out with a guy in
a gorilla suit. Most impressively, he stars in Fool’s Fire. Congratulations, Michael J. Anderson! You’re the
best!
the great Michael J. Anderson. I saw him in three movies this year. He’s The Arm in Twin Peaks, of
course, and if I really think about it, that character might be one of the main reasons why I enjoy seeing
little people in movies so much. He was also in In the Soup playing a clown who hangs out with a guy in
a gorilla suit. Most impressively, he stars in Fool’s Fire. Congratulations, Michael J. Anderson! You’re the
best!
Best Use of a Dummy
Dad falling off a cliff in Johnny Belinda
This screenshot, though terrific, doesn't do it justice.
Favorite Movie Quotes of the Year (Part One)
Some of these make me laugh. Some of these are little philosophical snippets that I liked. A lot of them
probably won’t make any sense out of context. As always, you can have fun trying to guess what
movies these quotes come from. And no, I either can’t or won’t tell you where these quotes come from.
probably won’t make any sense out of context. As always, you can have fun trying to guess what
movies these quotes come from. And no, I either can’t or won’t tell you where these quotes come from.
“I’m shivering. My mustache is prickly. It’s the first sign of a seizure.”
“My first hard-on. It’s embarrassing.”
“Even a pervert has a life history. Life is what you make it. Being a pervert is just one way of life.”
“Yes, you get to poke them! Poke them and peck them like a woodpecker!”
“You and your sinful boner need to be trained by us.”
“She’s floating enough estrogen to give Jimmy Stewart curves.”
“I like the tingle. Juice me, I’m a shiver boy. I’ve got secret needles in my pokie globe.”
“Life is like foam, so give yourself away like the sea.”
“Shall we make those pants dance?” (That’s followed with “Leave my pants be!”)
“His underpants got horny and ran into the woods.”
“A man is not a human being without mercy.”
“You think you know, but no. Never.”
“Sir, I categorically demand that you stop dreaming immediately.”
“I love trains. They are so erotic.”
“Sometimes, when a man aims high, he can miss.”
“Terre Haute--the party’s over.”
“You’re a vicious snowflake.”
“Can you juice me again? The colors are starting to fade.”
“God’s inside you, so he helps you dump. God loves your bowels.”
“Shut your ass, English shitbird.”
“Eternity is a state of having everything happen simultaneously.”
Best Codpiece
Tiger codpiece that a hypnotist wears in Survive Style 5+
Maybe I can win a "You Idiot, That's a Belt Buckle" Award
Lamest Action Sequence
I saw a fight between Sam Elliott and Bigfoot! Yes, it’s just as awesome as it looks on paper. And it
involves vomit, so that’s a plus.
involves vomit, so that’s a plus.
Zolar has a skateboarding ramp chase sequence with aliens, kids, and the titular alien kid. And it’s
definitely a scene that happens in that movie.
definitely a scene that happens in that movie.
As you can imagine, The Battle Wizard had a lot of great action scenes. The scene where a guy fights a
gorilla that turns out to be just a normal-sized guy in a gorilla suit probably isn’t one of them.
gorilla that turns out to be just a normal-sized guy in a gorilla suit probably isn’t one of them.
And in Track of the Moon Beast, there’s a scene where the titular moon beast attacks some campers
while they’re playing poker in a tent. It’s the complete lack of expression of a guy who gets his arm torn
off that made me giggle uncontrollably.
while they’re playing poker in a tent. It’s the complete lack of expression of a guy who gets his arm torn
off that made me giggle uncontrollably.
But the winner of this year’s Lamest Action Sequence award is the great Neil Breen for his work in
Twisted Pair, mostly for his character’s ability to skiddoo like Blue in Blue’s Clues among fake
explosions and shoot-outs.
Twisted Pair, mostly for his character’s ability to skiddoo like Blue in Blue’s Clues among fake
explosions and shoot-outs.
Best Wizard Battle
If you predicted that The Battle Wizard would snag this award, you were wrong. This one goes to 1963’s
The Raven, a movie that has almost nothing to do with the Edgar Allan Poe movie it’s supposedly an
adaptation of but does feature a wizard battle between Vincent Price and Boris Karloff. It is, as the kids
say, bitchin’.
The Raven, a movie that has almost nothing to do with the Edgar Allan Poe movie it’s supposedly an
adaptation of but does feature a wizard battle between Vincent Price and Boris Karloff. It is, as the kids
say, bitchin’.
Again, this is an adaptation of the Edgar Allan Poe poem.
Best Stunt Work
John Travolta riding a moped around in The Fanatic
Best Catfight
I mentioned in my write-up for The Women that I watched this 1939 movie with an all-female cast only
to impress a feminist co-worker, so I probably shouldn’t mention how much I enjoyed the catfight in that
movie, one that ends with a bite. It’s not the winner though.
to impress a feminist co-worker, so I probably shouldn’t mention how much I enjoyed the catfight in that
movie, one that ends with a bite. It’s not the winner though.
The Best Catfight award is for Destry Rides Again with Dietrich and another woman throwing each other
all over a saloon. 1939 might not be the best movie year ever like my dad claims, but it was a good year
for catfights!
all over a saloon. 1939 might not be the best movie year ever like my dad claims, but it was a good year
for catfights!
Movies Featuring Part of the Second Movement of Beethoven’s 7th Symphony
This may seem like a strange thing to mention, but as I’ve often told people, I’m fairly positive that I’m
going to die while listening to the second movement of Beethoven’s 7th Symphony. So I’m rolling the
dice every time I watch a movie that has that music in it. This year, it was three movies that I almost
died while watching:
going to die while listening to the second movement of Beethoven’s 7th Symphony. So I’m rolling the
dice every time I watch a movie that has that music in it. This year, it was three movies that I almost
died while watching:
Lola
Love Exposure
RBG
Movies I Snuck in to See
Captain Marvel, following Us
Random Odd Coincidence or Connection Between Those Two Movies
Both Captain Marvel and Us show VHS copies of The Right Stuff
Best Monologue
Walken’s soliloquy about cars in Annie Hall and Duvall’s pep talk in Apocalypse Now are both great,
and both Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson have great monologues in The Lighthouse, and I also liked
the drunken old man who stumbles out of a bathroom stall in La Haine and delivers the following:
and both Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson have great monologues in The Lighthouse, and I also liked
the drunken old man who stumbles out of a bathroom stall in La Haine and delivers the following:
“Nothing like a good shit! Do you believe in God? That's the wrong question. Does God believe in us? I
once had a friend called Grunwalski. We were sent to Siberia together. When you go to a Siberian work
camp, you travel in a cattle car. You roll across icy steppes for days, without seeing a soul. You huddle
to keep warm. But it's hard to relieve yourself, to take a shit, you can't do it on the train, and the only
time the train stops is to take on water for the locomotive. But Grunwalski was shy, even when we
bathed together, he got upset. I used to kid him about it. So, the train stops and everyone jumps out to
shit on the tracks. I teased Grunwalski so much, that he went off on his own. The train starts moving,
so everyone jumps on, but it waits for nobody. Grunwalski had a problem: he'd gone behind a bush, and
was still shitting. So I see him come out from behind the bush, holding up his pants with his hands. He
tries to catch up. I hold out my hand, but each time he reaches for it he lets go of his pants and they drop
to his ankles. He pulls them up, starts running again, but they fall back down, when he reaches for me.”
It ends, after he’s asked about what happened next, with the old man saying, “Nothing. Grunwalksi...
froze to death. Goodbye.”
once had a friend called Grunwalski. We were sent to Siberia together. When you go to a Siberian work
camp, you travel in a cattle car. You roll across icy steppes for days, without seeing a soul. You huddle
to keep warm. But it's hard to relieve yourself, to take a shit, you can't do it on the train, and the only
time the train stops is to take on water for the locomotive. But Grunwalski was shy, even when we
bathed together, he got upset. I used to kid him about it. So, the train stops and everyone jumps out to
shit on the tracks. I teased Grunwalski so much, that he went off on his own. The train starts moving,
so everyone jumps on, but it waits for nobody. Grunwalski had a problem: he'd gone behind a bush, and
was still shitting. So I see him come out from behind the bush, holding up his pants with his hands. He
tries to catch up. I hold out my hand, but each time he reaches for it he lets go of his pants and they drop
to his ankles. He pulls them up, starts running again, but they fall back down, when he reaches for me.”
It ends, after he’s asked about what happened next, with the old man saying, “Nothing. Grunwalksi...
froze to death. Goodbye.”
But the winner is Tom Waits for his soliloquy at the end of The Dead Don’t Die. It almost sounds like one
of his spoken word songs. I’d have to check, but I believe this is the second year in a row he’s won this
award.
of his spoken word songs. I’d have to check, but I believe this is the second year in a row he’s won this
award.
Best Fake Beard
Neil Breen, Twisted Pair
Best Belt Buckle
Jack Palance’s, Bagdad Cafe
Couldn't find a picture, so you'll just have to imagine what kind of belt buckle this character might wear.
Best Shoes
Nome King’s fashion choice shocker in Return to Oz, a shot that actually made me laugh out loud.
(Note: No picture available because it would be a spoiler.)
(Note: No picture available because it would be a spoiler.)
Best Tattoo
Ryan Gosling’s “Giving Tree” tattoo in Blue Valentine
Best Scene Involving a Mirror
Always lots of competitions for this one! And lots of good candidates this year!
Hiroshima Mon Armour has an inner monologue in a mirror.
Jeremiah, the cult leader guy in Nicolas Cage’s Mandy, almost out-Cages Cage with a “Tell me what to
do!” monologue in a mirror.
do!” monologue in a mirror.
The parasitical Aylmer’s first appearance in Brain Damage is in a mirror and includes a goofy “hi.”
The Unbearable Lightness of Being features a scene with Lena Olin crawling over a mirror while wearing
a sexy hat and her black undergarments.
a sexy hat and her black undergarments.
I don’t want to give away the climax of Jeanne Dielman, so I won’t. But that climax is shown in a mirror.
There’s a scene in If Beale Street Could Talk that has Regina King in Puerto Rico fixing herself up before
meeting with a rape victim, and it’s really powerful stuff.
meeting with a rape victim, and it’s really powerful stuff.
Jane B. for Agnes V. has a couple mirror shots, one with Jane Birkin in a distorted mirror and another
tricky one showing Birkin, then a camera, then Varda, and then Birkin again.
The pop pick would probably be the hall of mirrors in Us, but I’ve seen halls of mirrors done better.
How about Binoche putting on make-up in Certified Copy? Well, lipstick and earrings anyway.
George Segal shows off his comic chops while practicing his “Stick ‘em ups” in a mirror in Fun with
Dick and Jane.
Neil Breen, through cinematic magic that would make Georges Melies cream his jeans, recalls Mary
Poppins as he grows a beard while looking in a mirror before walking away, leaving his bearded image
behind.
A charming Marcello Mastroianni checks himself out in a mirror in Divorce Italian Style.
There are lots and lots of mirror sequences in Altman’s 3 Women, but I’m not sure how I can be
expected to pick one that stands out.
expected to pick one that stands out.
Jean Gabin matches a teddy bear with an eye problem while looking at a mirror in Le Jour Se Leve.
Sofia Boutella startles herself when seeing her own reflection in Climax.
Tilda Swinton makes a discovery in Orlando.
Jack practices his facial expressions and emotions in a mirror in The House That Jack Built.
And Travolta has a bunch of mirror scenes in The Fanatic, several where he’s putting on his British
bobby costume and practicing saying “Poppycock” in an accent that is maybe intentionally terrible but
probably not because it’s John Travolta acting in a Fred Durst movie.
bobby costume and practicing saying “Poppycock” in an accent that is maybe intentionally terrible but
probably not because it’s John Travolta acting in a Fred Durst movie.
The winner? I mean, how can we not give this one to Neil Breen? Congratulations, Neil! But here's a
pictures from The House That Jack Built and 3 Women because you're probably already tired of seeing Breen.
pictures from The House That Jack Built and 3 Women because you're probably already tired of seeing Breen.
Best Uses of a Metronome
Leon Morin, Priest. . .it’s a very, very sexy use of a metronome.
I Lost My Body also has a great shot with a metronome.
Jane B. for Agnes V., Jane in a mirror with a metronome. She sings a little bit.
Bagdad Cafe, but it’s only a tease
The ending of the Gondry third in Tokyo! includes a metronome.
Best Scene Involving Intestines
One of the most memorable sequences in On the Silver Globe has impaled people on a beach, and I’m
pretty sure I saw intestines in at least one of those shots.
pretty sure I saw intestines in at least one of those shots.
Zombie 2 has a shot of zombies eating a lady’s intestines. But come on, this isn’t anything we haven’t
seen before.
seen before.
There’s a glimpse of a woman devouring intestines in Under the Silver Lake.
I’m not totally sure there were visible intestines in The Lighthouse, but I’ve convinced myself that a shot
near the end of that film does indeed have exposed viscera.
near the end of that film does indeed have exposed viscera.
There’s a very brief shot during an autopsy scene in Once Upon a Time in Anatolia that shows
intestines. Don’t blink or you’ll miss them though!
intestines. Don’t blink or you’ll miss them though!
In Jarmusch’s The Dead Don’t Die, zombies have exposed the intestines of diner workers. They broke
the coffee pot, too.
the coffee pot, too.
In The Biggest Little Farm, you get to see goat intestines. Or maybe it’s sheep intestines. And more
animal intestines are shown in The Tree of Wooden Clogs (a pig) and Midsommer (a bear).
animal intestines are shown in The Tree of Wooden Clogs (a pig) and Midsommer (a bear).
My Name Is Dolemite, during an homage to one of those Dolemite movies, has an action sequence
that ends in intestines. “God damn, Dolemite.”
that ends in intestines. “God damn, Dolemite.”
The Forest of Love has intestines in a scene where bodies are being disposed of.
And Pilgrim manages to disappoint despite combining two of my personal favorite things--cannibalism
and intestines.
and intestines.
The winner? It’s a tie between Under the Silver Lake and Dolemite Is My Name. “God damn, Andrew Garfield!”
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