Cory's Birthday Post: Son of Godzilla

1967 Godzilla movie

Rating: 8/20

Plot: Godzilla has to protect his son from gigantic praying mantises and a spider while scientists experimenting with controlling the weather try to survive an island filled with monsters. 

To continue the tradition, here's a Movies-a-Go-Go post about a Godzilla movie for my brother-in-law Cory's birthday. I've done this for several years, and he either pretends to appreciate or actually understands how special it is to be one of two people (with the other being Nicolas Cage!) to have their birthday acknowledged with movie activity. Son of Godzilla is not one that Cory likes. In fact, as of March 22, 2010, he had never even seen this one. 

But happy birthday anyway! 

Here are my unadulterated, stream-of-conscious thoughts as I watched this movie: 

Son of Godzilla! 

This came up several years ago when a friend of mine named Kent left me a blog comment claiming that it was the greatest monster movie ever. Cory accused him of teasing, and he never answered to say whether he was serious, but Cory's pal Barry said it was a mid-tier Godzilla flick. So let's find out! 

The title, by the way, leaves me with some questions. I’m fairly certain this means Godzilla has fucked, and if that’s true and that scene is not in the movie, I’m going to be angry enough to knock down a few buildings of my own. 

Son of ____. Which movie franchise has the best son? It wouldn't be Son of Frankenstein because that kid was obnoxious. Son of Lassie? Son of Flubber? Son of the Mask? Son of Dracula? Son of Sam? Son of Zorro? 

Ok, let’s focus here. 

By the way, I’m pretty sure this has to be good because it’s part of the Criterion Collection now. 

How low was this plane flying to have to pull the nose up in order to avoid hitting Godzilla while he was standing in the ocean? 

Godzilla in the rain with menacing music...kind of cool. Then--boom. A title screen and a transition to colorful island shots and some lounge music. That’s...not quite as cool. 

These are the whiniest scientists I think I’ve ever seen in a movie. And comparing their work to being in a concentration camp? This guy must have gone to the Marjorie Taylor Greene School of Insensitive Analogies. 

This little science camp certainly is colorful. It looks like a delightful enough place to spend some time to me. 

The arrival of a newsman who is guided by his stomach--if I made decisions based solely on feelings I had in my stomach, then. . .well, I doubt things would be all that different. 

A giant praying mantis! I believe they eat grasshoppers, so I'm not sure this thing will be all that menacing to humans or a giant lizard that spits fire. 

I wish I had some understanding about what all these scientists were even doing on this island or what the experiment is. 

Oh, here we go with some experiment exposition. They’re going to freeze the island in order to help solve famine-related issues that are the result of overpopulation. Got it. I now feel like I'm ready to proceed. 

Wait, the South American jungles are “useless”? 

In the wrong hands, freezing islands could be worse than nuclear bombs. 

Here’s a scientist with a pipe. I’m not sure about anybody else, but in my estimation, a scientist with a pipe is more credible than one without a pipe. 

That was a cheery little science montage. I don’t know exactly what is happening and would like to see some giant monsters fighting, but in the meantime, I’ll take a cheery little science montage. 

My daughter Buster has joined me for this movie. 

I caught her up on the plot (the best a person with my limited ability to even understand the plot of a Godzilla movie could) and she said, “Ok, I’m not watching this” and left. Before she did, she suggested that Godzilla is a "Bigfoot-like creature but with horns and feet that aren't that big." I have no idea what she's talking about. 

What? Now there’s a narrator? 22 minutes into a movie is not the first time we should hear from a narrator. 

Reporter: “Don’t you believe I saw a girl?” 

Professor: “And I don’t believe in ghosts either.” 

So...he doesn’t believe in girls? 

Oh, snap! Not only is the praying mantis bigger but there are now three of them! 

Scientists in short pants definitely don’t have as much credibility as scientists with pipes. I learned that in my 8th grade science class, I think. 

Gimantis! That is some solid portmanteauing! 

I’m as intrigued by this jungle woman as the reporter, to be honest. 

Godzilla’s son is awfully squishy. I guess they’re born without bones? 

Godzilla’s now back in the movie and stomping all over the science camp. I have a feeling even more repairs will have to be made now. 

It’s become clear that I’m not going to get a Godzilla sex scene in this movie, and my disappointment is profound. 

These monster noises have frightened my cat. 

Ok, I just watched a scene where two Gimantises kick a rock back and forth like it’s a soccer ball before launching it into Godzilla Jr.’s head and had to rewind to watch it again. And then--I watched it a third time. This whole Godzilla-movie-on-Cory's-birthday thing is now worth it. 

And now baby Godzilla was thwacked in the skull by his own father’s tail. The most interesting parts of this are definitely going to involve head trauma to the titular child. 

Son of Godzilla is a mistake of nature. He looks like something a four year old can make out of clay. 

I’m not sure if this movie will give us a glimpse at who or what Godzilla fucked to produce this son, but from the looks of this kid, I believe it must be a congealed thing of yogurt that’s been hidden in the back of a refrigerator for several years. 

Well, it there’s no Godzilla sex scene, maybe something between the reporter and the jungle woman can help make up for it. 

“Boy never wear red shirt like this. Maybe you’re a girl.” If I had a nickel for every time somebody said something like that to me in school. . .

“Oh! The reporter! Are you alright? We were worried.” Translation: “Oh! The reporter! We completely forgot about you!” 

I’m really starting to dig the peppy lounge music that plays whenever a Gimantis shows up. These guys, however, are not one of Godzilla’s most formidable foes. 

Oh, man. The slapstick in these scenes with Son of Godzilla is hilarious. With stunts like these, I’m fairly positive it’s Buster Keaton in this Son of Godzilla suit. 

After a race: “Goro, you gave up. Are you really a man?” That’s the second time this jungle woman has questioned this guy’s masculinity. It seems to be her thing. 

Goro (the reporter) just pointed at Son of Godzilla and said, “Godzilla!” I don’t see how anybody could make that mistake. Not only is he not really a man but he's also apparently an imbecile.

He certainly has grown quickly. It’s up to his dad’s nipples already! 

Now the little guy’s having some sort of a seizure. 

I wish the characters would quit saying “Spiga” because I’m having trouble taking a monster named that seriously. 

Is “Spiga” also a portmanteau word? Spider and gassy? 

The reporter (Goro) and the jungle woman are off to retrieve some “hot red water” (my guess is cherry Kool-aid that has been left out) in order to heal a bunch of scientists with fevers, and I feel we’re as close to a plot as we’re going to get. 

Godzilla’s son sounds a lot like a donkey at times. He brays. 

Oh, he just blew a smoke ring. I forgot that I saw him do that in another movie. I really should have watched these movies in order. I probably wouldn’t have all these questions. 

“Here, drink this hot red water. But you can only drink it from a shell.” 

Where did this jungle woman get pants anyway? 

Aww, it’s Son of Godzilla’s first fight. I hope his opponent isn’t hear his little theme song because that’s not intimidating anybody. 

He just got bopped in the head again. And he always kind of has an expression that makes it look like he’s concussed anyway. 

And here comes Godzilla, a helicopter parent. How’s your son ever going to learn to defend himself if you’re fighting his fights for him, Godzilla? 

Spiga! 

Uh oh! Spiga spews silly string! 

I kind of like the look of Spiga. He looks a little cooler than the Godzilla in this one and way cooler than Godzilla’s son. His movements seem pretty complicated. 

The scientists must not have explored their new cave home at all if they didn’t notice that very obvious back door. 

And now their cave is caving in, and they don’t seem to have any clue about how to get out. Umm...maybe that back door you were shown about five minutes ago could work? 

I’m kind of surprised the shot I just saw hasn’t been turned into a meme. It looked like Son of Godzilla standing gleefully while being covered in jism. 

I’ll see myself out. 

Wait, this is rated G? I guess I should have known that it wouldn’t have a Godzilla sex scene. 

Waa-waa! Waa-waa! 

This fight, which I’m assuming is the climactic one, is not one of the most exciting of the franchise. Barry, in his comment, claimed that this had "some great fight scenes," but I'm not sure what movie he was watching. 

I have no idea why the scientists are this excited to see snow. I guess it means the experiment worked? But didn’t they already know that? 

I have no idea why I’m paying any attention to the science in this movie. There’s a monster fight in the snow! 

What a sweet scene with father and son working together to catch a Spiga on fire. It reminds me of all the times when my dad and I would. . .well, no. It doesn’t remind me of anything like that. 

The snow on a tropical island is a neat look. Luckily, lizards love snow. 

“They won’t die. They’ll hibernate. They’ll just go to sleep until the snow’s gone.” Yeah, that sounds scientific. 

So my friend Kent was clearly wrong when he claimed this was the best monster movie ever. And more than likely, Barry was also wrong when he ranked it as the 7th best. Of course, I’m not exactly an expert on these sorts of things. However, a movie focused so much on a baby monster that looks like that and either whines or brays like a donkey probably isn’t quite a mid-tier Godzilla movie. 

Ok, another Cory birthday officially in the books. I’m running out of these Godzilla movies and have no idea what to do. Rewatch them?