Man of Steel

2013 superhero movie

Rating: 12/20

Plot: Kind of a cross between the 1978 Superman story with Christopher Reeve and the sequel with Terence Stamp.

My mother-in-law is apparently a huge fan of this movie. She couldn't stop talking about it, and I finally figured out that she's got a thing for either Henry Cavill or Amy Adams or perhaps both. I'm not sure what movie she watched because the one I watched was really boring. And it might be all because of the Superman of my childhood and the expectations that come from those movies. Henry Cavill does make a decent Superman. He's got the body for it, and he really looks like Christopher Reeve in a few scenes. I think I remember reading how they used computer trickery to put Reeve's face in this thing during one scene. Reeve will always be the only Superman for me, so I thought that was a nice touch. Adams is no Margot Kidder, and the character seems to exist only to give this a strong female character and a love interest to get mothers-in-law into the theater. Russell Crowe, Mr. Automatic Distraction, is no Marlon Brando and is in the movie way too much in ways that I couldn't even understand. My regular reader-and-a-half can tell you that my brain has trouble with comic book logic, and I struggled with Superman's dad stuff and most of what was happening with the cool video game visuals on Krypton. There's liquid metal and giant moths and a Superbaby penis and insect people. I kept wondering where the ice was at. And Michael Shannon and his pals duplicate the flatness of Stamp and Sarah Douglas's Zod and Ursa, but it doesn't work. "Release the world engine!" No, this Zod is wack, boring.

This has about everything you'd expect a 2013 version of Superman, one that is slightly better than the 2006 reboot. You've got a lot of camera shakiness, computer-generated action sequences that are difficult to follow, and special effects that aren't nearly as good as they think they are. Check out that giant oil thing exploding in the ocean or a scene when a car is thrown into a house for evidence of that. But here's what you might not expect: Superman doesn't even do anything Supermanny for about 90 minutes. Sure, it takes Christopher Reeve a while in the 1978 movie to get to that phone booth and the scene where he saves Lois Lane after the helicopter accident, but that payoff makes it worth it. When Cavill gets to do something Supermanny--again, saving Lois Lane from falling--it's at the 1 hour and 26 minute mark. And it's boring. Sure he does a few things as a kid or when he's not in the new weird Superman costume, but that's a little like seeing Boba Fett as a little kid in the Star Wars prequels, isn't it? Hell, until that 1 hour and 26 minute mark, Superman actually pukes blood more than he does Supermanny things. The last 45 minutes or so is almost all action with a lot of fight scenes where the superhero and villains move like they're probably supposed to. They're slammed into the streets and buildings again and again at super-fast speeds, but by that point, I didn't care very much. The Superman as a Christ figure was pushed pretty heavily, too. He strikes a crucifixion pose. He decides to sacrifice himself to save everybody, in front of stained glass, naturally. And this whole thing is happening when he's 33 years old. And I was most annoyed when Superman takes a break from saving the world and defeating the bad guys to make out with Lois Lane. Get a room, guys. And I don't remember any of the Gospels including a scene where Jesus makes out with somebody. Maybe that's in the Mormon Bible.

I'm going to end my movie year focusing on the positive though because that's the kind of optimist I am. This has a good Wilhelm Scream in it. I also liked the exploration of Superboy's struggles growing up with these powers he doesn't understand and can't control. That was part of the effort to Nolan-ize this superhero, make things all moody so that hipsters will take it more seriously. And I liked Russell Crowe's wacky-cool presentation used to explain everything to Superman right before he gets his tights and cape. Of course, I was still distracted by the lack of an ice palace during all that.

I'd probably watch a sequel to this, but it better be better.

Quick question: If the bad guys had succeeded and turned Earth into Krypton, would Superman still have been able to fly around it really fast and reverse the whole thing or does it have to still be Earth in order for that to happen?