2013 Year in Review Part I

Let’s start with some statistics! I fell short of the year 365 movie goal, but I only missed it by 125 if we’re only counting movies that I was able to finish.

The most common rating: I gave 39 movies a 15/20.

The least common rating: In a year when I watched a ton of bad movies, I only had a pair of 1/20s and 2/20s. And one of the 1/20s was a repeat.

As expected with the amount of bad movies I normally subject myself to along with the addition of a weekly Bad Movie Club viewing, the average rating dipped a little. I averaged a 12.47, an all-time low for a year. Last year, I was nearly a full point above this. The previous record low was 12.6.

Now, on to the awards!

The Billy Curtis (Outstanding Performance by a Little Person): Before glancing back at my year, I was a little worried about this, the most prestigious shane-movies award. I couldn’t remember many little people performances this year. Turns out there were a ton, and a ton of little people, as you might expect, is a lot of little people.

Billy Curtis turned up in Little Cigars, all 4’2” of him. He’s angry and engages in little fisticuffs throughout the movie, but the character is so mean-spirited and there’s a distracting number of other little people. Angelo Rossitto almost outshines him in that movie with just a single line, and Jerry Maren, Felix Silla, Emory Souza, Frank Delfino, and especially Buddy Douglas are also great in the movie.

Bridget “The Midget” Powers makes a run at the first female Billy Curtis award winner with her work in the awful Insane Clown Posse Western, Big Money Rustlas. Mireille Mosse tops her (“Goodbye, Grasshopper”) with her creepy work in City of Lost Children though, and if I had to go with a sentimental favorite, she’d win.

Peter Bark gave a nightmare-inducing performance as a child in the Italian zombie movie, Burial Ground, a movie where his character fondles his mother’s breasts. That’s an amazing performance! Billy Barty, who actually won a Razzie for the role, plays Hitler in Under the Rainbow, and Cork Hubbert shines as the hero of that film. And former-winner Weng Weng was once again incredible as the titular Impossible Kid of Kung-fu.

They’re all little winners in my heart, but the award goes to the great Helmut Doring from Herzog’s Even Dwarfs Started Small. The final scene of that movie where Doring laughs at a defecating camel is enough to win him some kind of lifetime Billy Curtis award, but add to it the extended scene where he’s trying to climb onto a bed and the amount of insane laughter in this, and there’s just no way he couldn’t win. Congratulations, Helmut Doring!

Best Shirley Temple Reference: A tie! The wild Shaye and Kiki: Fun Bubble made me laugh with Shirley Temple 2000 while Crispin Glover aligned her with Nazis in What Is It?

Best Voice Acting: The legendary Fred Welker could almost have this award named after him and was great as the monstrous alien thing in TerrorVision, but if I’ve watched 2001: A Space Odyssey, I’m afraid the award will have to go to Douglas Rain as the voice of H.A.L. And Cory is still looking for a H.A.L. ringtone, so somebody make that happen.

The E.T.: This is the first of a few new awards I’m giving this year. This one goes to the movie that had the most remarkable use of product placement, and the first winner is Mac and Me for teaching me that Coca Cola can have healing powers and that McDonalds is a great place to breakdance if you’re wearing a poorly-made bear costume. Skittles, Volkswagon, and Sears also got their brands in there.

Movie that Most Needed a Tripod: Hunger Games

Best Sound Effect: The gunshot at the end of The French Connection.

Worst Remake: Easily the completely useless and entirely derivative Evil Dead.

Worst Sequel: Hangover III, and I really didn’t like the others enough to watch it but for some reason did.

Let me take a break to justify the amount of time I spend with movies. Some people might think that it’s all a complete waste of time, but I learn a ton of stuff from watching movies. Here’s a brief list of things I learned in 2013:

Bob Clark directed two awesome Christmas movies.

Dominique Pinon couldn’t remember “Easter Bunny” for that Alien sequel and kept saying “English Bunny,” a problem that caused the line to be changed to “Who were you expecting--Santa Claus?” That must mean that the French don’t have the Easter Bunny. Bunch of heathens.

The KKK started in Indiana. Only it didn’t, and Spike Lee is an idiot.

There is a guy named Hark-On Fung.

Ben Affleck might be Mexican.

If you ever go to Mars, you’ll probably need to bring a raft. And you’ll want to wear your loafers.

Speaking of Mars, Martians gave up neckties long before humans did.

The Ten Commandments movie unfolds in real time like a season of 24. I’m actually still watching it.

PCP is bad for you.

Guns in 1858 made people explode.

Best Monster: The monoliths in The Monolith Monsters, a movie recommended by Barry, were interesting. I loved the titular Crab Monsters in that Corman classic, the hulking decapitated meat monster which was the best part of Dead Heat except for Vincent Price’s appearance, the big-headed Saucer Men in Invasion of the Saucer Men, the huge big thing in the redundantly-titled The Giant Behemoth, scores of monsters--including some familiar rubber suits--in Destroy All Monsters, and the turtle-like Silicates in Isle of Terror. But that Brainiac in the Mexican movie named after it is about the most ridiculous, and therefore one of the best, things I’ve ever seen.

Best Penis Reference: The anime Dead Leaves had a guy with a penis drill which might sound hard to beat, but Russell Crowe actually refers to his character’s member as a “baby’s arm” in The Man with the Iron Fist. A close second would be what Matthew McKonnahey does with a chicken finger in Killer Joe.

Why I Misspelled Matthew McConaughey’s Name in That Last Award: I’ve obviously just given up.

Best Sports Moment: I like the comedies Major League and Slap Shot which I both saw this year, but I also saw Christopher Walken play pool in Poolhall Junkies, so that wins.

Guiltiest Pleasure: I’m not sure I feel guilty about anything I like, and that’s the way life should be. Still, Russ Meyers’ Supervixens.