2020 Year in Review (Part Two)

Best Decapitation

A very surprising severed head spotted in Li’l Quinquin (one of the funniest movies I saw all year)

Celine Lopez in a fish tank in The Silent Partner

A freak decapitation with an elevator and necklace in Deep Red

An early splashy one in Lancelot du Lac

Polyester post-car-accident scene

A photographer in The Omen

The winner is Under the Blossoming Cherry Trees, probably because its decapitations outnumber the others. 

Best Training Montage

The Peanut Butter Falcon

Best Chase Scene

A three-way tie (only because I’m in a hurry and don’t want to think too much about this garbage): 

Police officers on roller skates chasing Billy Barty on roller skates during the “Pettin’ in the Park” sequence in Gold Diggers of 1933

Moon pirates in Ad Astra, the year’s quietest chase scene

Jackie Chan, an umbrella, and a bus in Police Story

The Best Action Scene That Isn’t an Action Scene

A bottle spinning perpetually in The Strange Little Cat

Best Action Scene That Is an Action Scene

Dirty Ho had several, but my favorite involved teacups. I probably just wanted to type “Dirty Ho” again though. 

Scariest Moment

Machete fishing in La Cienaga

So few people reading this are even going to know what the hell I'm talking about with most of these! Why do I keep doing this? 

Best Death Scene 

The end of All Quiet on the Western Front, a scene with a butterfly

Best Urine Scenes

“Romance,” the final short in the Pearls of the Deep Czech anthology film--a kid urinates and another character claims, “Careful. This may be some future president.” 

Relaxer--it’s also got defecate and vomit

Tout Va Bien--the manager of the factory desperately tries to take a piss and eventually does out of a window during a strike/hostage situation

Honey Boy--an argument about dick sizes during some competitive urinating

I have an old friend who doesn't really look like Shooby LeBoof's character here. But whenever I think of him, I imagine a person who looks exactly like this.

Best Poop Scenes

Relaxer--gross. 

Cemetery of Splendour--a seemingly random shot of a guy pooping in the woods (Oh, Apichatpong, you nutty guy!) 

Cooley High--a gorilla throws feces at a character

Seven Beauties--the death of a character

The Taste of Tea--one involving a skull

Best Fart

It’s got to be the farting corpse in Seven Beauties. Seemingly a light year with farting movies. I guess I didn't see any Dreamworks animated films this year.

Best Movie Foreplay

The daughter character bites off a frog’s head and spits blood in her hair in Thou Wast Mild and Lovely. It’s something my wife refuses to try. Speaking of her. . .

Things That Would Annoy My Wife If She Read My Reviews on Letterboxd

Claudia Cardinale ranting when writing about The Leopard (you can practically see the drool in my typing)

That I developed a cigarette fetish while watching The Gold Diggers of 1933

That I developed a bloomers fetish while watching Hulya Kocyigit and her legs and became as lusty as the villainous main character in Dry Summer

That I awarded J-Lo an Academy Award for “booty” 

More Anna Karina fawning, seemingly a yearly tradition

Claims that Herzog’s artificial surrealism hardens my nipples

Admitting that my “favorite brand of nudity” is “elderly man nudity” when writing about The Death of Mr. Lazarescu

Suggesting that if Goldie Hawn was the librarian at my library, I’d be there all the time

Admitting that I only watched Wiseman’s Primate to see monkey sex because I don’t know how to find pornography on the Internet

That I had trouble taking my eyes of Jack Nicholson’s body 

When I sad that Rod Steiger was hot

My appreciation of bosom heaving

Best Sex Scene

The character I called “Mustache” in Dry Summer and his encounter with a scarecrow

The main character in Poetry and an old man in a pool (thanks, Viagra)

Aspergren with a car in The Deer Hunter

Jeff Bridges and What’s-Her-Face in Winter Kills

Sharkenstein and Bonnie Boom Boom (though I will never have a rape scene win this award)

1930’s sex in People on Sunday, a camera moving away to show some trees before panning to show the guy getting dressed again

Playing cards (a jack scandalously on top of a queen) in Bed and Sofa

The winner: A sex montage in Absurdistan! That movie's on Amazon and is very enjoyable. You should watch it. Of course, I don't know why you'd listen to a person who has a yearly award for. . .

Best Masturbation 

Midnight Express has a conjugal visit with boobs pressed against glass (“Oh, Billy.”)

Kids watching a pornographic film with a pimp and having at it in Pixote

A dude several times in Thou Wast Mild and Lovely, once in a barn with livestock looking on

The kid in Evangelion while he watches his comatose friend in a hospital bed

In Fabric--an old guy pleasures himself while watching witches bathe a mannequin that for some reason has pubic hair

The winner: Primate, for a scene where a scientist feeds a monkey grape juice while using some sort of tube instrument on it, all while saying, “Hey! Hey!” Comedy gold! Especially if you have the mind of a 12 year old!

Best Shower Scene

The Immaculate Conception of Little Dizzle--swirling words, other hallucinatory shenanigans 

Best Nudity

The unexpected nudity at the end of Schneider vs. Bax and a girl on the roof in Absurdistan are great, but Britt Ekland wins this for a double dose with The Wicker Man (butt double?) and Year of the Cannibals. 

Best Artwork

Metallic Jesus in the middle short of Pearls of the Deep

Jesus portrait in Nazarin

Doodle test in Le Petit Soldat--Anna Karina draws a Johnny Appleseed with a boner approaching an armless woman

The paintings in Potrait of a Lady on Fire--I especially liked the one she messes up

The winner is the Jesus portrait from Nazarin because I had fun tweeting that at Mike Pence several times over the summer. 

Best Mirror Scene

A Single Man--”Just get through the goddamn day.” 

Gold Diggers in 1933--Faneul H. Peabody wagging his tongue with a dog

The Servant--nothing specific, but I wanted to mention how this movie has a lot of great shots in mirrors

Winner: Final Flesh--a guy talking about how he dreamed so hard that he found a mirror in his pants

The E.T. (Best Product Placement Award) 

I did not do a very good job of keeping track of these this year, it seems. 

Animal Wafers (Gold Diggers of 1933)

Red Bull (Hustlers)

Fanta (The Two Popes)

Faygo (Relaxer)

Tab, lots of others (Polyester)

Evian (Xala) 

Do I have to pick a winner? Nope! Especially since nobody is even reading this! 

Best House

The swamp-surrounded architectural feat that is the setting of Schneider vs. Bax (any excuse to mention Alex van Warmerdam)

Best Clock

The Joke--one shown at the beginning (Note: I have no idea what I’m even talking about here.) 

Best Smile

The last shot of Magnolia

Best Colon

Adam Sandler’s in Uncut Gems

Best Teeth

 

Adam Sandler’s in Uncut Gems

Best Use of a Dummy

Jean-Louis Trintignant in Il Sorpasso

A mannequin in The Criminal Life of Arhcibaldo de la Cruz

Two thrown from a train in Last Stop on the Night Train

However, a girl thrown out of a car in The Phenix City Story made me laugh the hardest at the most inappropriate time, so it wins.

The American Sniper Fake Baby Award

Pastoral: To Die in the Country

In television, this would go to a fake baby I've been seeing on Days of Our Lives. They have the most irritating baby sound effects, almost like the baby is hyperventilating. It's really almost ruined that show for me. 

Best Masks

Mr. Arkadin has a masquerade ball with some ridiculous(ly awesome) ones

I Vitelloni--a guy in drag carries one around for a while and even dances with it

Best Accent

Crispin Glover’s French one in Lucky Day

Best Movie Prayer

I like the one at the end of Welfare (“I’ll wander. . .”) but the winner is Coonskin here--”I sees you, Lord, and you better fuckin’ see me.” 

Best Cannibalism

Fried Green Tomatoes

Best Horror Movie

I have no idea if His House (available on Netflix) is the best horror film or not, but I wanted to mention it somewhere.